How to make your scientific paper absolutely suck

A great abstract I found via improbable research blog:

How to write consistently boring scientific literature

Kaj Sand-Jensen (ksandjensen@bi.ku.dk), Freshwater Biological Laboratory, Univ. of Copenhagen, Helsingørsgade 51, DK-3400 Hillerød, Denmark.
Abstract

Although scientists typically insist that their research is very exciting and adventurous when they talk to laymen and prospective students, the allure of this enthusiasm is too often lost in the predictable, stilted structure and language of their scientific publications. I present here, a top-10 list of recommendations for how to write consistently boring scientific publications. I then discuss why we should and how we could make these contributions more accessible and exciting.

And don't forget the How to make a scientific lecture boring post also at Improbable Research by Alexander Kohn. Here's a snippet:

At a symposium, meeting or congress when there are a number of speakers, there comes a moment when your name is called. A nice ploy to attract the attention of the audience to you at this stage, is to place yourself in the middle of the last row, so that when you are introduced as the next speaker, you raise the whole row, stepping on their toes, proceed slowly to the front and then start searching your pockets for a convoluted pack of your lecture notes. Next you extract from another pocket a package of slides with which you go back to the projectionist and enter into an animated discussion with him trying to explain which slide is first and which side up and instructing him: "And don't forget to show slide No. 3 again after slide 7." Then you go back to the lectern, and start searching for your reading glasses. If you find them they would probably be in an unexpected pocket. Next you proceed to "read the paper." and we mean literally "read" it. This technique of delivering a lecture is defined by Prof. Sabin as "kissing over a telephone--completely tasteless."

If you wish to put your audience to sleep as soon as possible after starting to lecture, begin with the enumeration of all historically important papers published in the last 50 years that have any bearing on the subject matter. Another well tested method is to start talking about something that has nothing to do with the subject by saying for instance: "Before we turn to the discussion of......, let us shortly review...etc."

Beginning at the beginning is an unpardonable mistake. Some speakers use the so called multiple colon technique. They say: Mr. Chairman, I should like to say: the situation is as follows: I mean to say that: I should like to clarify in this lecture some points which are not sufficiently clear: etc. etc. If you continue for a few minutes in this vein, you lose the audience very soon.

A useful habit to distract the attention of the audience is to have a "tic," like twitching of one cheek, a sniffing movement of the nose, twisting of the neck, buttoning and unbuttoning your jacket etc. Putting on and removing the reading glasses while you talk, and glance at the audience, may sometimes replace such a tic. If you manage to combine the tic with the glasses, the better.