Not too long ago, I had lunch with one of my mentors, a senior woman in a different department who has been just an incredible resource and sounding board for me over the years. Meeting with this woman always makes me feel better: she boosts my confidence when it needs boosting, and is really good at coming up with strategies to deal with the various things I've had to deal with over the years. And lunch on this particular day was no exception.
One of the many things that I've been beating myself up over lately is "difference". Namely, the difference between me and my departmental colleagues. I've blogged about this in the past, most recently here. The thing is that I don't "fit the mold" of a computer scientist in many ways. My teaching/research/interpersonal style of dealing with students is very different from the way my colleagues do these things. Sometimes it seems like they all do things one way and I do and approach things in an entirely different way. And I'm not the stereotypical computer scientist, in obvious ways (I'm a woman) and not-immediately-obvious ways (my interests and background, which I touched on in the post I linked to above). And I've been beating myself up over this because, for some reason, I've started equating getting tenure with conforming to the "norm" in my department. I've convinced myself that if I'm not like Them, They won't tenure me.
My mentor reminded me that differences are A Good Thing. That my style of teaching and researching and interacting with students, while different from my colleagues, is necessary in my department, because it would not be present if I were not there and there is a set of students who react better to my style than to the dominant style. Difference is good, because it brings much-needed diversity to my department, and allows more students of various stripes to "see" themselves, potentially, as computer scientists. That what I perceive as "weaknesses" in myself are really just "different strengths". That monocultures are bad.
And on a possibly related note, our current pool of majors is noticeably less diverse (in gender, in the type of students we have [percentage of stereotypical CS students], etc.) than it has been in recent memory. Which happens to coincide with the year I was on leave. Hmmmm.
So anyway, I've decided that I need to give myself credit for being myself and stop trying to mold myself into someone I'm not comfortable being. It's ok to be who I am, with my particular set of strengths. I need to remember that MY STRENGTHS ARE NOT LIABILITIES.
Whether or not this ultimately earns me tenure, of course, is another story.
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Sounds like great advice to me!
Jane,
I'm in CS too (but a not-yet-seeing-the-end phd student), and male. But I hear you. I didn't/don't "fit the mold" in the way your last post revealed either: I didn't do science clubs, I didn't do chess or robots or whatever, and though I went to, and excelled at, a top-notch ivy league school, in HS I was a mediocre student with loser friends and mostly non-academic interests.
But I think there is a great need for people like you in CS. Sure, females are nice (for everyone's sake), but specifically I am talking about people with different lives, interests, hobbies, etc. My mentor in undergrad hooked me on CS because he didn't fit the CS mold either -- he liked to garden, build greenhouses, and play sports. I'm guessing there are majors where you are that feel isolated because all the profs seem so much unlike them.
-Kevin
So nice that you have such a supportive mentor!
Fuck, yeah! Remember, the faculty in your department did a faculty search and hired YOU! Unless you portrayed yourself as someone you are not, and only reverted to being yourself after taking the position, they knew what they were getting.
Assuming you are at a research university, your tenure case is going to depend on a lot more than just the personal opinions of your colleagues in your department. It is going to depend on your funding record and current situation, your publication record, the letters of outside referees from your field who are familiar with your work, teaching and administrative service (to some extent), and the personal opinions of your senior faculty is just one piece of this puzzle.
Be you, and have fucking fun!
Is your enrollment growing? The CS enrollment at PrettyGood sure is, so I am suprised you are becoming less diverse. I've found many CS types to usually be grateful to be around people who can make small talk and match clothing because it's just not their thing. Of course I'm overgeneralizing and stereotyping in the same sentence (and its only 9 a.m. - go me!), but I guess what I mean to say is that different can also be a real strength.
Kevin, what you say is absolutely true. Many of my male advisees are majors who don't "fit the mold" either, and I've talked with them about how isolating that can be. I'm glad you found a nonstereotypical mentor. Best of luck finishing the PhD!
PhysioProf, that's so true (that my department hired me for a reason), and something I tend to forget. Of course, going back to the Bad Relationship metaphor I love to use, I sometimes wonder if they hired me thinking that they could change me. :)
Mommyprof, our enrollments are going up, so that's nice. We're pretty much stagnant in terms of the number (and percentage) of women and minority majors, and have been for a while. This year, we saw a decrease in the women majors and majors of color. Plus, it seems that more of our majors this year fit the stereotype of a CS nerd to a T---it's almost like someone dropped a Star Trek convention on our department. (No offense to Star Trek fans---I'm just trying to put the right visual in your head.) I don't know a lot of the new majors well enough yet, but I can potentially see some problems with the resulting culture in the labs and in our major classes (with the macho nerdy behavior and posturing and such). I hope I'm wrong, but we'll see.
In case my last comment was not clear:
increase in # of majors = Good!
stagnation/decrease in # of women/minority majors = Dismal/Worrisome!
Unless your department is grossly dysfunctional, this is highly unlikely. My experience has been that departments use faculty hires to achieve the exact opposite: to change the nature of the department by providing new style, teaching expertise, or research area.
Rock on!
You know, this sort of thing is rather encouraging to hear. I walked into college and signed up as Computer Science because it fit the sort of area I wanted to go into (that grey area between pure and applied science). My introductory CS professor was so horrid, and the people in my class were so... well, stereotyped, that I ran away from the subject. I convinced myself I didn't like the subject, even though I had actually quite enjoyed the late night design and problem solving crunches when projects were do.
It's true that I was a bit of a geek in HS; I was good at chemistry and physics, and perhaps more important, I was good at explaining things. I taught my fellow students a lot. So, of course, what was I known for? My abilities at analyzing texts and writing English papers, and for being the only person in the school who could properly run the theatre lights. Because as a science student, I spent more time in the theatre, whether designing sets, setting up lights, rehearsing for competition (as techie or actor), or scribbling edits and new verses on my play, than anywhere else.
I did not like the students I met in the CS department, who seemed to make a sport out of asking the most advanced technical questions they could come up with during lecture, as if to demonstrate that they were better then this course. It was very sad. I took my A and ran.
Luckily, perhaps, I ended up in Mathematics, which is smaller and much more low-key; I've had a string of excellent professors (even when I curse them on day one, I always appreciate their classes come finals). Now, I'm an undergrad research assistant in a lab group with a bunch of CS/Engineering types, but you wouldn't know it by looking at us.
Whew, sorry to go spilling everything about my life, but this post and the one you linked resonated with me as one of those students who DID run away because of the culture and not the subject.
Wish I had a mentor like that. I'm constantly being told to conform as much as possible in order to get hired. It does not come naturally to me.
I agree that being slightly different is a strength; but you're right in thinking that being too different can be a liability sometimes.
In my case, I think it's very hard to see where my science would fit into traditional departments in my field(s). Both for me and for them.
But as someone else pointed out, YOU got HIRED. You're probably not different to the point of sticking out like a throbbing sore thumb.
Of course, it makes me sad to hear that you being away for a year impacted admissions so drastically. But it shows how tremendously important it is that your department has you there to help steer them in the right direction. The students must appreciate you.
And if the department doesn't realize that, I hope you can find somewhere that will.