Those weren't aliens! They were communist-Nazi mutants!

Author Annie Jacobsen has a new book that finally reveals the truly true truth about the so-called UFO crash in Roswell, New Mexico. And here is the answer: Roswell Martians May Have Been Deformed Nazi Kids Sent by Stalin.

It explains so much.

The craft, she writes, wasn't an alien spaceship, as many have since theorized, nor was it a weather balloon, as the U.S. military alleged in its clumsy cover story. It was, according to Jacobsen, a Nazi-inspired Soviet spy plane with Cyrillic letters embossed on the hull, crewed by malformed adolescents, two of whom survived the crash.

Stalin used captured Nazi aircraft designs to build the plane, according to Jacobsen. She says he had Mengele provide surgically altered "grotesque child-sized aviators" who were supposed to climb out of the aircraft and be mistaken for visitors from Mars -- to sow the kind of confusion in the U.S. created by Orson Welles's 1938 "War of the Worlds" radio broadcast.

Of course! Why didn't I think of this before?

This "revelation," such as it is, will no doubt gratify those who already suspected as much.

I…wait. I was being sarcastic. Really. This can't actually have been an explanation with widespread currency, could it? I mean, I've seen the photos of the "wreckage".

It doesn't look like a crashed interstellar spaceship, but it also doesn't look like a top-secret Nazi Wunderwaffen, either. It sort of looks like tattered scraps of a weather balloon.