Career. Family. Relationship.
Are you pretty much where you thought you'd be five years ago? Ten years ago? Would the person you were ten years ago recognize the person you are now?
As for myself, I can say without reservation that I am nowhere close to where I thought I'd be five years ago. Ditto for ten years ago.
Basically, I thought I'd be a respected professional scientist who was pursuing tenure right now, doing research on the evolution and phylogeny of parrots in the South Pacific, and teaching at a respectable university. I thought I'd be a contributing member of my community, as I started out to be. I also thought that I would have a "special someone" in my life by now, that I'd be surrounded by admiring friends and students, and that I'd be working with flock of parrots again, as I had done for so many years.
However, none of those things have happened for me. In fact, if anyone had suggested that I'd be barely surviving in a barren existence without my beloved career, unemployed, suffering from a serious mental illness and only seven months out from a very long stay in a psychiatric hospital, and absolutely alone in the world, I would have laughed at them. Preposterous! Surely not me! Further, I would have been surprised to know that I would have almost succeeded at killing myself (my one year anniversary is tomorrow, in fact) -- something I thought I'd never even consider doing after I'd earned my PhD.
If anyone would have suggested such a future for me, I would have thought they were insane, and I would have simply been too astonished to react. But unfortunately, I am living proof that real life happens to those who work hard to achieve their goals. I am living proof that the best laid plans will go awry, even for those who are not afraid to commit themselves to that risky task of pursuing their dreams.
In short, the person I was ten years ago would never recognize the me that I am today. I am a complete stranger unto myself.
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I am very sorry that you have not achieved things you hoped and strove for. I really appreciate and admire the unstinting honesty and adept writing of your blog, and wish you the best at achieving whatever new goals you may have set for yourself.
While I have acheived some of things I planned 10 years ago I have not acheived all and very few of the things I dreamt of when in university. However when my oldest son was born, way back in 1984, I used to sing Lennon's Beautiful Boy to him and realized that the line "Life is just what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" pretty much covered things. I try to enjoy what I have, good and bad, and find that I can take pleasure or enjoyment out of the things that actually happen even when they are not the things I wanted or expected to happen.
I hope that your thinking on your "anniversary" includes the many wonderful and beautiful things you have shared on this blog and that you receive from readers. I am glad you decided to stick around and I hope you do achieve your goals and, if not, that you can find happiness and purpose in the attempt. This is the only life we have so let's make the best of it.
I'm pretty much where you are. Haven't acheived what I thought I could and wouldn't recognize myself.
I've read your blog for a few months and have enjoyed it very much. I'm a recently-milled PhD as well. Just wanted you to know there's folks out here that enjoy what you do. At least you've made a positive contribution to the distribution of knowledge, something that's sorely needed today.
The person I was at 21 would not have believed that severe depression would render me unemployed for up to 12 months at a time, would not have believed I would be so angry and upset with console (PS2, xbox, gamecube, etc) game development that I would refuse to work in that field for years, would not have believed that going to back to finish college would be harder the second time than doing it the first time ... I could go on and on. The person I am now would be unrecognizable to the person I was then.
Gosh. Ten years ago. August 1997. My first marriage had melted down completely and been severed a couple weeks before. I was working at a nasty little body shop of a defense contractor. It was before the string of suicides that would rock my world and send me into massive depression that would take me years to get out of.
It would be plausible to my past self who I am today, but not the route that I got here. :)
Hang in there - another 5 or 10 years may find you in a better, if unexpected, place. Chronic moderate depression held me back for many years; after a more severe episode I finally got treatment. I'm not where I might have wanted to be, but the place I've landed is a good one. I'm support staff in a science department where I'm respected and appreciated (not the case in every university, I know from experience!). I continue to take biology classes; I may never even get so much as a Master's degree, but I enjoy the education and the relationships I have with the faculty.
Your blog is a wonderful contribution to scienceblogs, and deeply appreciated by me and your other readers.
I've recently discovered your blog and I've enjoyed reading it. I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gone according to plan for you. I can empathise to an extent with your experiences - if I could go back five years, I don't think the 'me' I am today would have been what I could possibly have anticipated. I hope that you can find a way to wherever you want to be.
Hmm... ten years ago I was a teenager. I thought I would be dead or happy by now, not this tame person, flucuating between total defeat and slim hope.
When I am not usuing much of my energy to battle depression, I think more clearly: My teen self didn't know how much worse (and better) it would get. I find that thinking in terms of how my former self would view now-me is just a reciepe for sadness.
I hope you continue to fight. I love your writing and your obvious enthusiasm for animals. If I read back in the archives, will I learn anymore about your breakdown?