We Are Being Overrun by Radical Homosexual Pirates. Or Something.

For those who don't know much about the great Commonwealth of Virginia, Loudoun County is not only the wealthiest county in Virginia, but it has the highest median income in the U.S. ($107,207). These are not stereotypical 'rubes.' Yet Loudoun County has a very serious problem according to Loudoun County Board of Supervisors member Eugene Delgaudio:

When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.

There are even countless stories of any number of immoral sex act being performed by open homosexuals - some even in broad daylight during the event.

Pro-family citizens and churches in Tampa are horrified and unfortunately VASTLY outnumbered and overwhelmed by the popularity of the event.

One mother complained her three year old had witnessed a man performing oral sex on a Jack Sparrow look alike in her front yard.

As long as the Radical Homosexuals run free in our streets, they will continue to spread their debauchery and corrupt our culture.

Delgaudio also seems very concerned about thousands of men in brightly colored bikinis. Very concerned (BUT HE'S NOT GAY DAMMIT!!!).

If you really want to understand the Republican base, you have to look at the local and state levels. Not only are these elected figures less ready for prime time--and thus less skilled at lying about what they really think--most of the people who show up and vote in local elections are the parties' bases. Most devoted Republicans seem to be fine with supporting a lunatic who spends far too much time worrying about gay men...for a straight man (BUT HE'S NOT GAY DAMMIT!!!).

This is the conspiracy-addled, fundamentalism-laced world many Republicans live in. And those who don't live in that nightmare world seem perfectly fine with allying themselves with people who are out of their fucking minds (I hear saner stuff from crazy people on the subway).

Welcome to the Republican id.

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That's why we have to tax the rich: To keep them from becoming gay pirates. ;)

We've tried. Trust me, we've *really* tried to get rid of him. We can't. He's just too financially entrenched by playing the "slow growth" card to the constituents (wanting les traffic) while giving away 50,000 house projects to developers to rake in the profits from (and doing so with tax breaks that pretty much negate what we'd get by the added property revenue).

At the very least, he's almost the last of the nutcases around here. 3 other homophobes running for local offices have lost, either in the primaries or the generals, in the last few elections.

Loudoun is a lot like Cobb County in Georgia. It used to be rural. The proximity to a big high-tech city (Cobb -> Atlanta, Loudoun->DC) has meant an influx of well-educated, high-payed executives and professionals (including myself). This has effectively split the county (in Cobb, the divider is north-south; in Loudoun, its east-west with Sterling to Leesburg being the high-income gain).

This, combined with the larger national games of identity politics and "culture wars" has created the very same vibe that instituted the evolution stickers down south - the rural people feeling so like they are in the minority that they become more politically active to try to control things to their advantage.

This is why you see the nutcases at their loudest in places like Cobb and Loudoun, but not necessarily in the middle of Nebraska. In Nebraska, they don't feel threatened. Here where the suburbs are ever-growing into their homeland, they feel threatened and will do and say anything to stay distinguished from what was infamously once called "the intelligent, educated segment of the culture".

We haven't had evolution wars here yet (and our proximity to very highly educated Fairfax will likely keep it that way), though we have been in the middle of the civil war revisionism book controversy in the last few months.

By Joe Shelby (not verified) on 12 Feb 2011 #permalink

When the young men are sufficiently intoxicated, homosexuals dressed as pirates whisk them away to God knows where to take advantage of them sexually.

citizens (...) are (...) overwhelmed by the popularity of the event.

Local tourism boards of America, take notice! The answer to your prayers is right there! Move quickly, before some other town hires all of the gay pirates in the region!

By Phillip IV (not verified) on 12 Feb 2011 #permalink

As for "pirates" in Loudoun? Well, I've been hanging out with the local pirate crowd for the last 15 years (we were dressing like this long before Jack Sparrow), and I've yet to see any open homosexual acts. In early March, some 150 pirates in the region will gather in Saverna Park MD, not for sexual favors, though "boobies" will certainly be involved.

We'll be raising money through entertainment, auctions, and raffles, for breast cancer charities. Over the last 9 years we've raised over $85,000 to support walkers in the Avon and Susan G Komen Breast Cancer walks in DC.

Additional pirate-themed events have raised a few thousand more for the American Cancer Society, and pirate-themed lunch stops have helped walkers and bikers in events for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

http://www.teamwench.org/pf/main.shtml

I'm almost tempted to see if we can get some friends to gather outside the Loudoun government dressed up, just to 1) get his reaction, and 2) raise awareness for what the large reenactment community (including pirates) in the DC area really does in fields of charity and education.

By Joe Shelby (not verified) on 12 Feb 2011 #permalink

For years I've been wondering what harm teh GAYZ might actually cause. At least now I know.

Hey Joe Shelby, a few points about Loudoun.
Delgaudio represents Sterling, that is eastern Loudoun and it is the most financially distressed part of the county. Those of us out in the west end are represented by an independent and a Democrat. The median income in the 2 western districts is higher then the eastern ones. The best high school from an AP & SAT standpoint is in the west, Loudoun Valley.
Eugene Delgaudio is an absolute asshole but he is very typical of the people who have moved into Loudoun in the last 20 years. He is nothing like the old line Loudouners. It is entirely the responsibilty of the people in Sterling to get rid of him and considering that he is in his 3rd term and will probably be reelected this year he obviously speaks to and for the people east of Leesburg.
I have been in Loudoun over 40 years, my wife is 6th generation.I know a lot of the old farmers and rural folk. Trust me the Loudoun of the 50s would not have tolerated this dick.

Wait...what?!

By nice_marmot (not verified) on 12 Feb 2011 #permalink

Butt pirates?

As I tried to imply - things have changed and Democrats and moderate Republicans are more often elected over nutcases in recent elections.

I did say that Delgaudio was considerably financially entrenched - he has the backing of the developers while lying to the electorate about his "slow growth" policies, so he has all the money in the world to tell the people that he doesn't listen to the corporations that are giving him the money. And they're buying it.

I'm not sure he's "typical" of the county immigrants of the last 20 years, considering the mix-n-match that includes plenty of people like me. Maybe this is reflective of a larger issue - of those that have moved into the region, along with those that have stayed, the conservatives are perhaps just the ones more likely to come out and vote in local elections, and are more committed to the local situation.

The more moderate ones don't see the importance of it, thinking themselves too attached to the DC region as a whole (where there job is) than Loudoun County specifically, and not realizing the impact of their apathy - if they're just going to move within 5 years (many do), what does local politics matter?

I apologize if I misrepresented West Loudoun.

I used to be moderately apathetic, or apathetically moderate, in local politics. Would that others realized, as I have, that we can't afford that luxury anymore.

By Joe Shelby (not verified) on 13 Feb 2011 #permalink

This comment from the 3rd link - it's pure win:

"[...]but I'd rather see "thousands of men in bright neon bikinis" than in Pampers, which is, I've heard, de rigeur costume for the C-Street parties."

'Gay Pirates in Pampers' - I see a product placement ahead, my hearties!

"thousands of men in bright neon bikinis"? Hmm. When do they hold this event? I'm sure I can clear my calendar.

PLEASE NOTE: Loudoun County, Virginia is also highly educated, with 57.4% of the workforce having a bachelor's degree or higher.

in reference to Joe Shelby:

"We haven't had evolution wars here yet (and our proximity to very highly educated Fairfax will likely keep it that way)...