Like a Moth to a Flame

The majority of male science bloggers just write about science?

What a strange idea. I wonder how they came upon that idea?

From what I've seen male sciences bloggers have a greater tendency to pontificate about politics, religion and other non-science topics than the female science bloggers.

I think of the scientist blogs I regularly read, Tara's has the lowest proportion of non-science posts, followed by Zuska's and this one. I don't think I know of any female scientist bloggers who have as high a proportion of non-science posts as Mike or PZ (both blogs I love, but who tend to write a lot of posts which are only indirectly related to science.) My sample size pretty small, but for what it's worth it does not agree with the notion that female science bloggers write about science less than male science bloggers do.

In any case, the assertion is nothing more than a pitiful attempt to leverage an unjust sexist stereotype to attack YFS; the implication is that because she's female, she's somehow, surely, less of a scientist, and, likewise, much more prone to 'whine' about co-workers. (Among other symptoms, note the kook-like capitalization of 'FEMALE'.)

Grrrlscientist, I think the attitude that you have (tolerating abuse because of "love") is precisely why there is abuse in the first place. If everyone had a zero tolerance for abuse, there wouldn't be any. Not in science, and not in relationships. Most people don't need to use abuse as part of their strategy for getting people to either stay in a relationship, or to work long hours for minimal reward. However, they tolerate others using abuse as part of their strategy. Why is really complicated. I think it has to do with the same things that cause Stockholm Syndrome. Being abusive is one way to get people to bond to you. I think that is why abuse is a part of just about every "training" program such as boot camp, residency, being a postdoc, and is responsible for most hazing. When a relationship is highly asymmetric in terms of power, one thing that the "weaker" person can always provide is being an object of abuse. If that gets them things that they "need", more than not being abused, (such as food and shelter), in an abstract sense it is a good "trade".

But that is not a way to get good science done, or a way to grow children into strong and healthy adults.

But... but it's all just text! We're just brains here in internet land. Once I had high hopes that this explosion of text-only communications would break down gender divisions, just leave people talking to people. Sigh.

I think I must have failed to develop an important part of my brain - some kind of gender-bias-gland. That my number one indentifier as a human happens to be my potential role in procreation is utterly, utterly baffling to me. Surely your sex is relevant only to prospective sexual partners and, occasionally, your doctor. Why anyone would give a flying crap about the naughty bits of the person who typed the text they're reading or who thought of the idea they're discussing is beyond me.

If we have different names for boys and girls, we should also have different names for smart people, and hard working people, and kind ones, and generous ones, witty ones, honest ones, because all of these are at least as important to a person's personality as gender.

...and I know it doesn't matter, because (in my experience) on forums where people use gender-neutral names, and where topics are such that gender is rarely an issue, people's guesses about the other posters' sex are almost completely random. About half get mine wrong.

So... rant off. Sorry. Dunno why that's such a bee in my bonnet.

Regarding large gaps: I've had one of those, was even homeless for a while, but I got back onto the hamster wheel. If you need to build up some happy monies, just pick a rapid growth industry - qualifications suddenly matter a lot less than the ability to use your head for more than filling hats. That gets you back in the good books, which lets you move onwards and upwards, and you get some of that stuff that pays bills.

Remember that you can always use the work computers to spam job applications everywhere in the field you actually want. Never stop looking for something better.

But I sometimes think that my love for science is a pathological manifestation of "battered woman/wife syndrome" where I am in love with a man who is emotionally distant and who abuses me psychologically, emotionally and financially -- yet I am helpless, I am trapped: I return for more. Like a moth to a flame.

Grrl, please, please don't ever compare your love of science to the battered woman syndrome. There simply is no comparison. How is "science" abusing you in any way? Your love for science is your love for knowledge and exploring what you are fascinated with. That is a whole different thing than the mind fuck that happens when someone you love abuses you. I realize you are being somewhat facetious in saying this nonetheless, I feel it is a bad comparison and greatly discounts your passion for knowledge.

But on the other hand, I have to be realistic: no one in their right mind will ever hire me to do anything considering the huge gap in my employment history. Hell, I can't even get a job as a part-time bartender, which wouldn't even come close to keeping me housed, and I certainly have been astonishingly unsuccessful during the past few years (won't say how many) at getting a job doing anything. And worse, after everything I've experienced, I am not sure I could ever again hold a 9-5 job.

There are a lot of us, for varying reasons, who cannot hold a 9-5 job. I am one. Out of desperation to try and save a failing marriage, I tried a stint as a truck driver after having little success in computer graphics for games - the field I love and am very well trained and qualified for. I am teaming up with my longest and best friend to start a small company doing small jobs for independent filmmakers and the "straight to video" crowd. There is no getting hired into a large animation or effects house for me for many of the same reasons you have including your bipolar disorder. You have not mentioned this but, the reality is, people with severe bipolar disorder do have a very hard time with regular employment. There is too much stress, too much stimulation, and too much "people contact" to make such an environment a healthy place to be. It is a real disability and you should not discount this as an issue.

I am starting a new relationship with a wonderful and beautiful woman who also has pretty severe bipolar disorder. She is unable to work beyond a part-time dog walking gig due in part to the meds she takes but also, due to her inability to handle too much stress or too much "multi-channel" stimulus - something I am all too familiar with with my mild autism.

I don't have any good answers for you on this. I fight it as well and so far have not had much success. I am really hoping that this small venture with my long-time friend and this new relationship with this beautiful, kind, gentle soul I have met will work for me; the partnership with my friend because we work very well together and have very similar "eyes" as far as design and animation are concerned; the new relationship because she is someone to love who is a lot like me in many ways and fights many of the same kinds of issues that I do making her someone who truly "gets" me and whom I "get" more than anybody I have ever met before. We can be strong for each other and give each other the TLC we both need. I do know that on both ends, I am going to give it all that I have.

My point to all this is simply, don't give up. Don't despair. I know how hard it is but, it is doable. It is critical that you do continue to pursue what you love, the one thing that makes you truly happy. I know how hard it is to see solutions when you are feeling so negative, I've been there but, solutions are out there - the best ones often being the ones you create for yourself.

This is just a thought but, I noticed you are not a PhD (Am I correct about this?). Have you considered going for your PhD? Someone in your position should be able to find grants and scholarships as well as other aid that would allow to you go back to school. Also, being stuck. alone, in a crap apartment in NYC is not very conducive to good mental health. There are few environments I can think of that are more detrimental to your situation than the one you are in.

Take care.

Jeff

OK. I just put my foot in my mouth. You are a PhD. Right there in the upper left in your profile section. Sorry about that.

--JK--

Thinking of Moths to a Flame.

Your blog is the first, OK sometimes the second, blog I visit everyday. Need my fix of Grrlscientist :o).

I don't agree with everything you say; but your love of animals shines through and brightens my life.