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Sunny Afternoon of the Ninja Squirrels

By drorzel on April 19, 2009.

The dog comes into the office looking disgusted. "Well, you've really done it now, dude."

"What? What did I do?"

"You had to go and put a bird feeder in the front window, didn't you?"

"What about it?" We put a thistle-seed feeder in front of the bay window in the living room, and I added a small regular feeder on impulse. They give SteelyKid something to look at outside.

"It's attracted ninja squirrels."

"Oh, come on." I say. "That's nothing compared to the ninja squirrel that was on YouTube a couple of years ago."

"Not yet, it isn't. But you've opened the door. Soon, they'll be climbing along wires, and through spinny things, and before you know it, they'll be inside, eating everything. And then, they'll come for you."

"I think you're exagger--"

"ChitterchitterchitterSQUEEEK!" she says. "That's what they say when they pounce. It's the SQUEEEK! that lets you know they're out for blood."

"OK, that's it. No more monster movies on the SciFi Channel for you."

"Awwwww....."

"No, this has gotten ridiculous. Every time you watch one of those flicks, you get more paranoid. I've told you a million times, the squirrels are no threat. Haven't I?"

"Yes, you have," she says sullenly, tail drooping.

"I'll prove it. Watch." I lean over the couch and bang on the window. The squirrel startles, loses its grip on the pole, and falls down out of view. "See?"

"I guess you're right," she says, grudgingly.

"Thank you." I turn around to head back toward the office.

"Or is that just what they want you to think?"

"That's it!" I spin around. The squirrel is back on the pole, staring at me with beady little eyes. Dark and malevolent beady little eyes.

"OK, you can go outside and run them off," I say.

"Ooooh!" She's off like a flash for the back door. I follow her, looking back occasionally to keep an eye on that squirrel.

Tags
Dog
silliness

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Try rubbing some crisco or olive oil or what have you on the pole. Makes for great hilarity... though it wears off quickly enough and the squirrels get back to the feeder before long.

Walking in my squirrel-infested town of residence has made me think that there's a great horror movie to be made from squirrels. I mean, look at how they're always around, but you never know where they come from. Or how they cagily try to stay on the opposite side of things from you. It's almost as if they're trying to avoid you (or your beagles, whatever). They are clearly planning something, and you know it can't be good.

So, given that the pervasive unease that the little bushy-tailed tree rats generated, I've come up with the trailer for what is sure to be the smash-hit horror movie of the summer:

MONTAGE OF ORDINARY SCENES FROM A HEAVILY-TREED SUBURB, WITH OPENING MOVEMENT TO BEETHOVEN'S 'PASTORAL' SYMPHONY ON SOUNDTRACK

NARRATOR: Life is quiet in the suburbs. People work and children play without a care in the world.

MUSIC MODULATES TO A MINOR KEY

NARRATOR: Little do they know the danger that lurks, the horror that lives among them...

JUMP CUT, WITH STINGER, TO THE OMINOUS SILHOUETTE OF A SQUIRREL AGAINST A WELL-LIT HOUSE

CUT TO A HIGH-ANGLE SHOT OF A HAPPY COUPLE WALKING THROUGH A FOREST, WITH LOW, OMINOUS MUSIC

NARRATOR: This summer, learn to fear the evil that lurks...

PAN OUT AND AROUND TO SHOW SQUIRRELS MOVING AROUND THE TREEE TRUNKS TO REMAIN HIDDEN FROM THE COUPLE

NARRATOR: ...on "The Other Side of the Tree!"

ZOOM IN TO THE BLACK, SOULLESS EYE OF ONE OF THE SQUIRRELS AS THE MUSIC RISES TO A SHRIEKING, PSYCHO-ESQUE CLIMAX.

My agent will be entertaining all reasonable offers for the full script...

Gosh... I'm becoming paranoid as well... I won't feed pigeons, I won't feed cats, I won't feed squirrels...
What, apart from eyes, are distinguishing marks of those evil squirrels? I'm asking just in case, you know - better be prepared...

Gosh... I'm becoming paranoid as well... I won't feed pigeons, I won't feed cats, I won't feed squirrels...
What, apart from eyes, are distinguishing marks of those evil squirrels? I'm asking just in case, you know - better be prepared...