This Day in Medicine - August 28th

Wee-Dram-Upon-the-Rocks, Scotland, 1768 - Dr. Fergus McGregor, a well-known general practitioner from Edinburgh, has moved to this charming village in the Highlands in order to escape the overwrought lifestyle of the city. He announced his decision to his wife on that fateful day by stating "As lang as ye stand ye dinna stay," which she misunderstood as a request to make him a haggis-and-peanut-butter sandwich. After lunch, though, she agreed to his scheme and within the month they set off in their carriage to this delightful destination, certainly more melodious on the tongue than its sister village, Drumnadrochit.

Dr. McGregor's reputation as a firm, yet kind healer is soon established and his surgery thrives. Many a tale is told about the hogbeasts, pished bawbags, oobits and other awfy peely-wally chuters who leave his simple building feeling tricket enough to spangy across town. Soon the line to enter his morning clinic weaves down the lane. Tempers flare as the wait to see the miracle worker becomes interminable, but McGregor refuses to compromise his dedication to a thorough examination of each patient.

Sometime after the summer solstice a recently furloughed young soldier sees a financial opportunity in this daily gathering. He begins to entertain the crowd with jokes, stories, songs and what turned out to be a one-time attempt at sword-swallowing, followed by a fireman's carry to the front of the queue. Asking merely for small change in recompense for his skill in breaking the monotony of the wait, the performer soon becomes as beloved as the doctor. The line of patients swells and begins to include several bonny lasses lacking any specific complaint other than a thumping of the heartstrings as they listen to the handsome young man.

Fortune, however, has its own selfish amusements and to the disappointment of the crowd the soldier is called back to his regiment. Not wishing to leave his audience in despair, at his final performance his distributes pamphlets containing his written material and asks the crowd to remember him while passing time in line. The gambit is a success. Soon McGregor commissions the soldier to send a hodgepodge of stories to his office every week, where it is copied and placed outside the doors for the waiting masses.

Unfortunately, the soldier had a limited talent for writing and before long was sending plagiarized articles from the Army manual, which were less than titillating to the average reader. To the humilation of patients everywhere this practice caught hold not only in Scotland, but in the Colonies and before one can say "The doctor will see you now" every doctor's office in the civilized world now has reading material similar to the periodical I exhibit below, which was taken from my own waiting room just last week.