Waiting

I have been waiting for my summer to begin. May was a nightmarish whirlwind of deadlines and heavy amounts of work and way too many obligations, that spilled over into June. (But on the bright side, I did get another article out, so yay me!) Things, I think, are finally calming down, and indeed I think summer for me is about to begin.

But the experience has been unsettling. I've had very little downtime, either personally or work-wise. I haven't had time to reflect on my summer plans, map out what I need to do this summer and this coming school year (as I prepare for the dreaded tenure review). I haven't even had time to reflect on the school year, to figure out what went well and what needs to improve. I'm just in limbo right now, dealing with the day-to-day and not being able to take a step back and look at The Big Picture.

"Waiting" and "unsettled" describe my life in general right now. I'm waiting to see if in fact I will be able to take a greater role on campus next year, service-wise. I'm waiting to see what my chances are of earning tenure here, which means I'm waiting to figure out what my Grand Plan is (going on the market, and if so how extensive does my search need to be; coming up with a contingency plan if I don't get tenure; thinking about what I want my role at my institution and in my department to be if I do get tenure; etc.). I'm waiting for my student evaluations to be returned so I can figure out where to go with my teaching. I'm waiting to figure out where to send this damned journal article so that it sees the light of day, soon. Heck, I'm waiting to see if I get tenure before I tackle some projects I'd really like to do, like partially remodeling the kitchen or overhauling some of the landscaping.

All this waiting is making me feel very unsettled. I know where I'd like to be (tenured), but at this point I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I feel like my fate, in some respects, largely lies in the hands of others. All I want is some clarity, but clarity is not forthcoming right now, and won't be for a while. All I can do is keep plugging away....and wait.