Burn Down the Rainforest , You Hippy Tree Hugger

This week's Ask A ScienceBlogger is about the rainforest:

The destruction of the rainforest was a hot-button topic in the early '90s, but I haven't heard anything about it in ages. Are the rainforests still being destroyed wholesale? Are they all gone? Is it still important? Is the coffee I drink making it worse, and is "free trade" and/or "shade grown" coffee any better?

Yes, the rainforests are all gone. Every last one of them. Burnt to the ground by the military industrial complex. Because they hate hippies. Damn hippies. And atheists. And evolutionists Darwinists. And it's because of your coffee. You see, for every cup of coffee you drink, five rainforests are burnt to the ground. And that doesn't count milk or sugar. Better drink your coffee black. Every bean in your coffee is driven up from Columbia in the passenger seat of a Hummer. And each Hummer is given a five Hummer escort. And the harvest is done in Hummers. One bean at a time. A farmer drives 50 miles to pick a bean, drives back to his ranch, drops the bean into the collection bin, and then goes back out to pick another bean. And the fields are sprayed with aerosol cans loaded with CFCs. Just for the hell of it. Because they want your coffee to destroy the rainforest. Because you, them, and us want to destroy the rainforest. In fact, we destroyed it so good that it's all gone. Goodbye rainforest. Wave goodbye! Show some respect for the damn rainforest.

Note: The author of this post knows nothing about the rainforest, coffee, or hippies. If you take this post seriously, you're a fucking moron.