I recently had a medical condition that is the only one I know of where the Literal Word of God actually is effective treatment. However, as an atheist I didn't have access to the Literal Word of God (the online version isn't effective) so I asked one of my colleagues, a licensed physician, to treat me, using a modality in which I had faith: heavy science. Unfortunately my faith was misplaced. The treatment failed after three tries (he insisted on using Harrison's Textbook as his treatment source, when I would have used Cecil and Loeb). Desperate, I finally took matters into my own hands in a case of mind over matter. It worked. The size of the lesion is now dramatically reduced and it is giving me no discomfort. I realize these things have a tendency to recur, but for now I'm doing fine. Since I have spent a lot of space here knocking religion, with the occasional swipe at self-help quackery, you may be wondering about what converted me. Nothing. Here's the story.
A couple of months ago I notice a firm nodule on the dorsum (the back) of my right wrist. In the space of a month or two it grew to the tumor-like mass about the size of the upper quarter of a golf ball. If you look at the knob on your wrist, it was about the same size but located about an inch in the direction of my thumb. I recognized immediately what it was (I am a doctor, after all) but hoped it would go away. It didn't. It just got worse, and although it didn't hurt much it ached occasionally and was disfiguring and bothersome. Many of you probably also have made the diagnosis by now, but if you haven't, it's called a ganglion cyst and the location of mine was absolutely typical, although it can also be on the front of the wrist or near the back thumb or some other places. These cysts are usually harmless and don't cause any problem. You can safely ignore them, but this one was getting bigger and beginning to ache a little when I blogged. So that decided it. I had to treat it. But how?
Anatomically a ganglion cyst is a sac of fluid, often connected by a small stalk to the underlying joint capsule. The joint in question here is the wrist, a joint a good deal more complex than almost any other in the body. That's because there are actually eight small bones in your wrist (the carpal bones, whose names I still remember after 40 years, thanks to a sexist mnemonic I learned in medical school and which I now have the good sense not to repeat). The carpal bones are also connected to five bones in your hand and two in your forearm, so it's a complex structure that must retain sufficient movement to allow the intricate motions of our hands and fingers (think about a pianist or typing on your computer keyboard). To allow this flexibility, the wrist bones are connected together by bands of connective tissue (ligaments), forming a capsule-like space with lubricating fluid within. Exactly how the ganglion forms from the underlying joint capsule isn't known (they can also form on tendons and tendon sheaths), but it is often said that repetitive injury or motion might play a part. If so, I can guess what repetitive motion is involved with mine. I'm doing it now.
I could have gone to a surgeon to open up the back of my wrist, search around for the stalk and then excise the whole ganglion. But what with the high cost of health care I decided to treat myself with an older method. That's where the Literal Word of God comes in. The traditional treatment was to take the family Bible and give the ganglion a good whack, rupturing it without breaking the skin. The sac empties and the fluid spreads out subcutaneously and is absorbed. As I said, I'm an atheist and if I want to find out what the god commonly worshipped around these parts allegedly Said at some time or other, I use Google. Google is good for a lot of things, but whacking wrist ganglions isn't one of them. That's where "heavy science" came in. The Harrison Textbook of Medicine is 1000 pages plus, hardcover, and as big or bigger than most family bibles (plus it's non-fiction). So I asked my colleague to drop his copy of Harrison's on my wrist. He tried a could of times, but I could tell he was holding back (maybe my screams influenced him). I think he was afraid he was going to break one of my carpal bones.
So that's where things stood until I was in a meeting with my Dean (who is also a rheumatologist). Also at the meeting was the Librarian for the University's School of Theology (the meeting was about Open Access, in case you are wondering). The Dean glanced at my wrist and suggested I get the Theology guy to bring a Bible to the next meeting. It was a joke, but I'd had enough. If heavy science wouldn't work, it was a case of mind over matter. That night when I got home I asked Mrs. R. where she kept the rubber mallet her father had given her. He used it to pound dents out of cars. She had used it for 40 years to tenderize meat. She told me where it was in the kitchen and then, suddenly understanding the significance of the request (which was not, she knew, my offer to prepare dinner), she started yelling, "Wait, what are going to do with it? No. No. Not in my kitchen. Stop. Give me that mallet back!" I knew I had to hurry. I grabbed the mallet with my left hand and brought it down smartly onto the dorsum of my right wrist. After the pain subsided, I could see the former discrete mass had spread out over the back of my hand (which was now puffy from subcutaneous ganglion fluid). I had successfully ruptured the ganglion. Of course, I am a trained doctor. Don't try this at home, or if you do, sue my colleague.
It's now about a month post malleting and you can hardly see any evidence of the ganglion. My wrist hurt for a while but all in all I am quite satisfied with the medical care I received at my own hands. And while this is the one and only medical condition that can be successfully treated by the Literal Word of God, an atheist can do without it and still be cured.
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I think your faith in the Bible is touching, but misplaced. Clearly it was Thor, the hammer-wielder, whose intercession cured you.
"If so, I can guess what repetitive motion is involved with mine. I'm doing it now."
Ew. TMI.
Bill: You're probably right, because afterwards Ifelt Might Thor.
Jim: I touch type with both hands. But I was wondering to myself as I typed those words how long it would take for that thought to occur to someone. I wonder no longer.
Perhaps we could start a list of other things that the literal word of god could be used for. Starting fires is one. The word of God starts many fires (some quite literal as in the inquisition) why not use the pages for tinder.
Hmm. My GP poked around so hard at my ganglion (on a toe joint) that it, too, disappeared. I teased her about "laying on of hands."
Dude, that's disgusting! Fucking pervert.
My sympathies ... I have a recurring one right next to the pulse point of my radial artery. It's currently not there, but it is annoyingly "present" when it's there. It's way too close to the nerves and arteries to be easily aspirated or excised. Bloody nuisance!
As to medical uses of the Literal Word of God ... the pages of some of them make great delivery devices for self-administering herbal relaxant fumes.
At least you didn't have the condition, or require the exact same therapy, as that infection which came to be known by the name for its alleged treatment: the clap.
Comrade Physioprof: I'm flattered. But, alas, I'm already taken.
Comrade Physioprof just needs a hug. He's been uptight of late; something about weddings.
As to medical uses of the Literal Word of God
My maternal grandmother (b ca 1908) liked to tell stories about how my mother would soften up the pages of the Sears catalog before using them in the outhouse. I would imagine that the printed Literal Word of God would be much gentler.
I had the same condition - unfortunately, mine (having a somewhat fibrosed sheath after I'd endured it for a few years) proved refractory to pretty much every religious, scientific and secular text. It was also so sore (nerve entrapment due to increased size) that the concept of a hammer probably would have sent me screaming from the room.
I employed the services of a surgeon (despite my lit search indicating that they often come back) to remove the most bothersome - a success.
A few months later, the other one regressed of its own accord. N=1, but I suspect it may have had something to do with hormone altering medication that I was on at the time, because when I ceased that, it began to grow again. Also, these things seem to be found primarily in women... so perhaps the sex hormones do something to slightly soften the ligaments of the wrist, allowing a ganglion cyst to arise either by irritation or by a process similar to a hernia through the abdominal wall?
attack rate: Yes, a lot of them have to have surgery. My son had one on the volar aspect of his wrist and it took a skilled hand surgeon to remove it. Ine will probably come back, at which point maybe I'll ask a surgeon to aspirate it. We'll see. Or I could try Cecil and Loeb.
LOL A guy came to fix my stove and was complaining about the lump on his wrist. I looked, diagnosed, explained to him what it was, and what the solution was. He was willing, so I grabbed the...PDR. It was the correct dose and route:-)
Yes, we waited till after he finished fixing the stove.
(PDR=physician's desk reference, a drug book)
Just be glad that you didn't get them on the top of the foot. You might get accused of spending too much time searching for the perfect wave. Dude
A few years ago something similar appeared to grow to the point of annoyance. It was located closer to the elbow joint than the wrist, inside of arm. One day, bolstered by German lager courage, I grabbed my arm and squeezed the area as hard as possible with my thumb. Same results.
All hail the founder of: The Church of The Rubber Mallet.
My dog! The bible worked for me, too!
Ok, it wasn't a bible. It was a dictionary. But that's still a big book full of words!
And now, Off Topic, but geeze, you gotta hear this one. http://apnews.myway.com/article/20090802/D99QLSRG1.html
From an AP story comes this amazing news:
I don't quite know what to say. It's like dirty soap or dry water. How . . . ?
I had the same problem a few years ago. The solution used by my doctor: a small coin (for applying the pressure evenly, but concentrated on a smaller area), and a small hammer (the kind found in most households).
One light tap, no more problems since.
Crudely: I saw this on the FDA Press site. This won't the the last of this kind of thing, either.
I saw the Clarcon item too, and since bacteria in cosmetic products are a concern of mine I looked into it. The only disinfectent in it is benalkonium chloride. That is a quaternary amine which is antibacterial by virtue of being a cation.
âIngredients:
Aloe Vera, honey, natural milk, water, glycerin USP, citric acid, nonylphenol, benzalkonium chloride, triethanolamine, colorant, dietanolamine, sodium lauril ether sulfate, white petrolatum, urea, d-limonene, cocamide DEA.â
http://www.clarconlabs.net/Products/MyLotionSkinShield/Domestic/tabid/2…
Cationic antibacterials are incompatable with anionic surfactants which this product does contain. This product also has plenty of substrates that bacteria can grow on (milk, honey, citric acid, glycerine).
I figured out it was a ganglion cyst from the teaser in my newsreader. Do I get a NoPrize?
(I had them on both hands. The right-hand one has resolved, and the left-hand one has shrunk quite a bit from what it was in the old days of untreated RSI.)
Very interesting...and so timely. My chef husband recently had a couple of those cysts pop up out of nowhere on his wrist and palm. No bibles around, but we've got a number of hefty cookbooks handy...CIA's The Professional Chef weighs about 8 lbs...that ought to work well.
Thanks...now if only there were something so simple to do about his stubborn head to toe Psoriasis.
My wife had the same problem a few years ago. We spent an afternoon hammering metal pipes into the ground to shore up a retaining wall. The wall is still up and the wife's ganglion has not returned. Perhaps yard work is an easier way to go.
Dear Revere,
I am no medico so have no idea what a ganglion cyst might be but the laugh that your story gave me was medicine enough for a range of ills!