Prospective students: Welcome to Encephalon U!


Greetings, prospective students and parents!

I'll be your tour guide today as we explore the mind-opening campus of Encephalon U, one of the most esteemed liberal arts colleges in the nation. As you know, Encephalon U's admission requirements are extremely strict, so I certainly hope you've already taken the SAT Test. Did you realize that some of the world's foremost research on the SAT has been conducted here on our own campus, by Professors Munger and Orzel. Of course, Munger and Orzel have differing opinions on the results. While Orzel believes they demonstrate that high school students have superior writing skills to bloggers, Munger argues that the results may be biased, and the blogging is associated with superior writing skills compared to not blogging at all. We encourage that sort of reasoned argument here at E.U. -- that's just part of the free academic spirit that makes this a great place to blow $150,000 spend your most formative years.

Once you are admitted to E.U., we'll support you all the way through your college career, or at least until you've emptied your trust fund. Dr. Vaughan Bell has created a helpful list of all the sites you'll need to use as a student. You'll want to bookmark that list and return frequently throughout your years at Old 'Cephy, as the alums like to call our institution.

Now, parents, I'd like to ask you to head over to the library while I talk with your kids about the social activities here at E.U. Activity Coordinator Shelly Batts has the lowdown on the party scene at E.U., which, I can assure, always involves copious quantities of nicotine and alcohol. And if you're worried that all those cigarettes will cause cancer, don't worry, because Ms. Batts is also our pre-med counselor, and she assures you that the effects of chemotherapy are like one big party, clouding your brain as effectively as three shots of peach schnapps.

Ah, I see the parents have returned -- and just in time to tour our literature department! Here's professor Jeremy Dean, fresh out of class. He's just lectured students about the psychological bent of author J.G. Ballard.

Moving on to neurobiology, I'd like to point out that professor Neurophilosopher has just finished an extensive -- and fascinating -- monograph on the visual structure of fruitfly eyes. Not only does this research explain the structure of the eye, but it also demonstrates how the eye may have evolved.

As you might expect, E.U. is most renowned for its study the human brain. Our neuroscience department is the largest in the world, and you'll always find fascinating interchanges among the faculty. Today, for example, Professor Sandy G is discussing two studies which involve fMRIs of participants attempting the Stroop task, identifying two separate mental processes underlying the task.

Down the hall, Professor Rhoades is examining key questions on how cells develop in the brain.

Finally, across the way, Dr. Galbi ponders the relationship between language recognition and the actual perception of the items being described. Fascinating stuff.

Well, folks, there's just one more stop on our tour. We didn't want you to leave with the impression that E.U. is just about studying, smoking, and drinking. We also have an active extracurricular life. For example, take a look at the offices of Avant News, our campus satire magazine. Their latest article is about how the human brain is only capable of a finite number of thoughts. Ha! If that was true, then we'd be out of business!

At least I hope it's satire... it is satire, isn't it?

P.S.: The next edition of Encephalon will be at Migrations on October 23. Get those submissions ready -- it'll be here before you know it.


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