Your Friday Dose of Woo: Can somebody get me some frickin' laser beams with my Reiki?


Regular readers of this blog are probably aware of my general opinion about Reiki and other "energy healing" modalities. In short, they're woo, pure and simple. Consequently, one might reasonably ask why I've never featured the woo that is Reiki in Your Friday Dose of Woo. There's a simple reason for that.

Basic Reiki is boring.

Really, I mean it. In and of itself, it just doesn't reach the level of sheer ecstatic nuttiness that I like to feature every week. Oh, sure, there's lots of handwaving about "channeling the universal energy" through the healer to augment the life force of the person being healed. Certainly there's lots of serious woo about being able to heal people at a distance or through laying on of hands. (And you thought Jesus was main guy known for this.) But, in its basic form, Reiki lacks something to put it truly over the top. I wasn't sure what it was, but I found out.

It's missing laser beams. No, really. We're talking about Laser Reiki, which provides this promise:

If you loved the movie The Matrix, then you will love healing your life and changing your reality with Laser Reiki.

Now we're talking! Personally, I did like The Matrix. I even liked The Matrix Reloaded. The Matrix Revolutions kind of sucked, though. Is Laser Reiki like The Matrix, or is it like The Matrix Revolutions? You be the judge!


Of course, the question that I have is: Where did this fabulous woo come from? How was it discovered? Who thought of combining lasers and Reiki? Follow me, Grasshopper, on a journey of discovery:

Now, Reiki Masters, Taylore Vance and Roi Halse both of Chehalis, Washington have introduced new healing concepts that take Reiki a quantum leap into the future.

"In 1994 we discovered additional levels of Reiki healing beyond Masters." Taylore explains, "I call Level 4 -- Laser Reiki (LR) and Level 5 -- Cosmic Energetic Healing (CEH). They are light years ahead of basic Reiki." LR & CEH as defined and taught by Roi and Taylore heals at the atomic, sub-atomic, quantum and original creation level. Its impact can in many cases cause the body to instantly heal itself, and the mind and spirit as well.

In the traditional 3 levels of Reiki you are flowing the god force energy as it flows from the 4th dimension to heal the physical. In other words, you are flowing energy to mass. It works, but it may take several weeks or more to permanently bring wellness to an individual.

Perhaps I should have treated Reiki before. After all, if Lionel Milgrom can graft a misbegotten distortion of quantum theory onto homeopathy to create a Frankenstein monster of woo, then why couldn't the someone else fart something similar out and graft it onto Reiki? And, of course, why should Reiki limit itself to a paltry four dimensions? In the world of woo, that's pathetic. Heck, even the DNA activation guy claims twelve dimensions! Given that Reiki is perhaps the most popular energy woo out there, that's pathetic. Fortunately, Vance and Halse are there to crank up the dimensionality of Reiki to a more respectably woo-ful level:

With the use of Laser Reiki and Cosmic Energetic Healing the energy flows directly from the 6th or higher dimensions directly into the patient's energy body where it first aligns the energy body with a hologram of perfection. Next, the healing flows naturally into the physical body. In other words, the transfer of healing flows from energy to energy. This is hundreds of times more efficient. Instant healings can and do happen! (Many times, but not every time because there are other factors involved.)

"But not every time"? One can't help but marvel at the built in excuse. Of course, believe it or not, it's all about

Science seems to have proven that we are even born with tendencies for disease and problems. These show up imprinted within the cells in three ways: 1) energy blockages from unresolved problems from the past, 2) genetic tendencies from our biological lineage, and 3) those astrological tendencies caused by the birth/conception date. These are very similar to abandoned software still operating behind the scenes in a computer. Each disruptive program causes little disturbances in the overall well being of an individual.

A clearer indication of the mindset behind this woo would be hard to find. Consider: "energy blockages" and "astrological tendencies" are treated as equivalent to genetic tendencies from our biological lineage. Science, superstition, woo, to them it's all the same. They take this risible connection even further in another section of their website, where a Dr. Gutierrez, who is represented as a research physicist and engineer. He assures us that all of this Laser Reiki and Cosmic Energetic Healing are really and truly science:

Our small scientific group, UTC Research Group (UTCRG), has found that latest research in brain neurophysiology, cognitive sciences, information theory, quantum physics, Theory of Relativity and astrophysics can explain many of these "bizarre" symptoms/conditions, for now it is known that CONSCIOUSNESS is not the product of the highly organized/complex brain; but that the brain is a mere transducer/computer of Consciousness, Thought & Subtle Energies that are extrinsic to the Mind-Body Complex, the result of which is EMOTIONS, FEELINGS & ATTITUDES. And, it is these last byproducts of the human psyche -- the ones responsible for triggering psychosomatic conditions in the physical body, organically, psychologically or sensorially. Modern eminent medical authorities in the Quantum Healing Paradigm, such as Dr. Deepak Chopra, Dr. Caroline Myss, Dr. Norman Shealy, Dr. Richard Gerbee, Dr. Bernie Segal, and others, have written extensively on the relationships of Mind, Spirit, Body & Health.

Egads! it sounds like an unholy fusion of Deepak Chopra and Michael Egnor! Of course, when you see a paragraph like the above, you know that there's only one way the woo must be going. Yes, it's going quantum:

Notice the above definition regards the human body, not as a Newtonian-Cartesian machine, but as Quantum-Relativistic Consciousness/Vital Energy Transducer, a Wholistic Entity, in which ENERGY (Vital-Cosmic) in-forms/governs the BODY (Matter), not vice-versa. This is precisely the Quantum Mechanics view of Consciousness, Energy & Matter -- hence the New Quantum Healing Paradigm proposed by Prof. David Bohm (Implicate Order Physics), Prof. Karl Pribram (Holographic Brain/Body) & Dr. Deepak Chopra (Healing is a Quantum Process).

Since Prof. David Bohm's Quantum Physics postulation included Super Quantum Potential and an Implicate Order in the Universal Chaos, it needed non-local space-time relativistic interactions. Being a "protTgT" of Einstein while at Princeton, he was highly influenced by Einstein's Relativity Theory, and later formulated his famous Hidden Variables Theory, which in simple terms means that not all forces/energies may be "measurable/detected", yet they still affect matter. In other words, Subtle Energies do indeed exist! But can't always be measured or detected, and that is the premise that LASER REIKI - COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING uses in dealing with subtle energies that are beyond the conventional concepts of CHI/PRANA, yet, being more rarefied and subtle, they approach, our concepts of SPIRIT/SOUL and the "dreaded" G-word: "GOD"!

In simple terms, all the above means that LASER REIKI û COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING takes into account in their healing modalities the various energetic factors that do not follow LINEAR TIME FLOWS, but Quantum-Relativistic non-linear "jumps" in space-time. This could be simultaneous/parallel realities (lives), or factors from previous incarnations(reverse time flow) or potential situations/conditions created in the future(by Consciousness/Attitudes/Emotions)that may be influencing the NOW!

Sounds bizarre or crazy? Why, this is standard stuff with Quantum-Relativistic Physicists! What was considered "science-fiction" 30 years ago has become "standard" scientific fact today in the strange, but wonderful world of the Quantum-Relativistic View of Nature! Isn't physics great!

Yes, physics is indeed wonderful. What's not so wonderful is to see physics abused in such a manner. In fact, it's ugly indeed to see so many seemingly legitimate-sounding terms from physics mixed with the most potent woo in a witches' brew. Most amusing to me is the part where the existence of "subtle energy" is postulated; yet it is also said with a straight face that this energy "can't always be measured or detected." Even funnier is that these undetectable "subtle energies" are at the heart of Laser Reiki. Does this mean that the effects of Laser Reiki can't be detected either? If that's the case, then what good is it?

Before I can finish my "loving treatment" of this most wondrous woo that I have discovered, one question remains. Indeed, it is a question that nagged at me as soon as I saw the website and started reading its amazing contents. It's a critical question that goes right to the very heart of Laser Reiki in an absolutely undeniable way. In fact, it's the same question Doctor Evil asked of his henchmen in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery: Where are the laser beams? Just as Doctor Evil wanted laser beams attached to the heads of his sharks, I want frickin' laser beams attached to my Reiki in Laser Reiki! Otherwise, again, what good is it?

So where are the laser beams? Just like Dr. Evil, sadly I'm to be seriously disappointed:

Anyway, some folks wondered why the term "Laser Reiki" was used. Well, when consciousness is focused and willfully directed by a powerful pulse of breath, as in Oriental martial Arts, It delivers a powerful burst of energy -- laser-like indeed! In fact, the specialized type of breath used in LASER REIKI - COSMIC ENERGETIC HEALING together with a precise hand motion is reminiscent of Oriental Martial Arts/Japanese-style Katas (Formal Exercises), or more precisely, the Cobra Breathing of Tantrik Yoga's Fire Breath (Kapalabhati)with hand Mudra/Gesture. It delivers a very powerful burst of concentrated CHI/PRANA, with the intensity of a Laser Beam, hence the name -- Laser Reiki.

Whaaaat? No lasers? You mean the use of the term "Laser Reiki" is nothing more than a metaphor? I mean, I had one simple request, and that is to have Reiki with frickin' laser beams attached to it! Now evidently my woo-meister colleague informs me that that cannot be done, that the term "Laser Reiki" is nothing but a metaphor! Would Dr. Gutierrez remind me what I would be paying Taylore Vance and Roi Halse for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?

Laser Reiki without real lasers?

That's like having to settle for mutated sea bass instead of real sharks.

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Buzz Lightyear: "With the use of Laser Reiki and Cosmic Energetic Healing the energy flows directly from the 6th or higher dimensions directly into the patient's energy body where it first aligns the energy body with a hologram of perfection."

Woody: It's not a laser! It's a little light that blinks!

By notmercury (not verified) on 12 Oct 2007 #permalink

Pah, I see you your mundane laser reiki and raise you angelic reiki ("It is now generally accepted that the system of healing known as Reiki is the original system of healing that was practiced in Atlantis. ..."). Reiki, angels and Atlantis: that's got to be a potent combination.

Ooh, I want to write a book telling how to perform Celtic Reiki, you know, like the Druids did at Stonehenge.

It'd sell like smack at a celebrity rehab.

Dear Dr. Orac:

I realize that the following would have been more appropriately included as a comment to your posting about woo taking over at the University of Maryland's Shock Trauma Center, and apoligize for the delay. I knew I'd read about it somewhere, but couldn't locate it for a while. Still, it's a story that came out of Chicago, a place you're fond of, so I request an indulgence for being late. It's "comforting" to know that "medicine" being practiced there (and apparently becoming part of the CAM methods increasingly taught in medical schools) doesn't meet the high standards of a 4th grade science project:

Fourth-grade science project casts doubt on `therapeutic touch' By Brenda C. Coleman
Copyright 1998 The Associated Press
March 31, 1998
CHICAGO (AP) -- A study conducted by a 9-year-old girl for a science project and published in a distinguished medical journal concludes that "therapeutic touch," in which a healer supposedly manipulates a patient's energy field, is bunk.

Emily Rosa, the daughter of a registered nurse and an inventor, found that 21 experienced practitioners were unable to detect the field they supposedly manipulate to heal.

Her study was published in Wednesday's Journal of the American Medical Association and immediately drew fire from supporters of the practice, who say it is respected worldwide.

Therapeutic touch has been used to treat problems ranging from burns to cancer.

The technique is practiced in at least 80 North American hospitals and taught in more than 100 colleges and universities in 75 countries, said the study, written by the Loveland, Colo., fourth-grader, her parents and a Pennsylvania doctor who works to uncover quackery.
Those who practice the technique say an energy field emanates from every person and is detectable above the skin. The healer moves his or her hands over the patient's body to modify the field. Touching the patient isn't necessary.

More than 100,000 people worldwide have been taught the technique, including at least 43,000 health-care professionals, the study said.

Emily set up a cardboard screen through which practitioners put their hands. With their sight blocked, she asked them to identify which of their hands was near one of hers.

The 21 practitioners chose the correct hand 44 percent of the time. That was slightly less than the 50 percent chance they would have had of choosing the correct hand by guessing, authors said.

"To our knowledge, no other objective, quantitative study involving more than a few therapeutic touch practitioners has been published, and no well-designed study demonstrates any health benefit from therapeutic touch," the study concluded.

"These facts, together with our experimental findings, suggest that therapeutic touch claims are groundless and that further use of therapeutic touch by health professionals is unjustified."

Emily's mother, Linda Rosa, acknowledged that she is a longtime skeptic of the practice. Emily said she conducted her study for a school science fair two years ago because she was a bit skeptical herself and "just wanted to see if they could feel the human energy field."

There were no winners in the fair. She got a blue ribbon like everyone else.

The research was never intended to be published, Rosa said. But word spread, and the PBS show "Scientific American Frontiers" featured Emily's tests on Nov. 19. Dr. Stephen Barrett of Quackwatch Inc., based in Allentown, Pa., suggested submitting the findings to JAMA.

Dolores Krieger, professor emeritus of nursing science at New York University and co-founder of therapeutic touch in 1972, scoffed at Emily's findings and said she was "astounded" JAMA published the study.

"It's poor in terms of design and methodology," she said. She said the designer of the study -- Emily -- should not have been the one to conduct it, and the 21 subjects were too few and unrepresentative.

The validity of therapeutic touch has been established in numerous doctoral dissertations and "innumerable" clinical studies, said Ms. Krieger, who has written two books about it.

The practice has been safe and helpful in improving conditions from premenstrual syndrome, headaches, burns and bone fractures to asthma, reproductive problems, cancer and AIDS, according to one of her books.
Dr. George D. Lundberg, editor of JAMA for 16 years, said he handled the editing of Emily's report and the research is sound.

"I do not believe age should be a bar on anything, either young or old," he said. "It's the quality of the science that matters."

Patricia W. Abrams, 59, said therapeutic touch saved her life 17 years ago after conventional doctors had given up on treating her for agnogenic myloid fibrosis, a fatal, incurable blood disorder.

"I've never been healthier," said Mrs. Abrams, co-owner of an educational publishing company in Washington, Conn.
She said she underwent therapeutic touch weekly for two years, along with meditation and visualization. She later learned therapeutic touch herself and uses it in her volunteer work with hospice patients.

"It truly changed my life," Mrs. Abrams said.

Rob -

That made me snort coffee through the nose. I'm currently (re)reading At the Mountains of Madness by Lovecraft.

So this gets me thinking that Lumerian Reiki, could be even more mystical. Although, it also makes me think the Elder God Reiki, could top all of them. It would make laser Reiki rather wimpy in comparison to the all consuming fire, of Cthulu. I think I might be able to get behind some Cthulu Reiki.

Now there is some Grade A Prime Woo.
I have to admit though, it made my brain hurt reading the paragraph wherein quantum physics was invoked.
Is there a "bogus quantum physics" zombie ?

Ooh! The gross abuse of quantumn mechanics and General Relativity makes my head hurt. Especially considering that if anyone ever managed to combine the two and prove it would be instant Nobel Prize time.

And looking at their definition of Laser Reiki is sad. Everyone knowns that highly concentrated ki bursts are used for healing, they're used as weapons in obscenely high level martial arts combat. Well everyone who's played Street Fighter II and beyond does.

On a slightly unrelated topic does anyone elses linguistic sensibilities get offended when woo meisters start talking about reiki (which is Japanese) and then switch to discussions about chi/qi which is the Chinese pronounciation of the word. If it's reiki then say ki damnit. If you want to use qi/chi then at least have the grace to call it qigong!

By Knight of L-sama (not verified) on 12 Oct 2007 #permalink

That should be 'aren't used for healing' in my second paragraph there. {curses self's abysmal proof reading skills}

By Knight of L-sama (not verified) on 12 Oct 2007 #permalink

My colleagues and I have been trying to reanimate the corpse of Werner Heisenberg, but every time a lightning storm comes around and we get to run the experiment, he just doesn't stay coherent, and he collapses back into his ground state.

I'm holding out for Kosher Laser Reiki.

Seriously, though, I'm surprised there isn't more laser-woo: there are crystals, wavelengths, colors, vibrations, and the visuals are stunning.

I love the idea of mixing technology and woo. I wonder if I built my own particle accellerator whether I could make a bunch of money speeding up people's chi... After all, when your chi gets slow, you lose the flow.

Maybe scientists could make $$$ using their old experimental gear to do woo on the side. I bet an old MRI machine could work wonders by (briefly) aligning people's personal magnetic poles - at $1000 a pop. Perhaps it could cure wrinkles.

I'm going to see if I can get a really large microwave oven. They'll be calling me "chi booster god of woo" in no time at all. The problem, of course, is that microwaves actually do something useful...

If you want to use qi/chi then at least have the grace to call it qigong!

Qui Gon was one of the wimpiest of the Jedi, I think. I might name my woo after a Sith.

Since people pay $150 for a Rolfing session, I bet I could get $1500 for a 1 hour Darth Maul

My colleagues and I have been trying to reanimate the corpse of Werner Heisenberg, but every time a lightning storm comes around and we get to run the experiment, he just doesn't stay coherent, and he collapses back into his ground state.

Hm. Our group actually completed an experimental procedure last night with the goal of reanimating Erwin Schrödinger. We figure there's a 50% chance it succeeded, but we're afraid to open the apparatus to find out.

*runs off stage, pelted by tomatoes*

"Seriously, though, I'm surprised there isn't more laser-woo: there are crystals, wavelengths, colors, vibrations, and the visuals are stunning."

They probably try to shoot a laser through a crystal and end up blinded by a refracted beam.

As a point of interest, my manager in a government computing facility during the early 1990's (and his wife) taught Reiki. He was a believer.

He was very good at his professional job though.

By John Morales (not verified) on 12 Oct 2007 #permalink

When I hit huge paragraphs of word salad like this:

"Notice the above definition regards the human body, not as a Newtonian-Cartesian machine, but as Quantum-Relativistic Consciousness/Vital Energy Transducer, a Wholistic Entity, in which ENERGY (Vital-Cosmic) in-forms/governs the BODY (Matter), not vice-versa. "

And so on, my brain just turns right off. I mean my eyes may still pass over the little markings that translate into words, but some brain energy-saving device (perhaps a form of orignial creation energy!) recognizes that even after translating the marks into words it makes no sense and instead I find myself thinking about stuff I need to do that day. How does anybody read through more than a paragraph or two of this crap?