PZ Myers vs. Chuck Norris

"PZ Myers destroyed the Periodic Table of the Elements because he only recognizes the Element of Crapping on Creationists.... "

The "Z" in PZ stands for Z, not Zoroaster.

"Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror."

vs.

"PZ Myers does not "style" his hair. Period."

"Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops."

But...

PZ Myers uses squid for eyes. In that example about the evolution of the eye.

PZ's zebrafish can model (and thereby help cure) cancer. Too bad he never cries.

Submitted via email:

... Norris's power lies in his ability to kick you in the face with his feet -- but Myers does it with the power of his mind.

That and the laser eyes.

Chuck Norris needs two words to be identified. PZ does it in two letters.

Chuck Norris kicks ass for Jesus,

BUT

PZ Myers kicks Jesus's ass.

Chuck Norris can beat things up. But PZ Myers proves they don't exist!

Chuck has been kicked in the head at least 100 times. PZ far fewer.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Vs.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, PZ Myers instead decided to rusty nail his way out of his mother's womb. PZ was born with a beard.

Chuck Norris's mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers' mission is to free the saved world.

Chuck Norris being an outspoken Christian has only one enemy he cannot defeat, PZ Myers in his Eucharist studded armor.

PZ says, "I think this is a case where the black-and-white simplifications of a creationist mind do a far better job of generating catch-phrases than we etiolated intellectual elitists can."

Gauntlet. Thrown.

-Creationists pay royalties to PZ whenever he reviews one of their crap books.
-PZ knows the square root of negative one. (Okay, and in that vein, Diogenes of Sinope was looking for him, it rains in California when PZ is there, Bigfoot used to be "Bighead" until PZ came along, and PZ messes with Texas.)
-AGCT and U are reducible to PZ.
-PZ gets more hate letters than Ken Ham gets applause.

These are fun.

Yeah, he's not quite cartoonish enough for Chuck Norris-style facts.

Honestly, if we're going to get into folktales, an Anansi or Coyote model would be much better than the Paul Bunyanesque Chuck Norris Facts.

In the time it takes you to read this, PZ Myers will have evolved another penis.

Life begins when PZ Myers classifies it.

PZ Myers naturally selected your sister last night. Twice.

PZ Myers will reduce the complexity of your face if you don't STFU.

Chuck Norris prays to crackers; PZ Myers chucks prayers into his crack.

The Cambrian explosion originated in PZ Myers' khakis.

PZ Myers shits Higgs bosons.

Abiogenesis got started when PZ Myers traveled back through time and spit into a puddle.

Jesus wasn't crucified - he died when PZ Myers talked him into swallowing his own tongue.

Jesus rose from the dead three days later when PZ Myers gave him a transfusion of his own blood. PZ Myers let Him live as a test for atheists.

Chuck Norris was a failed experiment to clone PZ Myers.

Chuck Norris is a God-fearing man.

God is a PZ Myers-fearing diety.

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
PZ Myers improved it.

Chuck Norris know the last digit of PI.
PY Myers, the last atom of the ribosome.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts". PZ Myers religious being as "a sociable holder for arrogance and denialism".

Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
PZ Myers improved it.

Chuck Norris know the last digit of PI.
PY Myers, the last atom of the ribosome.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts". PZ Myers religious being as "a sociable holder for arrogance and denialism".

OK,

Chuck Norris and PZ Myers walk into a bar...

Chuck Norris is so tough he can survive a direct hit by lightning.

On the other hand, he can be laid low mentally by a Christian fairy story.

Which proves that, if you think every problem has a physical solution and you never have to learn to develop your own independent mind, even the toughest guys can be turned into willing slaves of medieval churchy shaman-wimps.

PZ Myers, on the other hand, is not only smart enough to stay out of the rain, but is also immune to religion. In the modern world, THAT's the definition of a strong man.

If placed in Schrodinger's experiment, both PZ Myers live but God dies.

Just saying PZ Myers' name can heal wounds caused by Dick Cheney's shotgun.

The "demon" in Laplace's demon and Maxwell's demon? PZ Myers.

Not only does God not exist, all of us are merely figments of PZ Myers' imagination.

(The Schrodinger's experiment one is a riff from a 'Sarah Palin fact.')

Quite frankly, Wil Wheaton is a better foil for this humour meme.

http://thisistheonlylieiwillevertell.blogspot.com/2008/09/10-unknown-fa…

Walker, Texas Ranger.

Myers, Sotan Professor.

Heh. Sorry, original post was so lame that it doesn't deserve effort.

Chuck Norris is God, and PZ thoroughly desecrated his body. He declined to bite it, though. Can't say I blame him for that. I mean, look at THAT beard.

When the going gets tough, Chuck Norris calls in his stunt double.

PZ Myers is his own stunt double.

Natural selection isn't random. It checks with PZ to make sure it's choosing well.

Damn, this is harder than it looks.

Chuck Norris: Abs of steel
PZ: Abs of... beer?

Chuck Norris has only two legs to dispense his own brand of justice. PZ Myers has EIGHT.

I believe someone can find a good variation of:

PZ Myers used to believe in God... until he killed Him.

There really was a god, until PZ Myers came along and unbelieved hard enough.

etc.

As I posted at Pharyngula:

Chuck Norris sells jeans. PZ knows genes.

HappyKiwi wins so far.

......and let's not forget the two tentacles!

PZ's world is intelligently designed. Chuck Norris's isn't. Ironic, huh?

In this world, Chuck Norris can eat calamari.

In PZ's world, the calamari can eat Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris fights evolution in a martial-arts kind of way by using scientists' own words against them!

PZ Meyers fights creationism in an intellectual kind of way by using those same words -- but he knows what they mean!

yeah, kiwi's was the best so far :)

Chuck consumes the Eucharist so he can continue to nail his enemies. PZ nails the Eucharist to consume his enemies.

If you make Chuck Norris mad, he'll hit you. If you make PZ Meyers mad, he'll feed you to Cthulhu who will devour your body but preserve your brain in an endless nightmare for all eternity.

Chuck Norris believes that christians will float off into the sky and vanish in the Rapture. PZ Myers WISHES christians would float off into the sky and vanish, but he knows better.

When Chuck Norris went to the doctor and the doctor told him he had dyspepsia, Chuck Norris hit his knees and started praying. When the doctor told PZ Myers he had dyspepsia, PZ just took a tums and went home.

The latest thing Chuck Norris has done is to campaign for a crazy young earth creationist. The latest thing PZ Myers has done is make several hundred million catholics all crap themselves in apoplectic rage.

PZ Meyers is God's name spelled backwards.

Chuck Norris exports pain. PZ just evolved the ability to ignore his pain receptors.

PZ's has pieces of Chuck Norris in his beard, left over from lunch.

Myers performed Scrödingers experiment. When he opened the box, the cat was alive.Pz then proceeded to strangle the cat screaming, "Dont fuck with my expectations!".

PZ Myers drank Jesus blood. Literally.

Children check their closets for the boogeyman, the boogyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris and all other creationists check their closets for PZ Meyers.

PZ challenged God to a fight and won by default.

Chuck Norris challenged Bruce Lee to a fight and, well...

Chuck Norris eats crackers.

PZ Myers enrages an entire denomination when he doesn't eat
their cracker.

Chuck Norris's mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers' mission is to free the saved world.

OK, thread is over. We have a winner.

and PZ messes with Texas.

ROTFL!!!

Chuck Norris exercises his ass while PZ Myers proves Norris is one.

PZ Myers and Chuck Norris met on a street. Chuck bellows how tough he is, growls, and looks menacing. PZ says "let's see how hard you can punch". PZ holds his hand in front of a brick wall and says "punch my hand". Chuck punches PZ's hand with all his might, unfortunately, PZ's hand is no longer there. PZ waits for Chuck to finish sucking on his knuckles... "Wow, you are really tough"!

A while later, Chuck runs into Jackie Chan who says "I heard you ran into PZ Myers" A smirk crosses Chuck's face, he looks around for a wall, but there are is none in sight. Chuck holds his hand in front of his nose "punch my hand".

PZ Myers nor Chuck Norris can act.

Chuck norris may be able to fight squid, but PZ can control them with his mind!

Cthulhu has nightmares about PZ.

Both Chuck and PZ were swallowed by a whale. Chuck fought valiantly to get out of the whale's belly for three hours then prayed for another three, all to no avail. Finally, PZ put aside the papers he was grading, stood up and tickled the whale's gag reflex. He then turned to his exausted rival and asked, "Elevator up, Chuck?"

PZ Myers' small intestine is so highly evolved he can shoot it out of his bellybutton and strangle his opponents with his "intentacle"!

What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris and PZ Myers?

Truth that hurts.

Chuck Norris can put the fear of God into you with a roundhouse kick.

PZ Myers can remove that fear with a zebrafish.

Chuck has all the brains his god gave him.

PZ has a brain.

Chuck is Gay! Way too macho for normal heterosexuality.

PZ Myers challenged Chuck Norris into a fight. PZ won. How?

In theory.

...

It is just a hypothesis.

PZ Myers knows there's no God, he knows because he put God on an Eucharist and ate him.

PZ can sequence a Zebrafish genome just by looking at it.

PZ made all the Catholic priests celibate just to get them out of the gene pool.

PZ invented evolution because he didn't want to have to design everything.

Global warming is man made, but it's not from carbon, it's just PZ getting steamed at creationists.

PZ and Dawkins once walked into a church, and deconverted a fringe religion.

OK,
Chuck Norris and PZ Myers walk into a bar...

But PZ's smart enough to duck.

No Contest

I just posted this over at Pharyngula and thought I'd repeat it here in case I'd missed offending someone:

--------------

No offense, but you scientists are such...scientists. How is "rational mammalian biped" and even more egregious nerdism going to convince the Chuck Norris fan belt that PZ is a worthy challenger? I'm not saying my contribution is brilliant, but I'd expect it to have some general appeal. Tell you what...you scientists keep explaining us to ourselves and saving the world, and we English academics (who may not be good for much else) will try and make the message marketable. Here's a limerick:

"Eulogy for Chuck Norris"

Now let us all pray for Chuck Norris (creationist),
Who crusaded for God 'gainst the humanist atheist.
Braving hell's hottest fires,
He attacked the beast Myers,
But PZ was the best confrontationist.

God is dead. PZ Myers killed him.

Not a fair fight, Chuck Norris is a mere 6000 years old, no match for a full grown man in his billions.

God does not exist and PZ Meyers is his prophet.

That would be conphet.

Believers don't write their god's name as G-d or Yhwh out of respect; it's because he commented on Pharyngula once, and PZ permanently disemvoweled him.

PZ Myers didn't evolve, Evolution PZ Myered.

(or PZ Myersed... but it doesn't have the same ring to it... unfortunately)

Chuck Norris had faith

PZ destroyed it

Chuck Norris has an internet meme named after him...

PZ Myers has a comet named after him...

Chuck Norris puts the fear of God into gullible Christians who unquestionably believe in God...

but

PZ Myers puts the fear of no God into gullible Christians who unquestionably believe in God.

Chuck Norris will be in any terrible movie he's offered...

but...

you have to lie to get PZ Myers into just a single terrible movie. (Expelled)

Chuck Norris the skull cracker meets his match: PZ Myers the god cracker!

The Romans needed two nails to harm Jesus, PZ did it with one

Chuck Norris can beat down the forces of evil with kicks and chops.

PZ Myers can do it without even touching them.

---

Chuck Norris does kicks in bad movies.

PZ Myers gets kicked out of bad movies.

---

PZ Myers called Chuck Norris a furless chimp. Then he proved it was true.

---

Chuck Norris trashes fake bad guys in movies.

PZ Myers trashes fake Gods in reality.

PZ Myers is capable of transforming into a gargantuan, many-tentacled monstrosity that devours all who would oppose him. He doesn't do this though, because that wouldn't be any kind of rational argument.

PZ Myers doesn't trim his beard. PZ Myers pounds the whiskers into his cheeks with a hammer and bites off the ends on the inside.

Chuck Norris uses a hair stylist.

Chuck Norris uses an axe to trim his beard. (He also admires it for its superior intelligence).

PZ uses his own wit to trim his beard.

PZ Myers' beard trims itself when it is not busy beating up Chuck Norris' beard.

PZ Myers' beard IS Chuck Norris's beard, ripped from Norris's face with PZ Myers' x-ray squid vision and transplanted.

"PZ Myers" is an anagram of "Chuck Norris" using multidimensional squid decoder ring encoding

If Chuck Norris THINKS about harming PZMyers, the Earth will swallow him up where he stands, because PZ Earth's friend.