But What Will We Eat at the Apocalypse Now?

There are, of course, a lot of critical issues going on right now, and you can count on your blogiste to keep you up on them.  Besides the fallout from Sandy, crisis of arctic sea ice and all the agricultural issues that need to be brought to the  light, it can be hard to keep up.  But I think we all can agree what really is critical at this moment is this:  What are we all going to eat when the zombies come?   How will we go on now that that perfect survival food, the Twinkie, is no longer available?  Particularly since Israel and Gaza seem bent on bringing the zombies in extra-soon, before we have time to properly grieve our loss.

Of course, you could stock up on survival Twinkies, buying the last thousand cases so that you and your family will have a food that can be passed on to your descendants with no reduction (or increase) in quality.  Or you could smuggle them over the border - I'm told that Hostess brands have been licensed to a Canadian company for some time.  This, along with the useful foresight of being a net-energy exporter,  is the main reason that Canadians are much better prepared to survive the end of the world than we are.

For the millions of Americans, newly aware of the possibility of climate related disaster, or store shelves emptied by gas shortages, but far from the Canadian border,  however, the question becomes - what survival foods can take the place of Twinkies?  The answer is bleak, I'm afraid.

While any number of nutritious, delicious storage foods are available, many of which, properly packed and stored, will not degrade for many years, the category of food that will outlast the human race without noticeable change is now gone.  The species that rise to fill the ecological niche of human beings after our destruction will simply have to evolve without the help of Twinkies, Ho-Hos or even Sno balls (the pink Sno balls, which of course, are  known to actually cause DNA mutations will be particularly missed.)

What does the zombie-ready reader do now?  How do we counteract the growing sense of despair as we are cast back on the traditional resource of whole grains, legumes, nuts, dried fruits and the fruits of our preserving labor?  After all,  none of those foods could ever equal either the sugar-high or radiation absorption capacity of the Twinkie.

For the millions of us who had planned to subsist entirely on dry-as-pasteboard "cake" with benzene-flavored "cream" filling, this is a stunning setback.  What WILL we eat as the mutant cockroaches approach?  How can a meal of lentil- kale soup, fresh cornbread and marinated lemon carrots with a dessert of pumpkin-chocolate chip bars ever seem anything but deeply disheartening in the face of our Twinkie-less future?  Twinkies were the best survival food ever created by nature (well, nature was involved in there somehow, at least in the creation of a few of the original molecules of the filling that the synthetics were then mostly modelled on).  Nothing we can ever do now will be the same.

All I can say is that if you have already come to terms with the knowledge that a stable climate and endless cheap oil are not part of your future, you can work through the unbearable suffering accompanying the knowledge that Twinkies won't be there for you.  We will soldier on through disaster after disaster, knowing that what is lost can never be reclaimed, enduring the suffering of a diet based on real food.  The pain may never end, and the fear of the future, but humans endure, as the last few, precious, golden Twinkies do, no matter what you do to them.





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Fortunately, my stash of Necco wafers is secure.

By Andy Brown (not verified) on 20 Nov 2012 #permalink

Actusally, the Top Secret Recipes book has a recipe for Twinkie clones that looks like it would be much nicer than the original...but in the event of apocalypse, would require a few stored staples and a source of eggs.

I think we are safe, whew. Little Debbie Corporation makes a Twinkie look-alike called a "cloud cake" which doubtlessly boast the same superlative qualities you've just described. Sadly, when people don't know that a carrot is a root and think marshmallows are fruit, the meal you describe is both alien in description AND beyond the ability of most of us to produce. Que the hungry hordes.

I would not see this as a reality, the Indians have secret supplies and the black market Twinkies will have embargoed laws and I will laugh every time the news reports a police officer being ticketed or arrested for bartering and trading in embargoed goods... Badges we need no stinking badges.... Stank away or five to 10:000 volt charge. Nothing stops the mail or a police officer loading up on rocket file.

By ProtoBytes (not verified) on 21 Nov 2012 #permalink

I suppose a zombie apocalypse is marginally more credible than the catastrophic warming fraud, in that it doesn't have the same record of falsified predictions behind it.

I assume not one of the thieving ecofascist obscenities on "scienceblogs" will even attempt to dispute that with anything other than rudeness and obscenities, because you know you can't.

By Neil Craig (not verified) on 22 Nov 2012 #permalink

Oh look, whiner's back with more whine.

And suprise, suprise. More childish insults.

No wonder you scored, what, two votes when you wanted to become MP?

Oh no, not eternity without Twinkies! I'm not sure how the rest of the world was going to manage - no Twinkies at all. Maybe we don't have the Twinkie adaptation found in the USA. Really enjoyed this one.
Incidentally, the only rudeness and obscenities I've noticed here would be from - surprise! - Neil Craig. If his diet is as poor as his manners, we ecofascists will have the last laugh, since he will probably expire from malnutrition long before the rest of us.

Hazel you either have avoided looking or are deliberately lying about the obscdenities Sharon encourages here because she knows yopu eco-nazis have no factual case whatsoever and have to rely on lies and obscenities.

If it is the former you will check this link http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2012/10/23/the-dinner-party/ and see the obscenities Sgaron encourages Wow to.

At wwhich point you will, if honest, retract your comments and acknowledge how the eco-Nazis rely on insults becase the flith have nothing better - as every single "environmentalist" on "scienceblogs" with any slightest sgred of perosnal decency has already done (you can also check out how many that is).

Wow I have bever at any time said anmything remotely insulting about you, you obscene lying, child murdering Nazi animal.

By Neil Craig (not verified) on 29 Nov 2012 #permalink

Whaaaaambulance for Neil Craig. Whaaaambulance for you.

You're a festering old fool who thinks that because the times have moved on, this somehow is because you're being "victimised".

Sod off.

You're just a whining little evil sod with delusions of adequacy.

As I suspected Hazel turns out to be a hypocritical lying Nazi as well otherwise she would have disociated herself from the obscene Wow.

So still not a single person in the entire eco-Nazi movement, by now not just across "scienceblogs" , who posseses the remotest trace of honesty or decency or indeed feels their case can survive honest debate. Quel surprise.

By Neil Craig (not verified) on 03 Dec 2012 #permalink