When confronted with job ads like this, is it any wonder that people give up on their job searches?
Highly competitive postdoctoral position available in the Department of Evolutionary Biology at [name elided]. Applicant must hold a PhD in molecular biology or evolutionary biology with a cumulative grad and undergrad GPA of 4.0. Graduates of MIT or Stanford preferred. Minimum ten years' postdoc experience required, the candidate must also possess an IQ of 160, perfect spelling and grammar, and be prepared to write a 150-page "demo" grant application describing why you want to work for us. Must be fluent in Spanish, Chinese, Arabic and Finnish as well as having a keen knowledge of Excel, Powerpoint and Access. In fact, you should be prepared to demonstrate that you have mastered every piece of software on the market. Candidate must pass background and credit checks, as well as drug and alcohol tests. Excellent health required -- and you will be required pass a stringent physical exam. Must be a motivated, passionate self-starter with excellent "lab hands" and people skills, combined with the ability to think outside of the box. Automatic disqualifiers: gap(s) in employment history, use of curse words, ACLU membership, keeping a messy lab bench.
The successful candidate should expect to attend 20 individual interviews, including one all-day panel interview with the entire research group, pay for your own parking, and buy lunch and snacks for everyone in our research group.
Compensation: $10/hour, 10-15 hours a week with the possibility of increasing to 20 hours per week if you're exceptionally good. No more than that, though, or we may have to start paying you some benefits.
Please send letter of interest, CV, and 15 letters of recommendation to;
[contact information removed]
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Gah, I hope that's an impression, rather than an actual job posting. It would please my parents to know that Animation is actually a better-paying job than biological sciences.
Sadly, I have seen some very similar ads. Nice touches to get it all rolled into one though.
People with qualifications like that don't have to look in job listings.
You're right, Karl: they don't need to look for job postings, mostly because their careers started when their parents rocketed them from the dying planet Krypton.
"keen knowledge of Excel, Powerpoint and Access"
I would rephrase it: "Must be proficient in C, C++, Fortran, Basic, Pascal, Perl, Python, MySQL, PHP, html, and the language our last postdoc came up with that no one else on earth knows how to code. Oh, and any other language we left off the list."
Oh, and any other language we left off the list.
Such as Matlab, Mathematica, IDL, IRAS, C#, Java, Javascript, Flash, Director, and whatever they're using for the TI graphing calculators these days. If it's a teaching postdoc, must also be able to use PPT blinking graphics inappropriately, WebCT, Vista, Blackboard, LCD projectors (must own both PC and Mac laptops to fit all circumstances), overheads, dry erase boards, chalk boards, and finger-paint on an easel.
Finnish? Way too easy. Latvian, Estonian and Lithuanian!
Is it any wonder good law schools are overwhelmed with applications? I looked at going on to a Ph.D. in paleontology while a junior in college and took the GRE but decided on three years in law school: no dissertation, a definite date for completing my studies, no need to learn a modern language (I took Latin because of no language lab and no conversational proficiency required), no need to ruin my senior year of college with more math, chemistry and physics, and, of course, law school is taught in standard English (so no math or "hard" science or computer programming at the graduate level as I would have encountered in geology graduate studies), and it was not even difficult to reach the decision.
I've heard that most employers only expect to find candidates who match 80% of the listed requirements, but with a list like this . . . yikes! (Also, did I miss the "must walk on water" part?)
and, of course, law school is taught in standard English
Which, of course, is the very last time lawyers use standard English in any form...(grin).
There is always this job. Just looking out for you!
Douglas; that is hilarious! i wonder if they pay the successful candidate's relocation costs?
HELP WANTED
Laboratory assistant needed for unique biomedical research project. The successful candidate will be skilled in such diverse fields as operating room technique, flute playing, medical school burglary and fending off villagers and be accustomed to working at heights. Knowledge of high-voltage wiring is a plus. Some digging, climbing, carting and heavy lifting required.
Unsavory appearance and demeanor, an ugly Mittel-European sounding name, harsh accent and ghastly cackling laugh are essential. Hunchbacks preferred.
Call [contact information removed], ask for "the Doctor".