Laelaps movie of the week: The Loch Ness Horror

A monster in Loch Ness, crazy old Scots, and Nazis; what else could you want? Well, a coherent movie, of course, but The Loch Ness Horror is so full of rolled "r"s and movie cheese that fun all the same. The movie starts off with Nessie spotting some Nazi activity over the lake, the information she anonymously leaked helping Allied forces during the closing days of the war. The fact that the monster breathes air and constantly is sculling about on the surface while still being referred to as an elusive legend must mean that she was under some sort of government witness protection program. All is well for a number of years, but in 1981 some divers employed by a crotchety scientist (who feels that today's young 'uns are too preoccupied with reproduction rather than science) steal one of the monster eggs and Nessie isn't happy about this at all. One by one she takes her revenge, loping around through the forest and gently mouthing her enemies to death, but she does take some time out to take revenge on some horny teens when they kill a crazy old man that lives in a castle with his weapons collection in self-defense.

Our "hero" in this story is the irascible young scientist Spencer Dean, who thinks the best way to win a Scottish girl's heart is to say "Top of the mornin' to ye" and shove a chum-covered hand in her face. Mind you, this particular girl is a bit sheltered and wears her belt at bra-height, and together the two make for one of the most uncomfortable romantic pairings I think I have ever seen. There are some crackpot scientists thrown in as well, but despite the fact that Nessie is at least partially out of the water for most of the movie, it's a wonder that nobody seems able to find her (unless they're being eaten, of course). The monster plot must have seemed a little thin to the producers so they got the RAF involved in the last act of the film, I guess because someone needed to be called in to blow something up. In the end, the egg gets dropped back into the loch and everything is set right again, but thankfully the egg did not hatch a sequel.

I call a do-over!: The Loch Ness Terror

Most inaccurate scientific statement in the film: Otters can absorb oxygen from water when submerged.