News You Can Use! Page 1

Gee, it seems that the gurus in charge of writing wire service headlines seem to have fallen under the spell of Banality, The Fairie Queen of Cliches. Here are some recent examples culled from the "Health" section, which your narrator enjoys browsing, if only to come up with new ideas on how to improve his looks.

"Healthy diet and lifestyle vital for healthy heart: AHA"

(Who knew? I just hope they allow a certain degree of latitude when defining the word "healthy," otherwise I'm in big trouble.)

"Melanoma Often Spotted Later Among Blacks, Hispanics"

(Actually this headline is misleading - the conclusion is not what you think. The reason that melanoma is more likely to be in an advanced stage in darker-skinned patients is because we have not done a good job teaching and publicizing the risk of melanoma in this population, thus there is less awareness and less screening for atypical moles in African-Americans and Hispanics - not because the moles are harder to spot. Tanta stultitia mortalium est!)

"Diabetes rate doubled in last 30 years"

(I think this sentence from the article says it all: "Changes in dietary and physical activity patterns that are independent of changes in body weight may also contribute to the present findings." Changes? What changes? I've been eating the same way my whole life!)

"Benefits of fertility treatment outweigh costs: study"

(No! Are they really suggesting that couples who want "benefits" from fertility treatment should not be denied such treatments? In the article they actually report that government will make a profit off of the infertility business, so it's copacetic to pay for it. Hooray for money! But wait - are there any other "benefits" to be found in these expensive procedures? Gosh, I sure can't think of any...)

Unless I run out of material, "News You Can Use!" will become a regular feature of T. C. O. Thank you and goodnight.