iCephalon 2009 Keynote address (AKA Encephalon 72)

Here at Encephalon's temporary North Carolina headquarters, we were miffed to learn that our long-scheduled Keynote address has been upstaged by some upstart computer company's manufactured "event" in California.

Not to be outdone, we're giving Encephalon an upgrade of our own. Encephalon is now iCephalon. And boy, do we have an exciting lineup of products for you!

First up, iPeople. Our Neurocritic division discusses the exciting discovery touted as the "people person brain area." Really? That almost sounds too good to be true! If you're skeptical, all we ask is that you follow the link. The Neurocritic division also offers an analysis of the new TV show iMental. Sure, it might offer typecast, stereotyped views of psychiatrists and their patients, but I hear the star has absolutely dreamy eyes.

Over at the SharpBrains division, be sure to check out iFitBib an amazing resource that will revolutionize the way you look at comprehensive bibliographic references about brain fitness.

If that sounds impressive to you, just wait till you see what's available at our BrainImplant division. This video explains the most exciting product since the invention of the wheel-shaped brick of cheese, known, of course, as the iPlant!!!! How do you get people to do pretty much anything you want? Just implant an electrode in their brain that makes the most humdrum activities feel as great as sexual intercourse. Dull physical exercise, hard labor, even filling out mindless tax forms can now be the most mind-blowing events of the day! Side effects include becoming government controlled zombies and a complete lack of interest in actual sexual intercourse, but if you're having this much fun, who cares? BrainImplant also had a couple other interesting announcements, which I'm sure you'll check out while you're waiting for your iPlant to arrive in the mail.

What can top that? Our NeuroNarrative division thinks it has a winner: the iBelieve, a handy calculation for determining how likely you are to fall for paranormal explanations of unlikely phenomena, like you and your date BOTH liking ice cream! As a bonus, the iBelieve also comes with the iHood, an interview with Bruce Hood, author of a recent book about paranormal beliefs. Now how much would you pay? But wait, there's more. There's also iMovie iSmoke, an astute analysis of the influence of movies on smoking behavior. All this available now for the low, low price of 1 million Zimbabwean dollars, rounded to the nearest U.S. cent.

But perhaps you're a more down-to-earth person and you're more concerned with physical stature. Today's your lucky day, because Neurotopia is offering the iMbig, an impressive study showing while tall people have higher status, high-status individuals also look taller. I think I have a new product idea: the iMakeMeBig, an iPhone that is approximately 1 inch long. When you hold it, you look three times taller than a normal person, thus commanding instant respect!

On a cheerier note, BrainBlogger is proud to offer the new iTorture and iPlasticity, covering research on Milgram's classic obedience experiments and neuroplasticity.

Have you ever felt like life was just slipping away, with no way to remember the moments that make up your dull days? The Neurophilosophy division has a product that can help: iGetaLife, a syndrome which never leaves you at a loss for memories. People with iGetaLife, also known as confabulatory hypermnesia, can explain in detail what happened on any day of their life -- say, March 13, 1985. Whether those details are actually true is less certain... but that's a problem we'll deal with in iGetaLife 2.0.

The Brain Stimulant division has another great product that a has mega-potential: the iReallyReallyBigBrain. How big can you make a brain and have it still function properly? Really, Really big!

And the NeuroAnthropology division has a special treat for us: the iGetMyStudentsToBlogForMe, a set of amazing posts written by students in his class on anthropology and substance abuse. The best of the bunch might just be iEnhance, discussing the use of drugs like Ritalin and Adderall to enhance cognitive performance.

Oh, and one more thing, which we've been cooking up right here in the temporary North Carolina iCephalon headquarters: iSize, a handy guide to how we learn to judge the size of faraway objects.