Your Friday Dose of Woo: The Emperor of the Woo-niverse

i-e7a12c3d2598161273c9ed31d61fe694-ClassicInsolence.jpgDue to my activities at the Society of Surgical Oncology meeting in San Antonio, somehow I didn't manage to crank out a bit of that Insolence, Respectful or Not-So-Respectful, that you all crave. So, given that this is Friday, I thought I'd to a "rerun" of a bit of classic woo. This one's a little newer than the reruns I usually do, only a little less than two years old. So, if you've been reading less than two years, it's new to you! Maybe I'll even post another one later.

Ever since I started this little vanity bit known as Your Friday Dose of Woo, lo, these nearly three years ago, when I introduced the waiting blogosphere to the woo-tastic quantum homeopathic stylings of Lionel Milgrom, I've occasionally wondered if I had started out with too much woo. I mean, Milgrom is a really hard act to follow, so densely does he blend together the most amazing hard core homeopathic woo combined with quantum pseudoscientific posturings that put Deepak Chopra to shame, all tied together with the most awesomely dense, yet ultimately meaningless, equations that look like something they put on that blackboard in The Day The Earth Stood Still (the original, not the lame Keanu Reeves remake), only less comprehensible. I was concerned that I had, if you'll excuse the vulgarity, shot my wad, metaphorically speaking, leaving nothing for the future.

In retrospect, I needn't have worried. Many were the candidates for Your Friday Dose of Woo that gave Milgrom a run for his quantum homeopathic money. (Homeopathic money? does that mean someone took a tiny shaving of money and serially succussed it to a 30C dilution?) And, even now, although it's admittedly less common than it once was, I still occasionally find a bit of woo that truly knocks my socks off, a woo that brings back that first rush of realization of the joy of woo that I felt the first time I laid eyes upon one of Milgrom's quantum homeopathic equations and "quantum coupling" between homeopathic practitioner, patient, and remedy.

This is one such bit of woo. Meet Dr. Fred Bell. I even feel a bit of a connection with Dr. Bell, too. Not only was he born in southeast Michigan, but he went to the University of Michigan, my alma mater. Let's meet him briefly before we launch into his most delightfully woo-ful site:

Because of his strange heritage young Dr. Fred Bell was propelled into science at a very early age. And at age 14, he was not only working at the University of Michigan on nuclear energy projects, but was also inducted into the U.S. government's project called M. K. Ultra. This early mind control research covered such topics as past life regression, and the popular remote viewing used today by the CIA and other intelligence gathering factions worldwide. While working University of Michigan Dr. Bell had the priviledge of working under the mentorship of Dr. Katz. Dr. Katz came over here, as an honored scientist, previously working for the 3rd Reich under Adolph Hitler. Wernher von Braun and Dr. Katz both were transferred here by the American government under an operation known as Operation Paperclip. While working for Dr. Katz in the Randolph Laboratory at the University of Michigan, Dr. Bell worked on a magnetic disintegration project later known as the Philadelphia Experiment, a high temperature fusion experiment, a bubble project later known as Cold Fusion, shockwave experimentation that led to the classification of high altitude nuclear blasts, underground nuclear blasts, nuclear explosions over water and nuclear explosions at ground level. In addition, Dr. Bell worked with the University of Michigan's Cyclotron doing experimentation with the bombardment of nuclear particles and their collisions involving reverse time as observed in a Wilson Cloud Chamber. As a result of this, Dr. Bell built the World's first time machine called the T-1 Time Travel Transposer that allows time travel into the future in increments of microseconds.

I. Am. In. Awe. Of. This. Man's. Woo.

If we are to believe this, Dr. Bell did all of this before he turned 17, because at the age of 16:

At 16 years of age he was interned at the United States Army Biological Weapons Division in Little Rock, Arkansas. On his 17th birthday, he was transferred into the United States Airforce. There he began working on highly classified projects, several involving early warning radar defense systems and the detection and tracking of extraterrestrial craft.

Now we're talkin'! It's not enough for him to have done cold fusion, nuclear blasts, and time travel, but Dr. Bell just had to be into extraterrestrials (more on that later). After stints in the military and private industry doing all the woo that he does so well, what's Dr. Bell doing now? You should be able to guess:

Today Dr. Bell is a practicing naturopath, scientist and environmentalist, and political activist, and has been currently working worldwide with programs that include a proper conduct of school systems, autistic children, and other problems that develop and effect the growth factor of our young up-and-coming society. He spent 20 years with a National Health Federation, a U.S. based group that has promoted an individuals freedom, to choose the type of health-care, freedom to choose the various vitamins and minerals and dietary elements that best works for them.

Of course he has. Oh, and he's a homeopath as well. Indeed, Dr. Bell is truly a Renaissance man of woo, a veritable Leonardo da Vinci! No woo is beyond him; he has mastered them all. Indeed, he's like Tom Bombadil (for you Lord of the Rings fans), as Goldberry describes him:

The trees and the grasses and all things growing or living in the land belong each to themselves. Tom Bombadil is the Master. No one has ever caught old Tom walking in the forest, wading in the water, leaping on the hill-tops under light and shadow. He has no fear. Tom Bombadil is master.

That's Dr. Bell. The Master of All Woo. But where, you ask? Where did he learn to be such a Woo Master Supreme? He may have been born with natural talent, but that is not enough. He needed someone to mold it, to train him, to forge his talent to a razor sharp edge that allows him to cut through all rationality and science in order to bring pseudoscience to the masses. So where did he go? Being a huge fan of both Fantastic Four and Doctor Strange, I totally love where Dr. Bell went train in the Art of Woo. Like both Dr. Strange and Doctor Doom, he went to the Himalayas. Like Doctor Doom, he became an acolyte of Himalayan Masters (sadly, as far as I can tell, there was no Ancient One to train him):

He then left the defense sector and began studying with Himalayan Masters. During this time he became internationally known as a contactee to a Pleiadean group of extraterrestrial humanoids whom were here to help the people on earth save themselves from their own destructive tendencies. This group comes from a star system 500 light-years from earth.

The Pleiadeans are here to save us from our own destructive tendencies? How nice of them. I have to wonder what's in it for them. I mean, why on earth would aliens come here from 500 light years away, using technology far beyond ours and likely investing huge amounts of time and effort, all in order to "save us" from ourselves. Could the Pleiadeans be aliens like the Kanamits from that famous Twilight Zone episode To Serve Man, who appear benign in that they provided cures for cancer and other diseases, as well as technology to produce nearly unlimited supplies of food, but in reality have a much darker use for humans. Perhaps Dr. Bell is their human servant, trying to trick people into trusting them.

But I digress.

What I really want to get to is Dr. Bell's "inventions." He lays claim to a lot of them, but a couple of them. Let's see. First we have the Electronic Healing device:

The BioPhoton/OEM - Ozonic Electro-Magnetic Technology is used for lymphatic stimulation and drainage. It utilizes light, sound, electromagnetics, ozone and radio-wave frequencies to assist the body in dissolving blockages and stagnant energy in the body's fluids and tissue, while increasing oxygen at the cellular level.

Wow. I tip my hat to Dr. Bell. There are at least three major types of woo, all combined into one device! You have your ozone woo, our electronic woo, and your "biophoton" woo. Remember the Advanced Bio-Photon Analyzer? This device looks a bit like a steampunk version of that, and I'm sure it probably works like a steampunk version too. Actually, I consider the whole retro thing a plus. At least the thing looks kind of cool Not $2,995 worth of cool though. Cool bucks if you can get it.

Or perhaps you'd like some pyramid power:

We all understand that pyramids are something special. We see pyramids many times as a shape that is integrated in architectural designs. And yet, what purpose do they have? How can we use them? When we make pyramids for applications for the human body, we use alternate layers of gold, copper and silver, which are "active" metals, within layers of nickel, which is "passive" in nature. This speeds up the Bio-Plasmic Life Force that is the essence of pyramid power. A form of aura photography exists today that shows us directly how our life forces, our "Bio-Plasmic energies" are progressing. In the mid-seventies Bell discovered when exposing the human body to a pyramid that it would increase our energy level and vitality. Why is this? Pyramids block the effect of negative energies and radio frequencies.

And who doesn't want negative energies blocked? Not me, that's for sure. On the other hand, given the level of sarcasm I routinely exhibit, woo believers believe that I'm full of negative energy that needs to be purged. Perhaps I should get me hence to a pyramid! But, then, why on earth would I endanger the secret of my blogging success that way?

But my favorite woo product from the fevered mind of Dr. Bell just has to be the Amazing Andromedan Holographic Projector. It's a really long article (almost Orac-ian in length) that describes the "principles" behind this Pyradyne Holographic Projector. However, I can't resist just a little excerpt. First , we have the purpose of this device:

This is because the world is changing quickly and good, helpful science must overcome the destructive technologies that are being projected to seize the consciousness of the world and thereby assume Fascist control. One that we will discuss is a two-part Holographic Projector System and how it will allow you to not only drastically change your life, but also the entire world stage. This device has long been needed, as it allows you to see deep within the universe and its mechanisms. The other is a highly modified Power Dome Silver, called the Chrysilladome. The Chrysilladome is a lightweight orgone plated super pyramid with an outer layer of natural pure diamond crystals. When worn on the head accelerates the brain into quantum entanglement focusing mode.

Damn, I really want to experience what would happen if my brain were acceleratedinto quantum entanglement focusing mode. I've changed my mind. The Chrysilladome is my favorite device:


Well, that certainly looks like it can do what Dr. Bell says it can do. But back to the holographic projector:

When using the Projector to change the focus of the hologram, say for example, the greedy influence to a healing influence, the Projectors quantum energy generates an interference pattern in the image of the Operators projected image. That image casts a shadow on the existing image and the power of consciousness moves the reality illusion experienced by the masses. Although this is not an intended purpose, I get calls about winning at gambling tables. Usually the individual is in a personal gratification mode, which is fine, but in the gambling mode there is a high astral presence. Greed runs strong on the lower astral planes, thereby clouding the gamblers intent. This presents an interference pattern on the entanglement pairing, thus demanding a measurement of the location of one of the pairing quantum particles. Therefore there will be no demonstrable result. This is a trap and needs to be taken into consideration. The same goes for healing. Visualize the person to be helped, clearly, as visualizing is an optical (photonic) event and the second part, seeing that person well, (quanta-energizing) sends balancing cell directing entangled electron pairs into that persons DNA.

Could it be that Dr. Bell has found the "healing energy" that reiki masters claim to be able to harness? Or maybe he's proven the existence of the "life energy" (qi) whose blocked flow is blamed by so many practitioners of traditional Chinese medicine and other practitioners of woo. Maybe, just maybe, Dr. Bell has blown our fragile eggshell minds by tapping into other dimensions, bringing the healing energy here to cure cancer, heard disease, and even the heartbreak of psoriasis.


What he has done is to demonstrate to me that he's a worthy competitor to Lionel Milgrom and the DNA activation guy. I bow to Dr. Bell as the Emperor (for now) of the Woo-niverse. Not convinced? Then just check out the sheer scope of the woo he is into. It's all there: chemtrails, secret underground cities, pyramid power, the holographic projector. In fact, it's what the holographic projector really does:

This program features one of Dr. Bell's newest inventions: The Andromedan Holographic Projector. It allows the operator to manipulate space and time conditions.

This fascinating device is a wave machine that employs deep space penetrating design patterns and works with the hologram of reality.

The Projector opens a doorway into the holographic structure of the universe.

This creates a merging scalar field that shifts the consciousness of the hydrogen atom within the cell, into an alternate space-time reality.The Projector cuts of the counterintention and transmutes negative energies.

It literally removes negative energies before they were created. This means once you get in tune with the Projector it will help you achieve any goal! It gets direct results. Plus it...

  • Increases your aibility to express and feel consciousness
  • De-spirals the DNA into the fourth dimension
  • Makes the body become invisible to these rapidly deteriorating environmental conditions

The DNA de-spiraling process of the Projector, makes the body more etheric, moving consciousness comfortably into this new environment. This produces another process, allowing the body to live in a physical environment for extended periods of time without any visible evidence of physical aging

Invisibility? Hell, yes! Sign me up. It would be like the invisibility cloak in Harry Potter, only better.

And, to cement his status, Dr. Bell charges for access to every bit of this spectacularly entertaining woo--and the documentation! What more proof do you know that this is the Emperor of All Woo?


More like this

I also just invented a device that transports me microseconds into the future. It's called sitting on my ass doing nothing.
Woot just went a few hundred right now.

Are we sure we know all the offspring of L Ron H? Perhaps Orac could update our education on confabulation syndromes and impure ethanol.

Are we sure we know all the offspring of L Ron H? Perhaps Orac could update our education on confabulation syndromes and impure ethanol.

Literary footnote: the Twilight Zone episode "To Serve Man" was adapted from a Damon Knight story, same title.

fragile eggshell minds

Nice Doors reference.

How can anyone believe that clown's autobiography. Anyone trying that as a poe would be viewed as being way over the top.

By Militant Agnostic (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

His biography proves the conspiracy, the University of Michigan successfully eliminated all traces of the Randolph Laboratories and the German Dr. Katz.
They do have a Randolph Hall, and they did have a Dr. Katz, but his biography was whitewashed to show all American ancestry and education. How far will the suppression of the truth go?
And that Dr. Bell managed to convert Reich's orgone into a physical coating material is amazing, who thought qi could be used as a paint.

I'm disappointed in this guy biography. Nowhere does it mention that he pleasures at least ten supermodels nightly. For a man who's done everything, this seems like a glaring omission...

The unholy union of woo and physics has given our esteemed host many opportunities to amuse and enchant us: it is the shimmery, moondusty stuff of 1950's/1960's low-tech scifi movies ( and who doesn't love them?) all rolled up into commercial products and services.

In the 1950's, a young American physicist worked on top secret projects for the government ( and they're *exactly* the projects that you suspect they are!). He marries a young woman whose father is a natural health enthusiast and publisher. The older gentleman provides the couple with land and money to start up their own company.

Consider the possibilities! Quantum woo! Tesla energy healing! Invoke the name of Feynman! Let your imagination run wild!

They make lighting for home and office. Creative, decorative, hi-tech lighting. They really do**. As much as I'd adore writing fiction, reality always seems to be much more distinctly my cup of tea.

** one of my myriad cousins works for them.

By Denice Walter (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

"Hello, my name is Dr. Fred Bell, and I'm a member of Pathological Liars Anonymous. In fact... I'm the president of the organization! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

Wow - so much woo confined to a single individual. He really didn't leave anything out did he?

Homeopathic money? does that mean someone took a tiny shaving of money and serially succussed it to a 30C dilution?

There is a German comedian, Hirschhausen, who defined it roughly along these lines

"And when your homeopath presents you a bill over 100 euro, give him 2 cent and tell him this is all the information that his purse needs."

The amazing Dr Fred Bell has a broadcast on the aptly named BBS Radio. What does the first B stand for, Bountiful? Big? Bodacious?

I particular liked this

Ten years ago Dr. Bell wanted to add a CE-71 back into his motorcycle collection and found out there were none available. The only ones he could find were either owned by the Honda Corporation or in private museum collections. Dr. Bell had only one alternative left to obtain a CE-71, so he put his andromedan holographic projector to the ultimate test. Within 45 days, not only did he have a CE-71 in his possession, but he had serial #2, one of the rarest of the model line.

I am willing to bet that it was probably the only one made with that serial #.

I sometimes wonder if these woomeister's get some sort of emotional reward out of seeing how outrageously they can bullshit and still get the marks to believe. Sort of the way some criminals get a thrill out almost getting caught. Or maybe they have a secret competition for the most outrageous bullshit.

By Militant Agnostic (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

The Pleiadeans are here to save us from our own destructive tendencies? How nice of them. I have to wonder what's in it for them. I mean, why on earth would aliens come here from 500 light years away, using technology far beyond ours and likely investing huge amounts of time and effort, all in order to "save us" from ourselves.

I, for one, welcome our new Pleiadean overlords.

This rings as unbelievable as L. Ron Hubbard's extensive military and world adventuring career, as fabricated by the Church of Scientology. Birds of a wooful feather.

The Bell Clan, is a border clan, and as such was for centuries, preying on the weak on either side of the border. So it comes natural, to take from the weak (minded).

By Eric Blood Axe (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

Wow, what a stellar start to the weekend (see what I did there?)
I agree with others above in that it has a Hubbardesque ring to it. Yet this guy takes it to 11. Still not sure if he beats my favourite crank.

The "how could you loose" at the end of the rant was a particularly funny finish.

@ Composer 99: Be careful, you wouldn't want to switch overlords in midstream. Tricky. I'm sticking with Draconis: it's often said, "Better the monster you *know*..." Once you've gotten familiar with alien peculiarities, you can plan accordingly and use them to your best advantage: e.g. never ask for anything big** during *certain* times of year, if you catch my drift. Learn to differentiate which of your gestures( e.g. seductive glances) make you look appealing and loyal from those which make you look, er, " really tasty".

** like fine art.

** fine art,

Disregard second** @ mine 17.

The Pleiadeans are here to save us from our own destructive tendencies? How nice of them. I have to wonder what's in it for them. I mean, why on earth would aliens come here from 500 light years away, using technology far beyond ours and likely investing huge amounts of time and effort, all in order to "save us" from ourselves.

Given the assumption that space aliens with faster-than-light travel exist, I'd find it entirely believable that they might be altruistic enough to do something like that. What I find unbelievable is that they'd decide that the best way to help was to contact a handful of random humans and have them be their Earthly representatives. I mean, at first they might try that, because of their culture and/or hard-wired psychology, but after a while they'd have to figure out it just wasn't working and try something else.

By Matthew Cline (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

What I find unbelievable is that they'd decide that the best way to help was to contact a handful of random humans and have them be their Earthly representatives.

Especially since the aliens always seem to pick bullshitters and con artists. You would think they might pick someone a little more credible. Of course it may be part of of a sinister plan, providing them with an excuse for harsh action on the basis that they tried to warn us. Like DW I will stick with the overlord I know rather than the one I don't know, especially when the latter claims to only be here to help us. Lord Draconis (may his crest stand tall) might be evil, but at least he is honest about being evil.

By Militant Agnostic (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

@ Militant Agnostic : He may be evil but he gives the b#tching-est, rad cocktail parties! See you Saturday 8-ish. On "UltraShill's"** new yacht. Wear something festive.

** You-know-who.

@sharon : Thanks for sharing - this is rolling-around-on-the floor funny stuff. I mean lemondade, PEN TOPS?!? I don't think we're in Kansas any more, Toto..
Reminds me of the old 'I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll look into it for you..." :-) Creepy and very, very wrong - ORAC, you've gotta check this guy out!

Shills and Minions:
I must be brief since I am tying to text with claws on a touch screen. Let it b noted that I feel an almost endothemic warmth at your loyal and somwhat fear-based platitudes. DW, your seductive glances are the highlights of our meetings (and good work on your chemtrail additives, most effective according to our first tests). Misanthropic one, yours are somewhat less effective though highly comical in an awkward sort of way. Now I must unpack from my trip to Marcab VII. Carry on with your evil selves.

Lord D. 0100001000010 mobilcom XVL

By GlaxoPharmaWhatever (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

The Pleiadians are notorious tightwads with their dreary little cattle mutilation concern. I should rethink switching my allegiance if I were you. I picked up a marvelous new recipe for filet minon on Marcab VII. Care to come up for dinner?

By GlaxoPharmaMobileVI (not verified) on 04 Mar 2011 #permalink

Check out the sleeping pyramids for sale on his site...available to cover all mattress sizes.

The Portamid sleeping pyramid is described in glowing terms of balance of your endocrine glands, blah, blah.

I guess he will be marketing crystal chamber pots next... to go along with his Porta-Potty.

Orac, the Chrysilladome picture you provided looks just the Vegimid and the head dome pictures on his website. They also look like the collapsible (made in China) "bug" umbrellas, purchased in a camping store for $ 3 for when I am meditating on my deck noshing on cheeses and antipasti and sloshing down vodka-tonics.

Didn't Dr. Bell work at Massive Dynamic with Walter Bishop and Patrick Flanagan? Or maybe I'm confused.

Dr. Bell neglected to mention that he was also the original inspiration for Sherlock Holmes.

"Check out the sleeping pyramids" -- my initial reading of this was that the pyramids themselves were sleeping. I wondered if they would wake when Cthulhu did.

"...a veritable Leonardo da Wooci!"