As I approach the second anniversary of Your Friday Dose of Woo (now only a mere two months away), it occurs to me: What sort(s) of woo, if any, have I neglected? Is there a kind of woo that is commonplace but has somehow slipped under Orac's radar? Hard as it may be to believe, there have now been over 100 installments of my weekly bit of vanity. Looking back over it, I see all manner of woo. Quantum homeopathy? Check? Sound healing? Of course! DNA Activation? That was definitely a fun one! Detoxification footpads? Not once, but twice! 9/11 Truther conspiracy theories? Yes, I've even wandered into that area as well. Religious woo? On more than a couple of occasions, even though afterward I sometimes felt guilty because it was just too easy.
Of course, woo that's too easy is the best kind of woo. When I choose such woo for my weekly installment, this peerless prose practically writes itself.
Still, despite all the ground that I've covered over the last 22 months, after all the myriad manners of most outrageous woo to which I have subjected you, my readers, there is one incredibly common form of woo about which I have yet to write, one form of woo that even the most confident man can sometimes fall prey to. It's a form of woo that has almost certainly existed since humans started to make medicines out of herbs or developing treatments to cure what ailed them. It may even have gone back further than that, back to the time when humans first discovered how to decorate their bodies, either for religious reasons or perhaps to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex--or at least able to get it on with them more effectively.
Yes, I'm talking about penis enlargement and boner woo.
I'm not sure why I've never done anything on this topic before. It is true that I try to keep this blog (mostly) family-friendly. I don't always succeed, but I usually don't get too crude. Well, most of the time, anyway. In discussing this topic, it's virtually impossible to avoid getting pretty crude. On the other hand, I don't think too many kids are reading, and even this installment of YFDoW probably won't go beyond a PG or PG-13 kind of a rating; so it's probably OK. Besides, the target--I mean topic--for this week is just too hilarious to let minor concerns about crudeness stop me.
Sadly for this particular installment of YFDoW, the owners of the company that makes Enzyte, the "natural male enhancement" pill whose ads featured Bob the Enzyte guy with his goofy smile at his supposedly "enhanced" manhood being swooned over by every female he encounters, are in dire danger of going to prison for defrauding customers, never mind that their entire pill is nothing more than one big fraud. Heck, one of the executives even admitted as much in his testimony. But fear not! We may have to say goodbye to Bob the Enzyte Guy (although I still can't figure out why I saw apparently new Enzyte ads on late night television last weekend--how can a company that's admitted its product is a big fraud still be in business?), fortunately, this sort of woo is never-ending. Besides, Enzyte is boring, its campy and sometimes funny commercials notwithstanding. All it is is a bunch of herbs and supplements that are somehow supposed to fix whatever it is that ails one's manhood. This is the 21st century, and 19th century herbal "male enhancement" woo just won't hack it anymore. We need new male enhancement woo for a new century.
Fortunately, there is just such woo. Say hello to Peloop magnetic male enhancement, thanks to a notification by Reverend BigDumbChimp.
The makers of this wondrous device start out telling it just like it is:
Getting it up and keeping it up is one of our biggest concerns. As we age, eat less then perfect foods, smoke, drink, overwork and just deal with the stress of daily life, our bodies in general and our penises specifically begin to suffer. Did you know that as we age our penises begin to shrink in size?!
The question is how do we make sure that our penises stay healthy and strong and even grow bigger and better?
How indeed. Never mind how to keep a man's heart, lungs, and mind healthy and strong. Those are clearly secondary considerations.
The sellers of the Peloop certainly don't pull any punches here, do they? I can't argue with the first sentence, anyway. Getting it up and keeping it up is indeed one of the biggest male concerns there is. But what can a man do to avoid having his penis shrivel up like the rest of his body as he gets older? What can a man do to keep his penis healthy and strong? Why, use Peloop of course! But how does this amazing bit of male enhancement work? The first thing I noticed about this devise is that it looks a lot like those plastic Livestrong bracelets, only--well--smaller. I also notice that it's adjustable, too. I suppose that's necessary because if a too-small ring were put around the shaft, I'm guessing it could do some damage. Making the ring adjustable solves that problem nicely and conveniently also obviates the need to have a "large," "medium," and "small" size, the latter of which no one would ever buy. Make that the latter two of which. Of course, they could always rename the sizes "large," "extra large," and "oh, my God."
But back to how the Peloop supposedly works. The description will amuse and astound you, I'm sure. Suffice it to say that it involves magnets, negative ions, and far infrared light rays. I kid you not. It's a veritable trifecta of male enhancement woo. Remember last week, when I discussed three different detoxification footpads? Remember how some versions of the footpads contained Tourmaline? Guess what? Not to be outdone, so does Peloop! It's chock-full of Tourmaline and Germanium to produce negative ions, just like the footpads. Detoxification, energization, boners, who knew negative ions were so versatile? Before we examine the three component parts of how the Peloop supposedly works, though, let's look at the overall rationale (if you can dignify it with that name):
peloop⢠is simply worn at the bottom of your penis just like you wear a ring on your finger. It's penis enhancement and penis enlargement made simple.
These materials work by drastically improving the condition of blood inside your penis. Your penis health is as good as the blood health inside it. If you have unhealthy blood in your penis, you will have a weak unhealthy penis BUT if you have healthy blood in your penis, you will have a big, strong and healthy penis. It's that simple.
Of course it is. But that's not all:
The first benefit comes from the magnet. peloop⢠contains a strong rare earth magnet that creates a magnetic field around the base of your penis where the blood enters.
When blood flows through this magnetic field, the blood cells spin then separate from each other giving each cell more surface area to carry much more oxygen and vital nutrients to your penis. The magnetic field also widens your penis's blood vessels allowing more blood to flow through.
The second benefit comes from Tourmaline and Germanium which emit negative ions (also known as "Air Vitamins") and Far Infra-Red Rays (also known as "Growth Rays").
Negative ions work to neutralize acidic levels in the bloodstream while Far Infra-Red Rays cleanse and increase the production of cells inside your penis.
peloop⢠is physically made by mixing Silicone, Germanium and Tourmaline using a high quality Mix-Refining Machine. Then a Vulcanizing Testing Machine is used to create the mold with a small hole for the magnet. The material mixture is added to the mold to create peloop⢠and the magnet is then inserted.
The result is one powerful peloop⢠that combines these amazing materials to give you permanent and lasting penis enhancement and enlargement.
Wow! Take that, Enzyte! Not only does Peloop promise better boners but it promises to grow your manhood too, just like the Swedish-made penis enlarger that Austin Powers was partial to:
At least the Peloop is easier to hide. I'm sure that its owners can even make up a better excuse for what it is than Austin Powers could with the Swedish-made penis enlarger, although one has to remember that this was supposedly the 1960s. I'm sure that 2008-era Swedish-made penis enlargers are much smaller and sleeker-looking now. But back to how the Peloop works. I mean, what is it that the magnetic field, negative ions, and far infrared do? It's all about the blood:
When you have an erection, it's just blood flowing into your penis causing it to expand. It's very important to understand that. Without blood, your penis is just a small piece of spongy skin hanging between your legs! Blood is what mushrooms your penis into a big hard cock.
Think of a balloon. Without air, a balloon is just a wrinkled up piece of rubber, but fill it up with air and it becomes a big round fun balloon. Your penis is a lot like a balloon; without blood, it's a wrinkled up piece of skin but fill it up with blood and it becomes a big strong cock.
Improve the blood flowing into your penis and you will have a new bigger, stronger and healthier penis.
Blood doesn't only act as filler, it carries with it the oxygen and necessary foods your penis needs to grow and be healthy.
If the blood cells you let in were more clean, separated and organized, your penis will receive all it needs to grow healthier and stronger.
AND if you could pump more and more healthy blood into your penis, your penis will expand and mushroom even more.
Wow, who knew that all it takes is to separate and organize the red blood cells that flow into the corpus cavernosum? Certainly, I'm sure there'd be some urologists interested in this phenomenon, given the--shall we say?--profit potential involved there. Of course, the drug companies wouldn't like it. After all, if the Peloop actually worked as claimed, it would seriously cut into sales of Viagra, Cialis, and other erectile dysfunction drugs, and all it is is a piece of yellow rubber with magnets in it. (Come to think of it, if I were selling this thing, I'd make sure to offer it in a range of manly colors.) Truly, the peloop could slay big pharma by replacing two of its most profitable drugs! Don't believe me? Then be absolutely, positively sure to to check out the video animation on the Peloop website. In it, you'll see clumps of red blood cells being zapped with...something. In response, the clumps break up into individual red blood cells, which then flow along much more smoothly. Truly, what did woo-meisters do before Flash? Of course, this is nothing more than the most hilarious nonsense. Magnetism, negative ions, and far infrared do nothing of the sort to red blood cells. Not that that stops Omar Long, the inventor of the Peloop, from making claims like this:
When FIR penetrates through skin to the deeper tissues, it transforms from light energy into heat energy and elevates tissue temperatures. The body then reacts by dilating all the blood vessels and capillaries regardless of size. Tissues are revitalized because of the improved (micro & macro) circulation, promoting much better blood circulation and cleansing of toxins and wastes.
In other words, it just heats the penis. Or it would just heat the penis if it actually did anything at all, which it almost certainly doesn't, other than compressing the base of the penis. Come to think of it, how on earth does a guy keep this ridiculous thing on? As a physician, I've had to deal with condom catheters on patients, and they never stayed on. They were always falling off. Unless a guy cranks this up to full tightness, thus risking the blood supply to his penis, I don't see how this thing wouldn't keep falling off every time he went to the bathroom.
You know, as I reach the end of our little excursion into woo this week, two things occur to me. First, this woo lacks a certain something. Oh, sure, it has magnetism, far infrared light, and negative ions. That's a good start. But, still, it lacks a something. Think about it. What does every good woo have? Vibration! Harmonics! But it's more than that. Vibrating with the frequency of the universe just isn't enough, either. Sure, it'd be good. It'd be real good. But it could be even better still. Imagine, if you will, if the guys at Life Technology got a hold of the Peloop. It wouldn't be enough for it to treat your penis with magnetic, ionic, infrared vibrations. Oh, no! It would treat your penis with magnetic, ionic, infrared quantum vibrations.
Damn. Sometimes I scare myself. Just be very glad that I haven't turned to the dark side.
The other thing that remembered is that I have dealt with boner woo before, and the guys at Life Technology did already do it before and do it better. They even made it homeopathic, although using the term homeopathic when referring to a penis would probably not be a good advertising technique.
It's a good one. Just think if they added vibration or harmonics it might be useful as a marital aid in the traditional sense....
Whoo, that website copy is just obsessed. It just doesn't seem normal to me to be that obsessed with penises; that's beyond "straight woman with healthy sex drive," and "gay man with healthy sex drive" into "fundamentalist Christian closet-case" territory.
On the other hand, spammers keep sending me e-mails telling me that if I'll only buy their product, I too could have a bigger penis too. I sort of wish, sometimes, I could tell them that if I want a bigger dick, I'll just buy the next size up the next time I'm in the adult toystore...
It does look a little like those Lance bracelets.
So are women attracted to colorful phallus adornments? Is Blue Steel magnetic?
Oh dear. That seems to be a variation of what's known as a "cock ring",used by some, especially in my community, to sustain an erection. I can't tell you if it works, never having needed one.
I'm going to have get around to writing up the story told me by a friend who is a carpenter of the three brothers on his job site who all went on the ExTenze program at the same time. It was hilarious.
Eh? How many Fridays are there in 22 months?
You forget; there have been occasional "bonus" Doses of Woo over that time period.
AnthonyMcCarthy - a cock ring is exactly what I thought of as well.
Still though - Omar LONG? Hahahahaha!
Anthony, you don't wear one because you need it, you wear it
because it looks good. Especially with studs and poky things
and glitter!
Sorry. I blame it on its being May.
"Eh? How many Fridays are there in 22 months??"
Bob, there's just too much woo and not enough Fridays, so it occasionally spills over.
Yep, it's just a plain cock strap: it might lead to a firmer erection by temporarily impeding venous return from the penis (harmless unless you wear it for hours on end) but that's it.
I need to start making these in a larger size, One that fits around the neck. I think some people need clean haelthy blood so their brains can grow.
I miss the Bob commercials. They were one of the few 'woo' commercials that actually had a sense of humor. My wife and I would watch for new ones to appear.
There is a medicalized version as I understand of the 'cock ring' that is like a soft elastic band
I'll miss Bob.
LOL @ 'Air Vitamins'!
Orac, you probably missed this since he posted in a dead thread, but a certain author, first name Paul, is offering you a review copy of his book:
http://scienceblogs.com/insolence/2008/05/the_mercury_militia_isnt_goin…
I hesitate to enter into this discussion, as I may lack the necessary perspective to properly appreciate the need for this product. That said, I did notice a few "unexplained" issues:
[1] Far Infrared. Where's it coming from? To be sure, the "Peloop" will emit in the far infrared, with a peak wavelength of 9.3 microns (at body temperature). However, the entire body of the "customer" is also radiating far infrared at the same wavelength, so I can't see the advantage. The "Peloop" has no power supply, so it can't radiate more energy than it absorbs (in fact, it will radiate slightly less).
[2] Negative Ions. I see this in a lot of woo-based product advertisements. Can anyone explain how something with no power source can separate a negative ion from the corresponding positive charge? For that matter, I see a lot about "negative ion generators" - how do they keep the negative ions from zipping back to the generator to recombine with the positive charge?
I'm always interested in expanding my knowledge base.
Prometheus
Wow. Next thing they'll be marketing tourmaline jewelry for genital piercings, so even the ladies can enjoy the 'benefit' of the "air vitamins."
Funniest thing I've read all week.
... or perhaps to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex--or at least able to get it on with them more effectively.
To be more accurate, wouldn't that be "preferred sex"?
But really now: Peloop?! You can't make that stuff up. You just can't.
I have some experience with this. First, the dilated dong is diamagnetic (it is repelled by a magnetic field). Therefore, the peloop can only work by a placebo effect. Said effect wears off rather quickly. My experience revolves around using NMR instruments (which employ strong magnets). At first, using them is exciting; eventually, boredom sets in. Even when I was excited to use the NMR, it never put a rise in my Levis. You are right to doubt this "therapy."
All that talk of widened vessels brings the old classic film Happiness to mind... "It's not the length that counts, Billy. It's the width."
BTW, have you ever considered ex-gay therapy woo? Extravagent claims, hazy science-y language, poorly designed studies increasingly relegated to pay-per-page journals or vanity publishings of books? It'd be perfect!
You know, I just can't get over the name. "Peloop." Who the hell came up with that?? It's probably meant to be some sort of contraction of penis + loop, but it sounds awful.
"Hey, Heather, I hear that after the party you went to Rodney's place. So ... how was it?"
"Well, not so good, if you know what I mean. It was all right at first, and then -- peloop!"
"Oh, yeah."
Penile size hysteria is at an all time high apparantly. I sometimes worry that those West African sorcerers are going to come after the Little General one day myself.
http://knudsensnews.blogspot.com/2008/05/new-study-shows-american-penis…
Hm. So, between Viagra, Cialis and Penis-size-woo, I guess you could say there's some Stiff competition in the male genetalia biz.
okay... bad pun.
However, I am glad to see the makers of Enzyte in legal difficulties. I'm getting tired of telling the credulous people I know that the stuff simply doesn't work.
I suppose if I were less ethical I might take up making homeopathic penis-size enhancing water.
Nah.
What an uncomfortable looking cockring. Really. Unless it's made of a less rigid plastic than it looks in the photo, there's going to be some chaffing involved.
And that closure! Bad spacing and not looking like "easy release".
usagi: And that closure! Bad spacing and not looking like "easy release".
Though it's gotta beat velcro in a pinch.
How much does this piece of crap cost? If the material is soft and elastic and costs less than $5.00 it could work just as a cockring without the magic. If it costs more than that anyone one wanting a similar effect should just check a gay leather store on-line for a myraid of better cockrings in an array of colors and materials.
off-topic - for your woo collection. ( could not find an e-mail address for this to send to)
http://www.emfblues.com
coincidentally today also had http://bobpark.physics.umd.edu/WN08/wn050208.html
( well not so coincidentally - I use google-mail and the woo was a google add )
Of course, half of the boner pills actually work. Such as the joy of slipping a little sildenafil into the mix.
Looks like the folks at Peloop are going to have some clinical studies to back up their claims. If you look at that second picture in Orac's post, you can see the research assistant taking a measurement. This same research assistant was also careful to make sure the Peloop ring was firmly in place before the experiment began.
I'll bet the preliminary results are quite encouraging. Not sure why the lab is on what looks like a beach, though.
I'm amazed at all the boners we make about boners,
Seriously, there is a patch at the base of the penis on the underside of the shaft that is especially sensitive even for the genitalia. Stimulate that with a bit of tickling and you're sure to get some sort of response. It shouldn't be hard to design and manufacture an expandable penis ring ridged to provide that stimulation. Ridge the outside of the ridge and your partner could benefit from it.
When I saw the pic, I was thinking "Wouldn't that produce the opposite effect if you got it too tight?" After all, horses and bulls are castrated by tying off the penis so it gets no blood and eventually falls off.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg, Orac, yer killin' me man!!!!!!!!!
This is f'ing hilarious............A BLOODY RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!lmfao!
What was your dna activation woo thing about? was it DNA reprogramming by chance? if not, then you can do that one next friday if you want..........here it is
I thought of you when I read this blather.......you being a top notch woo buster and all.........
Without further ado, I give you
Improving Autism: DNA Reprogramming for Autism by Dr. Ted Edwards
http://improvingautism.wordpress.com
if you've already done it, sorry.....
The Integral
Courtesy of Dr. Ted Edwards:
"I hope you're not asking for "scientific proof". Science still doesn't know what gravity is. The big bang is a best guess. Heck the entire periodic table is a best guess. Vaccinations are older the vinyl records and just as antiquated. They were the best technology we could come up with at the time. We're sending emails to each other over the wireless internet now. I guess vaccinations are more like mouse traps - they haven't changed much over time."
Zoo: yeah, I saw that.........that was part of his response to my question.......I have since posted another comment there........if he updates it, check it out.........crazy sh*t ain't it?
Orac:
I looked through your archives and found your Friday Woo post on Dr Ted Edwards......darn, and just as I was trying to boost my ego thinking "I found something great for the mighty woobuster!" alas, he's done it already
Just kidding........oh well, I honestly did think of you when I found that...........
Oh, wait! Actually, I'm gonna go read through it again but I'm not sure you mentioned how it relates to autism.........Dr Edwards thinks that this dna reprogramming treats autism too!
and on the topic of penile enhancers..........ever heard of Extenze?
The "jizzt" of it is basically the same as all the rest........sorry couldn't help myself.
The yellow thing in the picture appears to be a releasable cable tie. Note the hole in the underside to allow it to be mounted to a chassis or panel.
If I'm right, the "peloop" people are probably getting them in bulk for perhaps a nickel apiece. Just wrap some woo around it and you've got the best thing since someone figured out that you could buy bags of alligator clips for pennies a pop, stick a feather on them and sell them for a couple of bucks as roachclips.
I would imagine the Enzyte ads are still airing in some markets because the ad time was purchased months in advance.
GAC:
"When I saw the pic, I was thinking "Wouldn't that produce the opposite effect if you got it too tight?" After all, horses and bulls are castrated by tying off the penis so it gets no blood and eventually falls off."
Close, but wrong organ -- in castration, it is the testicles which are removed, not the penis. Steers and geldings still have penises, but as they were castrated in infancy, their equipment is immature.
"...and from that day on, my dong was longer, but I never could get a decent compass reading...."
"When blood flows through this magnetic field, the blood cells spin then separate from each other giving each cell more surface area to carry much more oxygen and vital nutrients to your penis. The magnetic field also widens your penis's blood vessels allowing more blood to flow through."
Doesn't it work the same way as those magnet thingies in a yellow plastic box, that you put around some pipe in your car's engine to make it run better? Well, of course, when I say "work"...
"The second benefit comes from Tourmaline and Germanium which emit negative ions (also known as "Air Vitamins") and Far Infra-Red Rays (also known as "Growth Rays")."
Known? To whom exactly? I can admit that infra-reds are useful to grow... plants. But perhaps not for more animal body parts.
"Omar Long, the inventor of the Peloop"
That's destiny in action! With such a name, the guy just had to get into that kind of business. Think about it: could he hope to sell anything if his name was Richard (or William) Short...
Christophe: you slay me! hahahahaha!
Props to the Peloop People and their Plastic Performance Prolonging Priapic Pole Placebo.
Orac, this has got to be the best one I've read yet. You should start your own wooniversity.
This is definitely the most glorified cock ring I've ever heard of. If they would market it as such they would probably do better, since at least they would have some verifiable claims to live up to.
Someone asked how a cock ring works, and here it is in layman's terms: AFTER the penis is already hard (read: engorged with blood), a cockring is placed snugly at the base of the shaft,restricting blood flow. This has two effects: one, it helps to maintain the erection for longer by keeping blood in the penis, and two, it sometimes causes the penis to become more engorged than usual, making it LOOK bigger, albeit temporarily. I believe this is because blood flowing through arteries (ie. into the penis) is pumped from the heart, whereas blood flowing through veins (out of the penis and back to the heart) is moved via valves in the vessle walls, with less force than through arteries.
Someone also mentioned the similarity to castration. Castration works by creating a tourniquet above the testicles. A tourniquet is so tight that blood flow is nearly, if not completely, stopped. No oxygen or nutrients can be delivered to the cells, and so the tissue shrivels up and dies. This is why tourniquets are now avoided in first aid unless absolutely necessary to stop bleeding. Since you can kill entire limbs with a tourniquet, not just the testicals, you could hypothetically kill the tissue in your penis as well. A cock ring is not meant to be as tight as that, but this is why you should not wear it for long periods of time. If worn for too long, it can cause damage both by limiting the amount of oxygen reaching the cells, and by increasing pressure in the penis.
Articles are always hard to search but here are some options.
http://www.eshariq.com