Thank God for the Guilfoile-Warner Papers

In the pantheon of American letters, The Guilfoile-Warner Papers have long held a spot of hallowed pre-eminence. With their contribution this week, the correspondence has now reached Daily Shovian levels of excellence. I had sought to choose the best line in their column, but got caught unable to rank which of the many great lines was best. So, for us, a sampling below. I'll let readers decide how to rank their astuteness. But please, for sanity's sake, confer the entire column here at The Morning News.

On the implausibility of Pailn's selection:

The [probability] that [Palin] might be vice president is...like getting hit by an asteroid and yet surviving because the asteroid has a hole in it shaped exactly like Sarah Palin.

On not-yet family members:

Families should be off-limits. But Levi Johnston isn't family yet, so let's talk about him. He gets his girlfriend pregnant, and then five months later her mother is plucked out of nowhere to be a candidate for vice president of the United States on a ticket that could actually win? In all of hormone history has there ever been a more perfectly executed impregnation of a teenager?

On the lessons we learn about McCain's ability to make decisions:

I think it's all well and good that McCain's dice roll has injected some fresh energy into the campaign, but the thought of this guy and his decision-making process becoming president increasingly terrifies me. I've seen six-year-olds weigh their choice of a hamburger or chicken nuggets with more care than McCain brought to choosing his Number Two.

On spin:

There used to be a certain dignity to spin, back when spin meant only that you accompanied a declaration of fact with a favorable demonstration of logic. Now spin means that you say things that are patently false and hyperbolic.

On bald-faced denial:

It's like that one Larry Sanders episode where they're having a meeting with the network execs and Larry just gets up and walks out of the room and one of the suits says, "Larry just walked out on us," and Artie says, "No he didn't."

On the moral repugnance of hypocrisy:

I mean, it takes a special kind of nerve to vehemently deny you were a member of a secessionist political party while conveniently omitting that your husband, in fact, was, and also repeatedly boast that you were against the Bridge to Nowhere when you were only against it eventually and under intense pressure. Sarah Palin claiming she was against the Bridge to Nowhere is sort of like Mississippi bragging that it opposed slavery.

On teenage pregnancy:

Kids make mistakes, and when they make one this big there are going to be consequences, but I take marriage as seriously as anyone in that convention hall and I defy any one of them to explain to me how forcing your high-school daughter and some self-proclaimed "fucking redneck" into a statistically doomed celebrity teen marriage just to save your political bacon is any kind of moral virtue.

On qualifications:

Sarah Palin's appeal apparently rests on her being just like us, but why on Earth would we want to elect someone just like us? Have you seen us?

I have: I go to the mall.

..."Us" takes six years and five schools to graduate from college. "Us" thinks Waziristan is who Mario has to defeat to rescue the princess. When "us" hears "Saakashvili," we say, "gezundheit." "Us" knows all the lyrics to the Chicago Bears "Super Bowl Shuffle"...