Coming Up Next: New Year's Resolutions - Are They Credible?

As 2006 draws to a close I believe it is appropriate to list a few New Year's resolutions in the hope that they inspire the gentle reader to probity, if not an appearance on Oprah. No, these resolutions are not mine. After an unfortunate incident I refuse to commit any more promises to paper, especially on December 31st. Of course this not only makes a visit to Burger King more enjoyable but leaves one free to snicker at joggers, penny-pinchers and other goody-two-shoes who are in the midst of rectifying their various sins of omission and commission.

I don't mind snooping at other people's resolutions, though and this list is no exception. Reprinted below, it was apparently found on the floor of a Starbucks in some unnamed city according to the tipster who emailed it to me. Please read it as sincerely as I did, and Hau'oli Makahiki Hou to all.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

1. I will exercise more, or at least stop using Shirley's electric scooter to get the morning paper.
2. I will read at least two books, three if I count anything written by Suzanne Somers.
3. No matter how tempted, I will stop with the impersonations whenever I see our new Madame Speaker.
4. No gin before 5 P.M.
5. No more moving the clock hands when Shirley isn't looking.
6. I will stop wearing the Viva Las Vegas T-shirt to church.
7. I will give money to a worthy cause of my choice.
8. I really really will try to hold it when driving the kids to school.
9. I will avoid serenading Shirley at bedtime.
10. If I can find the damn thing, I will start juicing.
11. When out of town, no more using Mapquest to find ice cream parlors.
12. I will try to remember where I put that book on Alzheimer's disease.
13. I will not get angry after reading a fortune cookie.
14. If asked more than once, I will refrain from singing "Sweet Child O' Mine" in the shower.
15. With God's help, I will try to understand my son's iTunes playlist.