How high can we jump?

I suspect that the proportion of single&divorced mothers with kids is not much lower than that of single and divorced fathers with kids.

Might even be higher.

Tara can probably give you a better idea, though...

Oh, duh, right. Thanks, lab lemming.

If there are similar, but no exactly comparable situations, then doesn't that put you, as a scientist, in an ideal situation for experimentation? When there is no certainty that something can be accomplished in a certain way, but a hope or an idea that might serve as a model for others, isn't that the perfect opportunity to try?

And even if the first trial has negative results, isn't that just one more way to know how to try again?

You are a scientist. You are a woman. And whatever the circumstances, you are paving the way for others. Keep up the good work.

Do we always need examples? Yes, the lack of mentors and examples have kept many of 'us' from pursuing opportunities that we should have, but the lack of example should NOT keep 'us' from thinking it can't be done. It just hasn't been done yet.

That said, I, too, wonder these things and often speculate as to why *I* am here -- what made *me* stick with it and not others? I don't have answers to those questions either.

Continuing on Heather's point, maybe one of your long term goals should be a statistically significant number of divorces. What is it that they say about the number of fish in the sea?
;)

I am a 5th year graduate student at an Ivy League University. When I went back to school to do a second bachelors degree at a public university (all I could afford), my first child was a newborn. I had my second child in my 3rd year of grad school, and for the first 4 years, my husband worked in another city and was only able to be here on weekends. Oh, and I am an under-represented minority.

I have never let anyone tell me what I can or can't accomplish. I just set my goals and get to work. And I look for anything, anyone who can help me in any way. I'm not going to say I haven't felt overwhelmed, nor that I haven't had to re-adjust my standards for things like housework, amount of sleep, etc. I just love what I do, and have never expected that anything worthwhile would be easy.

I often feel that my female colleagues get stuck in these kinds of worries. Worrying that you might not be able to do it will never get it done. But I've gotten a lot of mileage out deciding to do it and treating the rest as logistics.

My kids are both teenagers now, and one is in college, so life is a little easier, but I left two positions (post-doc and tenured faculty) so that I could have more flexibility in my life and deal with my kids. Clearly, trying to do it all doesn't work for everyone, no matter what we want to believe.

I used to scream whenever I read the career profiles in Science where people described how they could do it because they had parents or full-time nannies who handled day care.

I've noticed more adopted children by science professionals, both in industry and academia, for what it's worth.

I redrafted your post, replacing the word "women" with "men" This clearly showed that most of your concerns are common hurdles for both sexes but it's women alone that have to deal with childcare. Investment in the provision of childcare will always increase the effectiveness of any organisation. It is to the great shame of Academic Institutes that they are not in the forefront of these initiatives

I read this post yesterday but didn't know what to say. Not sure I do now either. :~) This really touched my heart! I am assuming it describes your situation. I hope not, but there are probably people it does.
I was hit with CFS 16 years ago. I lost my health, home, land, career, life's savings and wife. I still have to deal with it by taking a 2 hour nap everyday and some other accommodations, but it is slowly getting better.
Just to try to be encouraging. Life can hand you some super lemons, no doubt about it. But if you can try to keep thinking them happy thoughts and keep pushing on, life can still have some great times in store for you!
Dave Briggs :~)

ScienceWoman, I am curious what brought you to think about such things late at night. Your mother was a single mother of two and an academic and she made it work, right? Has something happened to bring on so much doubt?
Recently, I had a breakdown on the phone with my former PhD advisor after a sleepless, stressed out night. She told me off and then told me that I had better toughen up or else I wasn't going to make it in academia. I'm still mad at her, but her casting her doubts on me makes me more resolved to succeed.
You have made it this far. Life is hard and busy and ridiculously stressful sometimes. But I have faith that you will succeed.
Take care,
VolcanoGirl

Women like you describe often *can* make it, but at what cost? My female thesis advisor had a husband who supported her work, working with her and her research associate who wrote grants. She had children, but her whole family's focus was her career, and now she is Dean of engineering at U. of Arizona. I have a phd and have never worked in my area. I can't find a job, can't get interviews. If I was to go for a faculty position, my lifestyle- the one that includes time with my daughter- would be significantly degraded. I am a single mom and I can hardly make it, unemployed again. I feel that I simply cannot place my career higher than my family and to have any career at all would require that because I have a phd. I am okay with being poor, but I have to consider unskilled jobs because I am never called back for interviews in my field.

Also, I think that the political situation has seriously affected grant renewals, as I hear many grants with good marks are being rejected.

I don't know the answers to your questions, but I suspect you're experiencing first-year-of-tenure-track stress coupled with first-year-of-parenthood stress. Both situations tend to improve with time.

It's important not to take the world on your shoulders. One day at a time. Breathe in and out. You don't have to be the big successful example - not in the first year.

I go on a weekly lunch date with other female engineering faculty members. It's cheaper than therapy and it helps us all cope. I feel that way about some of these female-STEM-oriented blogs, too ... but there are days when all the self flagellation gets me down. It's important not to keep beating ourselves up. To quit telling ourselves we're a bad example, a bad mommy, a bad teacher or a bad researcher, when we're not. We need to quit succumbing to the imposter syndrome and just go be ... ourselves, as best we can with as much joy as we can.

Whew. And with that, I need to go work on my next lecture.