Anyone remember this guy?
This is the Ultimate Warrior. He was a WWF wrestler back in the late 80s/early 90s who tied colored ribbons around his bulging biceps and shook the ropes really hard, looking for all the world like a hyperactive child throwing a tantrum. Well it turns out that after leaving wrestling he's turned into a conservative motivational speaker type, and he's still throwing tantrums. And yes, he still calls himself Warrior. Out loud. In public. And now he's threatening to sue Rich Kyanka, owner of Something Awful, for making fun of him on his website. And you've got to read this.
The Warrior's faithful assistant Cato "Director of Communications" (I presume that means he's the closest person to the Warrior who knows how to write a properly formatted business letter) Chris Lewis sent an email to Kyanka threatening him with a libel suit for saying mean things about Warrior. Kyanka responded with all of the seriousness that such a threat deserves, which is to say none at all. How on earth do you take seriously threats coming from someone who actually calls his boss "Warrior"? Go read the whole thing. It's absolutely hysterical. And after that, you will all address me as The Emperor from now on.
Oh, and go look at his website too. It's even funnier. He's actually changed his legal name to Warrior and he says really funny stuff like, "The world has seen the muscle I built of Warrior, now I build his mind." He's like a walking comic book character. And it doesn't appear that he is in on the joke at all. Now if only Tony Robbins would paint his face and hang ribbons off his arms...
- Log in to post comments
What is rather funny about the "warrior" is the fact he never made any sense in his promos and he still doesnt now . it is also rumored that he use to have sex with a young teen shane McMahon . Warrior was a big steroid abuser . Warrior recently did a speech at the U of conneticut and it was reported his speech was basicaly homophobic and racist .as reported a College reporter " There was a major protest group and arguments back and forth, with Warrior screaming and stomping on the stage and saying he would answer all questions after his speech in a Q&AS format. Many people in the crowd were yelling and attacking him verbally as he spoke. Officers were called for back-up and the crowd was at one point told if they didn't stop, the speech would end. Warrior's actions were not supported in the end by the group that brought him, the College Republicans. "We are truly sorry that the Warrior did not measure up to our standards," said Heath Fahle, of the College Republicans .When it was over, the group even sent out a press release apologizing for his speech. They wanted Warrior to engage in a respectful debate. Warrior lost the crowd when he said, "Queering don't make the world work." When an Iranian student asked him a question, Warrior said he needed to "get a towel." As you can imagine, this caused another outburst. Other students then told Warrior he needed to apologize for the remark. Warrior showed a video where he ripped up an Iraqi flag. During the speech, Warrior admitted that he used steroids while in wrestling and called for other athletes to be as honest as he was on the subject."
the dude would even make up words to make him self sound brighter than he was (i think if anyone can form a cohernet sentence they are smarter than warrior ) .
When the Honky tonk man was recently asked if "Was(Warrior) he always this racist and mentally screwed up? Or is this just a violent reaction to the memory Pat Patterson watching him in the shower all those years and losing to "Iraqis" in '90?"
the honky tonk man replied "He has some real issues I suppose. Maybe he spent too much time listening to Tony Robbins tapes!"
I am thankfull that Not all that long ago i turned down the chance to interview the warrior Because i didnt want to bore my listners into submission , i was worried Warrior might get into politics and talk about Saddam Hussiens Weapons of mass descrucity (actual warrior phrase)
Upon linking to Mr. Kyanka's site from yours, I was disturbed to note that Mr. Kyankas suggests that Mr. Warrior is a "liberal" and acting like a "liberal." As a card-carrying liberal myself, I find this offensive, libilous and, of course, actionable. I insist that you take down the link to Mr. Kyanka's site and that you apologize for having posted it in the first place --- a grovel would not be inappropriate under the circumstances --- or I shall have no choice but to sue. Since Mr. Warrior's crack legal team will, apparently, not be busy suing Mr. Kyankas, perhaps I can engage them myself.
With a heavy heart, I remain,
Yr humble & obt svnt,
Flatlander100
Actually, I don't remember the guy, but except for the rather silly make-up on his face, he does look like he'd be fun to-uh-wrestle with. And I mean that seriously. Nice nips, dude.
Careful, Ed. Lewis and Ultimate Whatever will come after you for saying things about other people saying nasty things about Ultimate Whatever. Then Lewis will say things about how you like to eat steak and play poker, and otherwise demonstrate his super-duper sleuthing powers. THEN you'll be sorry.
Too bad the Supreme Court hasn't decided any cases dealing with public figures; we could settle this whole thing in a hurry. Oh, wait. It HAS! Never mind.
I can't remember the last time I read something this funny. Thanks, Ed, I needed a good laugh.
Thank you, Mr. Brayton, thank you. The man is a pearl.
"Explain for me if you will, young College Republicans, how you square your applause and praise at the event, a 45 minute ride together back to the airport having a mature, engaging discussion, and further praise, handshakes, and appreciation for coming with an absolute denouncement of my appearance and the things I said? Not even reality TV is this well-crafted. Funny, I don't recall any of you telling me you were drama majors. Then again - recalling events correctly isn't what this is about....
Sure, the liberals were idiots, but you are craven cowards. You are young and not even full of youth's natural piss and vinegar - only of your phony, superficial selves. Truth is, you stand for nothing, and resist absolutely none laying down to be violated and beaten by others.
I am a gracious man, though. And, also, I knew from the beginning that mentoring unexercised asses and young, soft minds would not be easy. So, let me offer you another chance. You claim to know Conservative values and ideas, then teach me. I offer you the challenge to debate -- with you College Republicans. I will return to your college campus at my own expense."
Dan wrote:
I'm sorry, Dan, but I must remind you to address me as The Emperor from now on.
I really needed that! Funniest thing I have read all week. I have to check regularly to see if there is an update. Thanks Ed!
I love SA. For those who weren't familiar with the site, you should read the front page daily (www.somethingawful.com). Rich (lowtax) has a good piece up today, as a matter of fact. Zack Parsons is another good writer on the site.
Also, this isn't the first time SA has been threatened with a stupid lawsuite. See their archives here http://www.somethingawful.com/legal/
for more hillarity. Sometimes Lowtax will adapt the persona of "lawyer" Leonard J. Crabs, and when he does it gets even funnier.
Dunno who this "Chris Lewis" knucklehead is*, but the one thing he just might want to take into consideration is that parody is protected speech; and to be perfectly nice about it, "Warrior's" behavior in the wake of all this is so ripe for parody that he shouldn't complain: after all, there's no such thing as bad publicity if you're as cuckoo for cocoa puffs as his boss seems to be.
(*My guess is that "Chris Lewis" is probably "Warrior" himself or a publicity flack who was hired to sound as hardball as possible despite the obvious lack of legal acumen he displayed. The stalkeresque material he emailed back is just icing on the wackjob cake.)
Usually the publicist for former Wrestlers are simply Marks (fans) for the wrestler and usually do it for free , sadly, they tend to hang on everyword the wrestler says as if it were the handed down word of God.