Every so often, real life intrudes on blogging, preventing the creation of fresh Insolence, at least Insolence of the quality that you've come to expect. This is one of those times. Besides getting into full R01 grant-writing swing, I went out to dinner last night with a visiting professor and didn't get home until too late for me to grind out one of those 2,000-4,000 word screeds you've come to know and a love. So enjoy this bit of Classic Insolence from back in November 2006 that, shockingly, as far as I can tell I've never "rerun" before. Remember, if you've been reading less than four years it's probably new to you, and, even if you have been reading more than four years, it's fun to see how posts like this have aged.
There are times when the struggle to keep cranking out Your Friday Dose of Woo every week starts to get to me. No, it's not because I don't enjoy putting together these little light-hearted but pointed analyses of some of the strangest woo that I've come across. Believe me, many times it's the highlight of my blogging week. It's just that, now that I've been doing this a while, no matter how hard I try to put something together the weekend before, so as to be ahead of the game, somehow I almost never quite manage to do it. Thus, all too frequently I end up writing away late Thursday night trying to write something, all the while thinking through a haze of caffeine and sugar: "Must do Friday woo," with visions of pissed-off readers storming the offices of Seed Media looking for me if I don't deliver. (OK, maybe I think too highly of myself and the value of my little weekly exercise.) Other times, I'm looking over my folder containing the URLs of potential YFDoW targets that I've collected for future use, and nothing quite gets me revved up. I know, I know, there's always Reiki therapy, which I haven't gotten to yet, and I will someday. It's just that Reiki therapy and woo like it will always be there for me, and I will have some fun with it someday. I just don't feel any urgency to take it on, just as I don't feel much urgency to take on homeopathy again for a while. (And forget about colon cleansing for a while; I think I beat that one to death.) That's what happened at the beginning of this week: A bit of woo confusion. Nothing was getting me fired up to do YFDoW.
And then, just as I was seriously thinking of just reposting something from the old blog, almost by accident, I discovered DNA activation. (I suppose if you can enhance your molecules, why not activate your DNA as well?) It's such highly concentrated, unbelievably potent woo that I hardly need to say much about it (but will anyway). Just reading selected portions of it is probably more entertaining than my usual lame attempts at humor, although, as always, nothing stops my lame attempts at humor.
What, you may ask, is "DNA activation"? Let international spiritual teacher, Soul Wisdom Psyche Doctor, distant healing specialist, co-founder of the Higher School for Conscious Evolution, and author of the Great Master (not to mention DNA practitioner) Toby Alexander explain why you should activate your DNA:
Most people know that DNA is the 'blueprint of life' and is located in every cell of the body. In addition to each chromosome's 2 strand double helix of DNA, there are an additional 10 etheric strands of DNA available to each human, which have been de-activated and dormant since the beginning of recorded history. Each additional strand possesses attributes that permit the individual to perform greater human accomplishments. Scientists acknowledge that we currently only use 3% of our current 2 strand DNA. Thus we live in a society where people are sick, unhappy, stressed out, create wars, have "difficulty experiencing love, and are totally disconnected with the universe. Most people have to meditate for many years just to have a so-called 'mystical' experience, that's how disconnected we are now. Imagine activating 100% of your 2 strand DNA, PLUS 10 additional strands! You will go from using 10% of your brain to becoming a multi-dimensional being with psychic, telepathic, and manifestation abilities beyond anything you've ever dreamed of. Plus, you will stop the aging process and actually start to rejuvenate to look and feel YOUNGER. This is the Original Divine Blueprint, what man USED to be. It has been written that Jesus had 12 strands of DNA activated. There have been children born throughout the history of humanity to raise the frequency of the planet that have more than 2 strands of DNA active - they are known as Indigo children. These are the incredibly intelligent, loving, and amazing children that are being mistakenly diagnosed as having A.D.D. because they are too smart to pay attention in class. Your DNA is your blueprint of life and is what controls every single function inside each of your cells. If you change your DNA, you really will change your life.
Holy woo, Batman! Each chromosome has 10 more additional strands of DNA in the realm of ether, just waiting to be "activated"? And the reason Jesus was divine was because He had all 12 of his DNA strands activated? Who knew? I mean, really, who knew? How on earth would anyone be able to know anything about Jesus' DNA, anyway, given that there is so little historical information about Him outside of the Gospels? It's not as though we have bone fragments or pieces of hair to test. Oh, well, tell us more, O Toby:
In actuality, the Human Genome is arranged into 12 dimensionalized mathematical programs, each of which set the blueprint for one double-helix chemical strand. Each double-helix strand blueprint is composed of 12 base-magnetic "female" base codes and 12 base-electrical "male" acceleration codes.
When the human genome is functioning naturally, the 12 base codes and 12 acceleration codes that hold the mathematical program for each double-helix strand combine to form a set of 12 electromagnetic Vector codes(1 base code + 1 acceleration code = 1 Vector code).
The 12 Vector Codes of the human genome manifest as 12 nucleotide base chemicals that form the nucleotide base pairs for which the double-helix DNA strands are composed.
Due to an unnatural sonic control program in Earth's grids, only 4 Vector Codes have been active in biological earth since 25,500 BC, making the chemical DNA of Earth life appear to be a "Base 4 Genetic Alphabet".
I stand in utter awe of the purity of this powerful woo. I haven't seen anything like it since I discussed quantum homeopathy, lo those many moons ago. In fact, speaking of quantum homeopathy, it's not at all surprising that Toby uses a dubious invocation of quantum theory to explain some of his "distant healing" techniques.)
Here's why you should activate your DNA:
The portions of the DNA chain that science has presently identified as the "Double Helix", represent only the SURFACE portions of the chemical, elemental, and electrical components of the active DNA strands. Science has yet to identify the MULTIDIMENSIONAL spectra of DNA manifestation, and has yet to realize that within the structures of detectable DNA, there are levels of structure and function that direct the operations of the entire genetic blueprint, which are not currently detectable by the contemporary scientific method.
The human DNA imprint will always appear from external analysis, as a 2 strand Double Helix configuration. But what is not understood, is that within the Double Helix there are, and will be progressively more, additional Double Helix strands, which fuse together and add their operational coding into the active DNA imprint. As science evolves into comprehension of the mult-dimensional spectrum, the understanding of the tree structure and function of DNA will progressively advance.
But one does not have to wait for science to catch up with a rapidly evolving humanity in order to begin advancing the functions of their DNA. Through the processes of Kathara Healing, we are removing ancient blockages within the human anatomy that have been blocking natural DNA activation, and then we are restoring the Original Organic Imprint for Health, that is the birthright of our species. We are progressively reordering portions of the "junk DNA" and stimulating portions of the DNA into activation.
Of course you don't have to wait for science. With these people, you never do. How did I know that, sooner or later, this particular flavor of woo would bring up "junk DNA"? "Junk DNA" may well be a misnomer, anyway. Just because 96% of the DNA in the human genome doesn't code for protein products does not make it "junk." It is more properly termed "noncoding DNA." And just because we do not yet understand its purpose does not mean that it doesn't do something and needs to be "reordered" or "activated." One interesting aspect of noncoding DNA is why it persisted. If all that DNA were truly "junk" and nonfunctional, it would be energetically quite wasteful to replicate it and devote all the mechanisms in the cell for fixing DNA damage to maintaining its sequence. Evolution tends to punish wastefulness, which would imply that either (1) much of junk DNA has function but we just don't understand it yet; (2) replicating it does not require enough energy to be strongly selected against; or (3) retrotransposons from human endogenous retroviruses add more "junk" DNA faster than evolutionary selection can eliminate it. What I can't figure out is: Why mention junk DNA at all if supposedly we have 10 more strands of "etheric" DNA for each of our chromosomes, all just waiting to be activated? Is there "junk DNA" in the etheric strands as well? Inquiring minds want to know!
But what happened to "deactivate" human DNA, so that only two physical strands are left, and the "etheric" strands are no longer functional? As you would expect, Toby has an answer for you:
If you study the ancient history of humankind, you will see how the early humans were not "primitive" like certain historians and governments would have you believe. They were actually much more advanced than we are now. They communicated telepathically and were basically gods. So as you can imagine, it would be pretty hard for you to control a person like this. Imagine if everyone at your work was telepathic. Don't you think that this would make your boss a bit uneasy? At one point in our history, some of the beings who called themselves "gods" could not maintain any secrets from their human "workforce", so they first decided to do a genetic manipulation which created the split brain. This separated the analytical part of a person's reasoning from their intuitive, emotional part and the problems associated from this can still be seen today. They then unplugged 10 of the 12 strands of DNA but left them there. Some of this is the chemical DNA that science calls "junk" DNA, the DNA that is just sitting there inside your cells, the other is the etheric DNA that exists in higher harmonics of frequency that you can't see with the naked eye. Once the 10 etheric strands of DNA were unplugged, humans that would come after this would have a terrible time deciphering thought. So these beings that called themselves gods then introduced language. Language separated tribes and peoples. Think of how much easier life would be if there was only one universal language! And so, humans started having to have verbal commands to understand and perform certain tasks and this is still very apparent to this day. Look at how the militaries of the world accomplish this with "orders". The next decision was to change the humans' DNA structure to suppress psychic abilities and make the unconscious mind almost unavailable. So the 10 DNA strands were unravelled and implants were placed in the etheric bodies to keep the strands from re-fusing. The strands were also disconnected from the endocrine system in the physical body which stopped the creation of a chemical which activates the pituitary, pineal, and hypothalamus glands. Thus, these glands have since shrunken from non-use, and scientists can't figure out what they are used for. This is why most people currently only use less than 10% of their brain. Only a few individuals retained the use of these glands in future generations - these individuals carried the special gene that makes them natural psychics, mystics, or shamans.
Ah, so that's what explains paranormal abilites! I wonder how many strands of Uri Geller's DNA are activated. Probably not twelve, like Jesus. After all, Jesus could do cool things like heal the sick, feed multitudes with only a few loaves and fishes, walk on water, and rise from the dead. All Uri Geller can do is bend some spoons "telepathically," and he has to cheat to do it. I'd be surprised if he had more than one additional DNA strand activated. Whatever the case, though, it's nice to know that all I have to do is to "activate my DNA," and I too can have powers beyond imagining:
Imagine if you woke up one morning and realized that you had dormant superhuman abilities that were waiting to be unleashed.
That once you activated these abilities, you could manifest anything you desired in your life, live a life without drama, create your ideal physical body, become immune to all dis-ease, and REVERSE the aging process.
Imagine if you realized that you could actually change your blueprint of life, your DNA, to enable you to expand your creative potential, provide access to your subconscious mind, and become intuitive, clairvoyant, and know instantly what your purpose is in life.
Reverse the aging process? Now that I'm on the wrong side of 40, I could really get into that. Just don't reverse it too far. My late 20's would be OK. Going back to my teen years wouldn't be; I was a real geek. But I digress. Fortunately (I think), there's more:
DNA activation removes the energetic blockages to you embodying your Higher self, Oversoul consciousness, Avatar self, and Rishi - the part of you closest to Source or God. So consciousness expansion is one of the main benefits and after the sessions, you will be more aware of everything, especially what your purpose is and why you incarnated here at this point in "time". You will start to become aware or see things that others cannot see - some of the hidden agendas going on and how to make decisions to help you and your family in the best way possible. Your dormant brain functions will start to become active, especially your pineal gland. This will help to start tapping into your 7 Higher Senses, and you will be able to use these on a daily basis with practice. Some of the physical benefits reported by clients include thicker hair growth, weight loss and stabilization of desired weight, increased energy, and rejuvenation of various muscles. You will start to see how your body is just a thoughtform as well, and you can change your body more easily with focus, so you won't have to work out as much. Emotionally, you will go beyond your personal dramas, the aggravation of everyday life. Your body will undergo a detoxification, which will bring old emotional issues to the surface to be released forever, to no longer cause dis-ease and poison the body.
Oh, no. Not detoxification again! Why is it always "detoxification"? It doesn't seem to matter if it's a colon cleanse, chelation therapy, or even now trying to activate your DNA and thus bring your mind to some sort of higher consciousness. It still comes down to a core altie concept that somehow you are "poisoned" and need to be detoxified:
Spontaneous healings can occur at the time of activations. These usually have to do with acute physical and emotional disorders. After the activations, there is a purification process that begins to detoxify the physical, emotional, and mental bodies. There have been many patients who have cured themselves of cancer and other serious diseases after having the DNA activations.
Of course. But suppose that you--yes, you!--want to get your DNA activated. How do you go about doing it? Toby makes it easy, of course. In fact, you don't even have to meet or speak with him, because he does it all via remote healing:
You and your DNA Practitioner, Toby Alexander, set your intent to receive this gift. There are specific pre-session instructions that must be done as well. The activations are all done remotely so it doesn't matter where in the world you live. There is no instrumentation that comes close to the human brain - it has the ability to connect to, interpret and read any frequency or energy signature. At the scheduled session time after performing the pre-session instructions, Toby Alexander will connect to your energy field and at this point your brainwave frequency will entrain to his, which will be 4-7 cycles per second, or Theta. We can also be connected via Sightspeed internet video conference or other means if desired although this is not necessary (the energy does not flow through the internet or a phone line) and you do not need a phone to establish an energetic connection with someone. An energy directing technique will be done to open up the seals that block DNA activation, and then infuse your bio-energetic field with 12th dimensional energy. Toby will work with your Higher self and Oversoul to activate as many strands as is possible for you at this point in your evolution.
Now, I want you to guess how much a distant healing session with Toby will set you back. What do you think? $10? $50? Before you answer, consider that a full DNA activation requires four steps: Auric Cleansing, a Karmic Session, the first DNA activation, and finally a second DNA activation. As Toby puts it, it takes two DNA Activations to activate "as many strands of DNA that your energy body can handle at this point in your evolution." (I don't know; I bet I can handle more strands of my DNA being activated, but that's just me.) Fortunately, for you, Toby charges the rock bottom, bargain basement price of only $100 per session.
How benevolent of him! Think of it, for a mere $400, you could have your DNA activated and achieve all the benefits and powers described above. What are you waiting for? Toby even includes a handy-dandy online scheduler to set up your very own distant healing session.
I bet you're wondering, though: Why should I choose Toby Alexander? Why not choose another DNA activator to do your distant healing? After all, this place offers a free test drive of having 5,000 strands of your DNA activated, while this site offers to help you claim your divinity with DNA soundscapes and offers a free no-risk introductory trial offer. Meanwhile, Marlana will offer you a session for only $39! So why choose Toby?
Oh, ye of little faith! Let Toby explain:
I was guided to do this work because I am an Indigo Type 1, with a 48 strand template. That means I can draw and hold much more frequency than most people that only have a 12 strand template, and then transmit this to others. It's called shaktipat if you understand yoga. It's basically the ability to awaken people by energy transmission, a siddhi. My technique is also a lot more comprehensive than other practitioners. What I discovered is that if a person has a lot of energetic blockages (and most people do), a DNA Activation won't be as effective. There are certain blockages that everyone has that prevent DNA from naturally activating the way that it used to. So you have to look at this as a process. I always require that someone considering this have an Auric Clearing and a Karmic Session FIRST. Once you are free from these blockages, THEN we can activate your DNA. Other practitioners ignore these blockages and then their clients who are unsatisfied with their results come to me and we have to start all over with the Auric Clearing. Another thing that I recognize that other practitioners aren't aware of is that there is DNA for practically EVERYTHING, not just youth and anti-aging.
Isn't all of that worth a little extra money? Heck, if you're in the Sedona, AZ area, you could even attend one of Toby's one day intensive session Reawakening the Inner Soul Mate on November 10 or The Angelic Human Experience on November 11!
Now, I bet you're a bit skeptical. It all sounds too good to be true, doesn't it? And this technique is not without its detractors. Indeed, one particularly vociferous detractor labels it as "dangerous":
Many different healing techniques are being promoted which will supposedly restore your DNA back to a twelve-stranded form, allowing you to attain full spiritual power, and thereby awakening all your dormant upper chakras.
I don't claim to know for sure if such a thing is possible. Maybe it is.
But I DO know that forcing ANY process in your energy body, such as this DNA activation stuff, is dangerous...
Everybody I've know who has received these techniques or begun practicing them on others is possessed, to either a smaller or greater degree. They aren't the people they used to be prior to embracing these practices. I can see the entities attached to them, and believe me, none of them have humanity's best interests at heart. The people working with these energies convey a weird, manic, forceful energy that is very uncomfortable to be around. And some of them are downright dangerous with what they are doing. They need to come with a serious warning label.
Personally, the only "danger" I can see from DNA activation is a profound danger to your bank account if you pursue it seriously. A serious depletion of my bank account spent on woo like this might well result in my developing a "weird, manic, forceful energy" looking to get my money back. But Lipstick Mystic disagrees:
My honey was nearly KILLED by one such practitioner who was fooling around with his upper chakras and, unbeknownst to him, was trying to pull that hyper DNA activation bullshit without his permission.
Thank goodness I'd been taught enough advanced techniques by my angelic helpers at that point that I could counteract what was happening.
You have been warned.
But think about it: Aren't total enlightenment, the reversal of aging, the boosting of the immune system, and the curing of disease worth a little risk?
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Priceless!!! The funny thing is (or not so funny... maybe it's sad) that most of us know people who believe this kind of stuff. I myself, had a long argument with a healer from Canada, who claimed his frequency machine can repair "little cell tails" (when probed a bit deeper, he acknowledged that you could call them telomeres) and cure your cancer in stage one (before our traditional, constrained medicine can even detect it). All kinds of crazy with poeople like that.
We have to keep up the fight...
Wait, isn't this the back story for the X-Men?
OMG, I haven't had my DNA activated yet! Am I a zombie?
At first I didn't get why this fool only uses 10% of his brain.. Then I noticed his entire diencephalon is rendered functionless, as he himself states.
Given his condition it's quite remarkable this guy is still alive!
This has to be rare, a woo (Lipstick Mystic) calling another woo's woo dangerous. A Woo rarely expresses disagreement with another woo even when their woos are contradictory.
Activated? Haven't laughed so much for ages.
Laughter is without doubt the best medicine. Probably because it activates a few etheric wotsits.
This stuff is something along the lines of 'Dungeons & Dragons' meets Marvel Comics. Whew.
Holy cow! I am surprised such high density of woo hasn't collapsed into one massive black hole of stupid!
Please tell me this is the worst one you have come across.
It almost seems like controversy manufactured to generate interest, like those weight loss ads that say "this product is ONLY for those who want to lose a SERIOUS amount of weight". How many people did that ever scare off? Instead it makes people think that it must be REALLY powerful and not just another bogus product/service.
It always baffles me that there are people who are completely taken by the sort of blatant psychological manipulation which seems so obvious to me. I guess my childhood subscription to Zillions (formerly Consumer Reports for Kids) caused me to be cynical about advertising from an early age. Also, not being an idiot.
It's up there, but I'm not sure it's the worst.
"only 4 Vector Codes have been active in biological earth since 25,500 BC"
well, to his credit, he doesn't seem to be a young earth creationist.
OH MAH FSM DO THEY NOT KNOW BASIC BIOLOGY
Also, that quote about someone 'dicking around with someone's upper chakras' while calling DNA 'activation' bullshit is the most hilarious, unintentionally self-contradictory quote I've seen all day.
Maybe we need a +4 Helm of Woo Protection to avoid having our brains burned out while reading it. ;-)
He sounds like Shirley MacLaine!!! ( FYI: my SO's BF is rather mystically-inclined and occasionally presents us with "enlightening" tomes which I read for sport ). Both Toby and Shirley manage ( and it *is* quite a feat) to interweave contrasting strands of fantastic global esoterica with poorly-comprehended, reality based, sciencey-sounding material- I'm probably not enough of a "sensitive" to detect the etheric, invisible strands of arcane wisdom undeniably present. Mikerattlesnake, my own speculation is that while woo sales spiels are dependent upon the mark's lack of knowledge of biology/chemistry/medicine, the psychic/reincarnation/aura-karma spiel is sold to those without a good understanding of the psychological (emotions, cognition, interpersonal relations).
Is it just me that's puzzled as to why he puts "time" in scare-quotes like that?
This seems to be implying that the recording of history caused the deactivation of etheric DNA. Those darn scribes have a lot to answer for, eh?
My guess is he believes all time to be an illusion - lunchtime doubly so. So the quotes mean "time, if you're still so primitive you believe in that sort of thing".
Alternatively someone said, "OMG, our etheric DNA just got deactivated. Shouldn't someone start writing this stuff down?"
Perhaps it got deactivated by an etheric beam? He needs to have etheric beam locators installed on his chest. The Daleks could help out with that.
(Go to 9:20 for the joke.)
This one was just fantastic, Orac. I thought I'd gotten the best laugh of my day, but then Mephistopheles topped it off with:
"he believes all time to be an illusion - lunchtime doubly so"
Very deep, Meph, you should send that in to the Reader's Digest.
For some reason I am reminded that in German, "Gift" means "poison".
@Fuzzzone - I must give credit where it's due to Douglas Adams.
I just remotely deactivated his remote DNA activation ability. Oh boy is he going to be pissed tomorrow when he realizes he has no powers!
PsyberDave wins the thread.
I'm actually quite scared. Are there really enough people walking around with untreated delusions or taking LSD with every meal that these guys can earn a living? Having actually been ill enough to have had delusional episodes, I get really, really, personally angry that there are predators scummy enough to play on vulnerable people like that.
Wasn't Jenny McCarthy's son an Indigo child as well? Is he going to grow up to activate DNA too? Has to be a career improvement over that of his parents (or at least his mom), and demonstrates considerably more creativity.
Wonder Twins DNA, activate!
Wow. Written up right, this would make a sci-fi bestseller...
'Cept that connoisseurs of sci-fi generally require at least a modicum of plausibility in their work. So maybe not.
She claimed to be an Indigo, and her son was a "Crystal". Maybe if someone would deactivate her DNA, she'd shut up.
Yay! I win the thread.
Just for that Kathryn, I will send you +1 DNA strand. A few more, and you'll have just as much DNA as Jesus!!!1!
Actually, only the Reptilians that have the extra 10 DNA strands.
All hail our mighty Lizard overlords.
Calli @ 13:
Obviously, more people need that as they have been failing the rather low-DC Will saves against the mind-affecting woo spells.
"At one point in our history, some of the beings who called themselves "gods" ... unplugged 10 of the 12 strands of DNA but left them there." Â If you activated your ten extra strands, mightn't those "gods" be unhappy with you? Â If they could mess up an entire species for tens of thousands of years, it seems to me that it might be unwise to attract their attention to yourself.
I'm also trying to work out how they devised and implemented this attack on the human species, given that they "could not maintain any secrets from their human 'workforce'".Â
I'll see your DNA activator and raise you a woo-meter!
Q: What do Toby Alexander and his theories on DNA and improving the functioning of the the pituitary, pineal, and hypothalamus glands through detoxification and shaktipat (patting the top of a person's head) gain someone who undergoes the process?
A: A load of dung and a walletectomy
I wonder if this guy believes in the luminiferous ether hypothesis of light... Maybe that's the ether he's referring to.
In any event... that was able to get me laughing at Oh God Early as I prepare to go invigilate a test for the first year science students at my university, after a week of 5 hours of sleep or less a night (ahhh, grad school). So props for that.
Thanks SO much for this! I have a friend who keeps frothing about this thing called "The Template" and I told him to be very wary of anything claiming to "activate your DNA" (I used to live in California and came across this meaningless phrase often) and asked him what did it MEAN. Of course he didn't know and so I decided to see what people who claimed to be doing it were saying about it. What a load of Hogwash! I can tell you are part of what I term the Campaign for Clear Thinking - perhaps you might enjoy my essay: Bullshit!- Diana Trimble, cultural detective
Indigo child -- Isn't that what you get with excessive colloidal silver consumption during pregnancy.
I have noticed that this website has deleted all of my comments that don't agree with the author's opinion. You sure can dish it out but you can't take it. This comment will self destruct in 3 days.
Mr. (you are not) Harrison Ford, what are you talking about? Are you sure you posted on this several months old thread?
um...theta rhythms? increases in theta rhythms have been shown to occur during hallucinations in schizophrenics. maybe schizophrenics just have more strands of activated DNA.