From America's Finest News Source:
Professor Pressured To Sleep With Student For Good Course Evaluation
FAYETTEVILLE, AR--Alan Gilchrist, an associate professor of English literature at the University of Arkansas infamous for his tough grading standards and dry lecturing style, was coerced into sleeping with an undergraduate on Monday in order to earn a good course evaluation. "My tenure's on the line here, so I allowed a student to take advantage of me," said an emotional Gilchrist of the experience, which he hopes will earn him at least six "very much enjoyed" responses on the eight-item evaluation form. "I told myself it would be just this once, and that it would be over soon, and that it wouldn't be that bad, but I was used. And I can't stop showering." Sources said that the unidentified student is one of the most popular and charismatic on campus, raising questions about possible abuse of power.
The fact that they got the rank wrong (an "associate professor" usually has tenure-- those of us who are untenured are "assistant professors") just makes it funnier.
What do you expect?
He was an English professor. They have loose standards...
For once, I think The Onion may have made a misstep. There's an actual member of the English department named Ellen Gilchrist--not a lit teacher, but a creative writing teacher, and one of the best short story writers working today. Flip some of the other details which do fit her, and it comes off as a nasty slam on her.