You can buy communion wafers on Amazon, which is no surprise. Amazon will also tell you what other customers bought when they ordered their communion wafers.
I…I…don't understand! I get a brainlock when I try to put these things together, I'm afraid.
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Makes perfect sense to me.
Jesus Christ that feels good!
Click the astroglide and see the multi deals it comes with!!! Lmfao, good find PZ!
For people who really love Jesus.
Yes, surprisingly, this makes perfect sense to me, too!
I gave my theory for this phenomena in another thread...
llewelly@2 ftw
I'm thinking thats expensive lube... and that i'm glad i don't take communion.
Unless there are some really good parties i'm missing.
dammit... phenomenon
Unconsecrated communion wafers, right? Just a cracker by any standard.
One of these things is not like the others, one of these things is not like the rest...
It looks like its saying the communion wafers are 8 inch in diameter! Yikes, I reckon people would need help swallowing 8 inches.
And the sheltered nature of the upbringing of a lot of Chistians, perhaps they don't know what Astroglide is for? Think it might help Jebus go down a bit better.
Could be honest mistakes...
(I love innuendo bingo)
At first I thought this must be a hoax page, but I suppose Celtic_Evolution's take on it makes sense. Fun-loving atheists buying communion wafers for wanton desecration purposes could also have purchased the FSM Bible... though I'm betting it was mostly the paedophile priests who went for the lube :-)
Well, it would make sense that all those items would be popular with Catholic priests...
Don't you know? It's the most secret of Catholic rites: what the priests do with the left over bits of Jesus!
Communion wafers are really dry.
I'm just sayin'...
The item that got me wondering was the Wii Dancing Mat.
I'm afraid too!
I'm afraid, but a little curious.....
I think I get it.
If you get a LOT of crackers together, and add some lube, maybe it all sticks together and you can craft yourself a full size jesus?
I looked at that picture on the left and thought, how nice, the church is now serving coffee and crackers at an after-service social.
I don't want to rain on your parade, but I've bought Jesus crackers on Amazon.com before. I served them with salsa at a party last year. My guess would be that churches don't order their Jesus crackers on Amazon.
I hold it as a point of pride
To walk with Jesus by my side
With him alone I will abide
It was for me that Jesus died.
I walk with Jesus, every stride;
To him alone will I confide
The things I seek, He will provide
No need of mine will be denied.
My heart, of course, I open wide
And let my Jesus come inside;
And Jesus wept. And me, I cried:
That's why we bought the Astroglide.
You cheeky devil, Cuttlefish!
Cuttlefish... that was just terrible, but good god that was funny. You must really stop making me laugh while I'm at work.
I know I've said it a million times, but Cuttlefish for president.
Cuttlefish-
Fortunately, as an IT manager, I have access to new keyboards and monitors any time I need them. Such as now.
PZ it's perfectly simple.
Q. Who buys communion wafers?
A. Priests
Q. Who uses personal lubricant?
A. Priests
Q. On whom do they use it?
A. Nah! Couldn't be that simple, could it?
Cuttlefish for U.S. Poet Laureate!
"I get a brainlock when I try to put these things together, I'm afraid."
Don't be afraid. Join us.
LOL. Cuttlefish, you rock my small world. I bet the neighbors heard my belly laugh. When you publish that poem, you should include the screen grab of the communion wafers and Astroglide.
My only regret is that Astroglide doesn't come in the gallon jug size as a special offer to accompany purchases of communion wafers.
Can you get those crackers in the shape of body parts? Jesus's head? Jesus's foot? Jesus's penis? I would think that'd make communion a bit more exciting: "I got Jesus's appendix mom!"
It doesn't take much imagination to be an atheist. That's one of the benefits. ooops, almost typed benefists, which sounds both Latin and dirty. Maybe it does take imagination.
@Standard Curve (28):
Holy crap there IS a Poet Laureate!
Cuttlefish for Poet Laureate!
How do you think Bill Donoghue gets his head up his own ass?
Swami sez: PZ has a nasty letter from bill Donoghue arriving in the near future.
Eating the wafer is one thing, but if you really want to be redeemed …
Jodi @ 31,
Not sure about the crackers but I'm pretty sure that baby jebus butt plugs are available in an assortment of colors. How do I know?
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3896569197654224883#
"And when he had given thanks, he brake it, and said, Take, eat: this is my body, which is broken for you: this do in remembrance of me. But use some lube, I'm a little dry." - 1 Corinthians 11:24
"6 used from $12.42" Did they find 'em in PZ's garbage?
Is it just me, or is Cuttlefish just scintillating and emanating brilliance in the past several days?
I searched for all three items on Amazon and couldn't find this D:
The product reviews are pretty good too. I suppose ketchup would be too tacky.
I had to check that one out, I was a bit skeptical... *blush* oh, my
Wafer goes in one orafice,
the body of christ slides easily out the other.
Spelling Police: orifice
How else would you get your dildo in with all those wetsuits on?
Well.
Ther was the story about the fellow who was in the hospital overnight, and after breakfast his nurse came in to check his blood pressure.
She asked how breakfast was, to which the man replied : "Well, the eggs were a bit rubbery. The toast was okay, but I'll tell ya, that Kentucky Jelly is gonna take some gettin used to "
He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming soon." Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.
Rev 22:20
Ha ha ha! I gotta get me some communion wafers and lubricant for the hot tub! (TMI?)
PZ, you're not more frightened by the "buy it used" section?
This review killed me: "It is almost blasphemous how disgusting these things taste." Obviously, they were made for other purposes.
Oh God, give me the wafer. That's right. Give it to me. GIVE it to me.
From same references, the perfect gift for the catlicking choir boys:
Alpha Male Anal Prostate Massager Waterproof Vibrator Sex Toy for Men & Original Artwork Chinese Love Spell Symbol Pocket Card Gift Set -
http://www.amazon.com/Prostate-Massager-Waterproof-Vibrator-Original/dp…
With the Astroglide they'll be in seventh heaven!
Just ask any rcc paedophile priest/bishop/cardinal.
Actually, Astroglide works really well for lubricating the mechanism of the automatic communion wafer dispensers when they get jammed. Makes perfect sense.
Great, now "Keep It Greasy" will be going through my head all day....
To be fair, some Protestant churches also use communion wafers, and it doesn't have to be the priest who goes cracker-shopping for the church.
(Still, the juxtaposition is hilarious. I like the idea of naughty atheists going online to buy supplies for cracker-defilement.)
Fixed it for you.
Explain, please.
I wonder if the Astroglide is blessed by the priest before use, transforming it into HolyGlide?
Damn you, tsg! Keep your earworms to yourself. Even if it is Zappa.
<trusting eyes mode="not">
Did I seriously just write "weeks"?
I wanted to write "years".
I'll go home and to bed right now, at a quarter to 6 in the evening. Looks like I have a lot of sleep to… vocabulary fail… catch up with.
⊕ The UK version of Amazon (.co.uk) doesn't show the same associated frequently bought products alongside those crackers (ie the same product code works). Perhaps the lube connection is an American phenomenon. Has anyone else got a local listing to check?
I made a bigger image that is more self descriptive.
here
This adds a whole new twist to Crackergate.
See here.
Why should I suffer alone?
David Marjanović@55
The state abbreviation for Kentucky is KY. I don't understand why everyone in the world does not immerse themselves in the trivia of the US, and memorize all of our state abbreviations, since we are the most important country in the world, and clearly the best.
What?
The reviews and their comments of the wafers are also worth reading for a laugh!
Umm... every cracker needs a topping?
I can't wait to see what people buy along side the series of religious themed sex dolls I want to market:
1. The "real men love Jesus every Day Evey Way" doll, NOW with a free container of Astroglide!
2. The Virgin Mary with resealable himen, Pop her cherry every time! Also with a free container of Astroglide!
3. The "Go blow me on the mountain" Moses
4. There is only one god allah & mohammed is his suck puppet.
#46, you'd need the whole tube of Astroglide to get in these wetsuits in the first place.
That was the argument made to Andrew Sullivan (where I first saw the story posted). As a general rule, your best sexual lubricant blogposts usually come from gay blogs.
Enjoy.
Yeah, these are unconsecrated, so they're ok.
I'd like to share my own thoughts regarding this matter. This is not just any lubricant, this is Astroglide. Now, I'm not sure that it actually functions better than generic Kroger-brand lubricant (which serves my humble needs), but it certainly shows that the purchaser went that extra mile.
Consider that for a moment. That's not just a one night stand or a short fling. That's love. True love.
We should not judge these consumers by their purchasing habits, but rather by their taste. Could this be a cold man who's only desire is to use another person's body for some selfish gain? Possibly.
However, I like to think of it as the beginning of a lasting, loving relationship between two connoiseurs of sodomy and dry bread. Let us rejoice in their happiness and hope that Jesus' love provides them a lifetime of cushion for the pushin'.
Oh yeah, I wanted to share this signature line I ran across over at Slashdot.
Enjoy.
Nice
Becky@67
*guffaw*
However, surely the Hindu market is the obvious one here? AFAIK, the only current widely-practised religion that covers many of its temples in weirdly deviant porn - and one has to ask whether those deities with multiple limbs show similar multiplicity in the genital department. Not to mention the erotic possibilities of Hanuman's tail and Ganesh's trunk!
Meanwhile, for the hardcore male masochist, how about a Jael wife of Heber doll? Hammers a tent-peg into your temple when you've dropped off into a post-orgasmic doze!
Reminds me of the song 'Christian Woman' by
Type O Negative:
"A cross upon her bedroom wall
From grace she will fall
An image burning in her mind
And between her thighs.
A dying God-man full of pain
When will you cum again ?
Before him beg to serve or please
On your back or knees."
I vote that the title of your very excellent sermon.
Enjoy.
I have frequently heard the phrase "enter the body of Christ". This is not really what I had in mind.
Waferplay?
Me too... at least until tonight when I'll see it at the (son of) Zappa show
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy!
It makes sense!
Two different jokes...
Fuck her.
---
How do you get a priest to fuck a nun?
For folks here it would be more like this product.
Bacon Lube .....Keep it Sizzlin'
http://www.geekologie.com/2009/04/why_didnt_i_think_of_that_baco.php
------------------------------------------------
Cuttlefish really takes the cake,
NOBODY better rhymes can make;
priests who enjoy good tube steak,
buy Astroglide -- that's NO mistake!
------------------------ Burma Shave -----
Saw that a few months ago. It's fantastic.
It's simply that transubstantiation is really hard to swallow.
I can't belive there doing thiis! Wow, I'm way less likly to by something off amazon now.
Of course, David. Thanks. I stand 'fixed'. :)
Cuttlefish is awesome beyond awesome. Hence my FATWAH on him. But it seemed to me that he (she?) has been shining with even more effulgence than usual (if that were at all possible) in the posts of the past few days.
Another silly poll to pharyngulate.
From the Richard Dawkins website, we have this article about "Professor seeks out the truth about 'quackery'"
The poll asks, "Do you believe in homeopathy?" It's currently at 47% yes, only 53% no.
I think we can improve that.
The implication you assert demonstrates your misunderstanding of how Amazon's engine functions. The comment itself demonstrates your complete lack of basic keyboarding, grammar, and spelling skills.
Unfortunately, the explanation that comes to my mind is that many parish offices are using their more computer savvy altar boys to do the on-line orders, and they're padding the order a bit to make their lives more comfortable.
When you recall that the most heartfelt prayers involve getting to first base with your date, the juxtaposition makes sense.
But surely if we can make it 99.9999999% no they still win since the less support there is in a particular poll the stronger their support is?
I eat my communion wafers with milk and sugar.
You've obviously never tried to choke down a communion wafer. Granted, Astroglide as a lubricant seems a tad excessive.
@ Kausik Datta--
Actually, if you are right, it is probably a bad sign. My verse production usually goes up when I am under stress and have things I really have to be doing instead of writing verse. I generally don't notice until too late, so I thank you for drawing it to my attention. I'd probably best slow down a bit for a while, while classes start up again.
Hey! This story just made it on The News Quiz. Ur famous!
Why don't the christ-crackers get star ratings?
Hey! This story just made it on The News Quiz. Ur famous!
What's the story behind the "used" communion wafers Amazon has available?
Okaaaay... and what is that stuff doing in a hospital? That's what I don't get, not the ambiguity of "jelly".
Having spent the last two US election half-years in http://www.electoralvote.com, I know all two-letter state abbreviations. But where the literal fuck was I supposed to know any lubricants from? :-D :-D :-D
No, I can't enjoy that.
I can, however, reply to it:
1) Be careful what you wish for – you just might get it.
2) Except for the modern birds, the dinosaurs were long gone when that happened, and it took about 40 million years...
Vote totals not shown.
Do alter boys need more lubrication than altar boys?
BS
David Marjanović@100
I don't understand why everyone in the world does not immerse themselves in the trivia of the US, and memorize all of our state abbreviations lubricants, since we are the most important country in the world, and clearly the best.
What?
They use it for lubricating instruments that get inserted into orifices. It's water based, as opposed to petroleum jelly which can degrade materials such as latex and is easier to clean up.
Don't ask me how I know, because I will tell you. I swear.
I eat my wafers with honey.
I know that makes you sick.
It does make them taste funny
But it keps them on my dick.
tsg:
I, for one, cannot leave a baiting like that unattended to.
Please explain.
Even when doing an open search for "communion wafers" on Amazon.com that Astroglide stuff ranks #13. Something strange is going on.
I thought there had to be a better way of getting this clarinet in there.
Counterintuitively, it's easier with an organ.
What they tell you:
What they don't tell you:
http://www.homelandstupidity.us/2007/04/21/astroglide-data-breach-expos…
The vatican must be trembling...
I haven't checked for an Italian Amazon yet. The secular French are clear of the US cracker-lube association though.
Let's just say that my wife is an endoscopy nurse and I get all the gory details, and leave it at that.
WHERE are they inserting those Communion wafers??? :)
BTW, strawberry Astroglide rocks. Speaking as a user. LOL!
Cuttlefish (@109):
Damn you! Even your one-liners are poems! </jealousy>
It looks like it has been edited to remove the Astroglide. Damn you, amazon.com! I just posted this to my Facebook page.
Exactly what are these people doing with the wafers? Hang on... maybe I really don't want to know the answer to that.
The Astroglide helps the bullshit from the pulpit go down easier.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Aaah! Breathe! Ah! Oh, I am a horrible person.
There was a priest who, alas
wanted an unorthodox mass
after the first wafer
understanding he should be safer
He used some lube up his ...
Yeah, low, I know... And not nearly as good as Cuttlefish's.
Those of you wondering why Astroglide would be purchased with communion wafers clearly have never had the unfortunate experience of having a dry communions wafer that tastes like cardboard glued to the roof of your mouth for an excruciatingly long period of time.
BTDT.
@ Mena #115:
They haven't fixed the search results yet though (see my #107).
Let's indeed. Unless there were clarinets or organs.
Must be an American thing. Amazon.ca has more logical choices. However, I did get the giggle out of the Amazon.com suggestions.
http://www.amazon.ca/Heavenly-Supper-Story-Maria-Janis/dp/0226807894/re…
Awwww
They took it down.
God's trying to send you a message, and that message is: "HOST DESECRATION: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG"
(had to type in caps to get that booming God-like voice quality, sorry)
Everybody knows God speaks German when it's heavy business.
You see, buying lubricant and communion wafers is justified because you see, uh...wafers make you horny?
Who's been a bad little nun then?
Inspired (lamely, on my part) by Cuttlefish @109:
A youngish lad I was back then,
and still a pollyanna.
I thought the height of romance was
roses on a piano.
I met a girl who rocked my world,
(she claimed her name was Morgan).
I must admit I now prefer
tulips on an organ.
/apologies, all
God speaks English as any fule kno. He knows Latin (he is, after all, educated) and can get by in French and Italian if he has to, but German? God can order Wiener Schnitzel und ein Bier, bitte but his German doesn't extend much past that.
I think we may need to explain more about the delights of The News Quiz for our trans-atlantic brethren. It's a very long running panel/quiz show that makes very tart fun of the recent news. Probably the inspiration for amusing but nowhere as biting NPR show "Wait wait don't tell me". Politicians occasionally have to go to the ER after hearing the cutting wit.
First, got to www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 and look down the page to see the link to the audio for The News Quiz. Then try http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq to find out more about the program and its delights. And while you're at it, take a gander at some of the other neat comedy and drama shows on offer for free.
Maybe they were just having a hard time getting them out of the dispenser?
http://www.prezziesplus.co.uk/user/products/lg-disc-shooter.jpg
This song might explain the lubricant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-NOZU2iPA8
Just listen to the lyrics
I got in a lot of trouble with Catholic groups a few years ago when I bought communion wafers from an online supplier and made a web page doing a taste test comparison of different sauces and toppings to make communion wafers more palatable.
One of the organizations asked their members to all email me and pray I go to hell. Frankly I didn't expect anything else. :)
It's at http://triggur.org/communion/
I don't know why but that makes me remember of the "mariquita" joke about a "chorizo" which ends with the sentence "¿Qué te crees, que mi culo es una alcancilla"?
À bon entendeur, salut ;-)
Triggur @ 132,
Now that's the spirit !!
@Hirnlego #132:
*still laughing*
@Hirnlego #132:
He taught me how to raise my "god" and how to rock 'n roll.... Once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide, but Jesus came and found me and he touched me down inside. He is like a Mountie, he always gets his man, and he'll "zap" you any way he can.
The name of that band is "Sonseed" I guess the astroglide helps the "Son" get his "seed" "down inside".
Obviously doesn't know that there are better lubes out there, like Liquid Silk:
http://www.sexualwellbeing.com/products/prod.asp?pid=71827&aid=338498&a…
So Frank Zappa got it wrong when he said, "There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over"?
HOSTIENSCHÄNDUNG: DU MACHST DAS FALSCH
Just a thought ...
Does eating consecrated crackers result in holy shit ?
David Marjanović [55], perhaps the missing datum is that KY jelly is a brand of "non-greasy personal lubricant," which of course tastes nothing like fruit jelly.
One of the apartment buildings near the gay village in Toronto was known as K-Y towers.
Weirdly, the communion wafers are also available on amazon.co.uk - but only "used". Eew.
http://ow.ly/WYwP
Looks like we shouldn't be so surprised that god-botherers should like to stock up on various items to insert into various places -
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18388-anxious-or-sexually-competi…
Many denominations use communion wafers of that style--Lutherans, Episcopalians, etc.
Hope this helps:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29788