Here's something I've wanted to try for a while now. It'll either be wildly successful and popular, along the lines of You Might Be an Altie If..., or it'll be an utter failure, sinking into oblivion. Which one it ends up being will be up to you, O faithful readers of Your Friday Dose of Woo. The beauty of blogging, of course, is that if it fails next week I can pretend that it never happened and move on to (hopefully) greener pastures, my utter humiliation at publishing crap quickly forgotten, except, of course, living forever on the web.There are two other reasons that today is the perfect day to try this. First, it's the very first day of Year Two of Your Friday Dose of Woo (or Year Two of Woo, for short). Second, I'm out of town. Thursday was really busy, and I didn't get back to the hotel until late. Fortunately, I had started this little (again, I hope) gem before, and it now requires only a short period of time to finish. OK, it's a bit of laziness, but I hope it's fun laziness that engages you and lets you have a lot of fun.
So what, dear readers, is this audience participation? Simple. You see, after a whole year of doing this pretty much every week, I think I've been steeped in so much woo that, now when I read it I have a tendency to think one thing: I could do better. (OK, I'm not sure that I could do better than Life Technology, Lionel Milgrom, or the DNA Activation guy, but I think you have to be seriously disturbed to outdo that woo.) In fact, I have every confidence that, between you and me, we can give it a good try.
So, here's what we're going to do. Imagine, if you will, the most awesome woo that you can think of. Then chime in on this thread to tell everyone what it is, how it works, and what it can do, building on my start and on what your fellow cravers of that Respectfully Insolent⢠thing that Orac does. The woo-ier, the better, the more sincere-sounding, the better. If you want inspiration, just go back and peruse some of the victims--I mean subjects--of previous Your Friday Dose of Woo installments, or just peruse the Life Technology or Bio-Resonance websites . What I may do in a future installment, assuming this works, is to take your responses, plus whatever inspiration I can come up with, and weave them into One Woo To Rule Them All. As you add to this project of woo, imagine yourself as Deepak Chopra on steroids (a truly scary thought!) and forget about all notions you might have of evidence-based medicine or that nasty materialistic science.
The sad thing is, if I posted it without irony, there's probably someone out there who would think I was serious. In fact, I may post a link to the CureZone discussion boards when I'm done and see if anyone takes it seriously.
So, let's get started. The name of the product is the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser. And this is what it can do.
The ancients understood that all life is in harmony. That is because it resonates with all other life, and this life force infuses us all. Modern allopathic medicine has lost sight of this basic fact and no longer understands which is why it can only treat the symptoms of the patient, rather than the whole person. The source of all disease is contamination that interferes with the resonance between a person's qi and the universal consciousness. Only through detoxification and resonating with the music of the spheres, the inaudible higher frequencies of the cosmos that affect all life on earth can true healing be achieved. Fortunately, we have been given access to the ancient writings of the greatest healers of all time, which we combined with the best that modern science has to offer, further inspired by Christian Friedrich Samuel Hahnemann's concept of similia similibus curentur or 'let likes cure likes,' here at Respectful Insolence we have developed for you--yes, you!--the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser.
Your turn...let 'er rip! You've had a year of the most amazing woo out there. Let's see how much of it you've absorbed. Let's show these woo-meisters what real woo is! Feel free to suggest additional products. After all, if Life Technology can have a dozen or so amazing products, having a few good ones in this nascent project isn't too much to expect!
Great idea, but I suspect no matter how silly our ideas are we're probably surpassed by dozens of "genuine" claims out there. I wouldn't be at all surprised either if an insane product from here turns out to already be on sale by someone. Oh well, I might throw in a suggestion later if I have time.
Ah, Resonating Magnetics have a spot close to my heart. Is the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser compatible with my iPod? As a physicist, I can promise you the key with using magnetic resonance for DNA activation is making sure that the Colon Cleanser shares the same resonant frequency as the negative thought waves associated with your particular disease.
Live the virus that language is, even just reading about your wonderful new woo has caused the spontaneous voiding of my bowels. I feel throughly cleansed and must now see to the cleansing of my poor carpet.
You forgot the all-important claim of suppression! "The powerful gastroenterologists' lobby will never admit that the OQGHDARMCC makes their treatments obsolete. They may even have its practitioners prosecuted for fraud, even though these selfless individuals have devoted their careers to your intestinal tract."
You need a reference to a real scientific theory that used to be taken seriously but was overturned. (I recommend phlogiston.) You can even claim the theory was suppressed by a Sinister Conspiracy.
Use of the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser has been proven through a show of hands to improve ones ability to absorb information while focusing ones Chi through meditation with any of our Pastors at the First Church of Appliantology. Guaranteed to bring you satisfaction and well being in your health, mind, energy, third eye and three card monty. Not only will the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser bring you to new levels of inner peace, you will also now be in perfect harmonic resonance with the universal life force and the vibration of life.
Have doubts? If you visit our website you can read dozens of personal recountings of the inner peace that our practitioners have experienced. We have completed more than 3 studies on this group that proves the truth of the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser.
The Karmic Orichalcum Razor
As the Buddha once said, "Thoughts manifest in words; words manifest in deeds; deeds become habit; and habit hardens into character." It has long been recognized that the key to vigorous health is a positive and self-affirming state of mind. For too many people, though, negative energy (bad karma) keeps them mired in a state of negativity, poisoning their mind and body with discordant vibration. That's why we developed the Karmic Orichalcum Razor! These unique razors are hand-crafted from a proprietary alloy of copper, iron, and silver carefully blended to recreate the famed Atlantean metal "Orichalcum" and then psychically tempered in 600-year old Tibetan prayer bells infused with centuries of positive karma. The Karmic Orichalcum Razor removes impurities from the skin every time you shave, while imparting good karma to restore the vibrational integrity of your energy field. The end result: a peaceful and positive mind, a positive self-image, an end to destructive habits, and more vigorous health than you've ever experienced!
Order now, and you will receive a free Orichalcum Energy Pyramid, crafted from the same special alloy as our Karmic Orichalcum Razor. The Orichalcum Energy Pyramid is specially designed to amplify the karmic vibrations of our Karmic Orichalcum Razors, keeping both the blade edge and its psychic tempering potent for a month or longer.
Looks like I'm the first to come up with something, so let's keep it relatively simple. Further commenters can feel free to expand on it and add in other wooey aspects. I now present to you:
Quantum Astrology
Astrology has long been an accepted means of predicting future events. However, a plausible mechanism for its function has been difficult to find. With the recent advances in Quantum Mechanics, this has changed. Quantum Mechanics states that all objects are in a state of perpetual uncertainty, broken only by moments when they're observed and collapse into certain results. Without this observation, nothing would ever collapse, so it follows that human minds are tied into the Quantum Field.
With its omnipresence above us, it's no surprise that the sky plays a large role in the human psyche. At night, we see it in much more detail, though the stars and planets are still there - if invisible - during the day. When humans observe these stars and planets, their archetypes are imprinted on the Quantum Field. The concepts humans associate with them (war with Mars, etc.) are parts of these archetypes. This also extends to the position of the sun relative to constellations.
This imprint on the Quantum Field then extends to the resolution of Quantum Events (which only resolve when someone observes them). The imprint of the archetype of the view of these planets and stars then plays a role in determining the outcome of many random events, causing them to deviate from uniform distributions. For instance, the random allocation of a mother and father's genes in a newly-conceived child is altered by the constellation the sun is passing through at the point of conception. This causes a child's Sun Sign to affect their personality.
* * *
There you have it: We've got bad quantum physics, bad biology, bad astronomy, and bad neurology so far. Who can add more?
It seems fashionable at the moment to mention Schumann frequencies too - all life is in resonance with the planet itself!
If the objective is to compound nonsense- one could add quantum chiropractic.
I guess you've forgotten your lessons from the Great Master DaveScot.
Bob
You need more psi! The description could start with something like,
"Have you ever had the sense that you knew what someone was thinking, or that someone was looking at you, or about to call you on the phone? We get these feelings because of the lifeforce that imbues all of us."
"Ancient peoples could tune these perceptions into dramatic power over nature, but because of modern-day toxins pervading our bodies, we have lost these abilities."
"Until now."
This is very hard to do without the capacity to use sixteen different colors, blinking text and four fonts. It's also very hard to think down to the level of an inarticulate woo-babbling boob. Nonetheless...
====
The benefits of RECYCLING OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS have been known to the ancients -- a secret passed down by the EXALTED ELDERS OF MU TO NONE OTHER THAN THOMAS JEFFERSON.
It took so-called "madman" Wilhelm Reich to begin to understand the POWER of the human spirit.
The MOST INSIGHTFUL Reich, however, didn't fully grasp what he had discovered. Fortunately, a way has been discovered by DOCTOR TODD "Ramikin" BLEDFORD: The ASTOUNDING POWER OF THE ORGONE LAMP.
RAMIKIN has spoken thusly:
"It is a Lamp that is ALL-POWERED by the DIVINE WILL TO LIFE of issue. The SEED was STOLEN BY THE SERPENT, given to Woman and shared by Man.
"The BLIND PURVEYORS OF SCIENCE will say foolish notions, but the BELIEVERS cannot be DISPROVED.
"The ORGONE Lamp is a PORTAL to a future FREE OF COAL, OIL, and even NUCLEAR ENERGY."
Ramikin has predicted that the ORGONE LAMP will be discovered to have CURATIVE, RESTORATIVE POWERS in the areas of balancing the humors (known to the Qui-Gong masters as being all-important for overall health), energizing the Chakras, promoting LONG LIFE and ensuring FULL SATISFACTION for both YOU and your SOULMATE-LIFEPARTNER.
Simply place the Lamp in steady sunlight for several hours, allowing the OCTARINE EFFULGENCE of DIVINE RA to bathe it in healing, restorative POWER. Place the Lamp by your head in the night -- on a headboard is ideal for this -- and watch as its ORGONE ACCUMULATOR functions and begins to GLOW as you and your SOULMATE-LIFEPARTNER engage in the FEASTS of the KAMA SUTRA.
Due to its ASTONISHING POWER, Ramikin advises that the ORGONE Lamp be used by couples ONLY. It is not suitable for SOLO purposes.
====
Gaah. That hurt.
Matt asks:
It should be! Let's add an iPod Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic Plug-In! Since music is sound, and sound are vibrations, and... oh, well, you know the rest, the music you hear deeply affects the health of your colon. There's some chance that your music's energetic resonance is compatible with you at some degree, because your astral body automatically seeks what is better for it, but in this modern world the capabilities of your astral body are reduced and altered.
This Plug-In is a powerful filter between you and your music, neutralizing and reconverting the negative vibrations that hurt your colon, your harmony and your soul, so fully synchronizing with the music spheres and enhancing greatly the power of the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic etc. And you can plug it to your computer, so you can program it and adjust the exact level of resonance correction according to your needs and desires.
And it works with Vista!
We shall be shortly releasing NumAware v1.0 for Windows, MacOSX and Linux.
Numerology is the long established study of the effects that numbers have on our everyday lives; how they affect us, guide us, define us and foretell our path through life. Numbers affect us from our very birthdate and woven into the physical laws that govern the universe around us.
The link between the abstract and the physical within numerology was first uncovered by the ancient Greeks, and studies continue today, refining and expanding our knowledge and experience of the effects numbers have on all life.
Today, we live in an accelerating, high tech world. Many people suffer from illnesses, fatigue and stress-related disorders that traditional medicine can only help with some of the symptoms, and not without their own side effects of poisoning the body. By treating the symptoms only, main stream medicine is not addressing the root cause. We know what the root cause is.
Right now, you're sitting very close to a computer; a marvel of the modern technological era. However, at it's core, the computer is a machine for managing numbers - movement, storage and retrieval of billions of numbers at the speed of light - and we're sat deep within it's electro-magnetic (EM) field. Every time a sequence of numbers is shifted within the computer, say, to display a webpage, or a photo of your children, the movement of those numbers through the computer circuits generates nano-sized EM pulses which will pass through your body.
These unguided numeric fields passing through your body will weaken your immune response, unbalance and disrupt energy flows, inducing many of the poorly diagnosed illnesses that you can't cure with drugs. This is why we have spent nearly a decade developing NumAware, in conjunction with several research teams at universities across the globe.
NumAware monitors all numeric operations within your computer using standard and Chaldean digit summing algorithms to detect sequences with positive and negative effects. The positive sequences are left unchanged, but the negative streams are analysed, broken down and resequenced to carry as much positive influence as possible. NumAware will ensure that the numeric fields emitted by your computer have a positive influence on your body and your well-being.
We have painstakingly identified tens of thousands of primary numeric streams for influencing health, mood, memory, love, and over twenty other parameters, so you can optimize the output of your computer to suit your changing everyday needs.
NumAware is carefully coded so as to have as little affect on the speed of your computer, so you don't have to worry about it running in the background. In fact, many tests show that the resequencing of data streams can actually improve the responsiveness of your computer.
NumAware is available for the low price of $79.97.
Digit summing the price will give you 5, the digit of action. Take it today.
PaulT...
That was frakin' brilliant.
Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser How does it work? I'll tell you!
It has known since time immemorial that like affects like, and that by DILUTING TOXINS sufficiently, we can create remedies to their effects. This is the basic principle of homeopathy, and is obvious to anyone who isn't blinded by the MATERIALISTIC SCIENTIFIC ESTABLISHMENT. Recent discoveries, of course, have shown us how this principle works, by forcing a QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT with the remedy, which affects the BIO-RESONANCE of the body, bringing it back into NATURAL HARMONIC BALANCE, allowing our internal HEALING ENRGIES to work on the body. THIS IS NOT MAGIC, IT IS REAL SCIENCE.
By combining the WELL KNOWN and PROVEN methods of homeopathy with MAGNETIC RESONANCE, we can not only increase the HEALING ENERGIES of the remedy, we can even IMPROVE HEATH BEYOND NORMAL. That's right, by magnetically charging the homeopathic base (PURE water), we can bring MAGNETIC HEALING to your body, as well as the PROVEN BENEFITS of homeopathy. This works because of the MAGNETIC DIPOLE properties of water at the MOLECULAR level. Water is inherently magnetic, but is usually CHAOTICALLY MIS-ALIGNED. By passing the water through a MAGNETIC RESONANCE chamber, we RE-ALIGN the water molecules, and cause HARMONIC RESONANCE WAVES, which increase the HEALING ENERGIES even more!!
There are a number of interesting, and BENEFICIAL side-effects to MAGNETIC ALIGNMENT of water molecules. The alignment process, performed by PYRAMID ENERGIES, causes a predictable and testable QUANTUM ROTATIONAL GYROSCOPY. When activated by the homepathic remedy's QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT FIELD, this forces a specific, repeatable GYROSCOPIC QUANTUM FIELD, which RE-ENERGIZES the Vital Field in all of us!.
Also, the QUANTUM INTERFERENCE WAVE created by this GYROSCOPIC RESONANCE FIELD had the effect of RE-ACTIVATING the ETHEREAL STRANDS of human DNA! That's right, the ten LOST STRANDS of DNA can be RE-ACTIVATED, and can even be brought back into HARMONY with the WHOLE PERSON!!!
Finally, thanks to a MIRACLE BREAKTHROUGH in recent homeopathic methods, we can combine the already-potent homeopathic remedy with a QUANTUM HARMONICALLY RESONANT anti-toxin rinse. By applying the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser via enema, we can not only ensure better absorption on the HEALING PROPERTIES, but even FLUSH TOXINS from the GASTRO-INTESTINAL SYSTEM.
The Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser will not only TARGET SPECIFIC AILMENTS, it will also IMPROVE GENERAL HEALTH, and can even EXTEND LIFE EXPECTANCY!
*******************
K, I can't go any further without losing more of my mind than I've already conceeded. Thanks to Warren up there for reminging me about the capital letters.
~Brendan
Brendan- any way to work Time Cube in there somewhere? Or would that just be excessive?
I imagine the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser(tm) [Orac-QGHDARMCC(tm)] as a small, pill-shaped piece of polished magnetic hematite, "treated" with immersion in several homeopathic solutions (and carefully washed, so that no molecular trace would interfere with the quantum effects) and centrifuged to "balance it against the vibrations of the earth and sun." In keeping with the sacred principles of Orac, the Orac-QGHDARMCC(tm) is a suppository, which, when "used properly" sends waves of DNA-activating resonance through the whole body (you can tell by the quivering) while "inspiring" intestinal health.
You can reuse them, if you've got the nerve, but the effect isn't as powerful as if you keep buying more of the fully-activated, freshly-resonated, freshly-dipped, Orac-QGHDARMCC(tm). You can also, for a fee, send your used Orac-QGHDARMCC(tm) back to the company for full re-activation, for a mere fraction (I'm thinking about 1/3rd would be about right, more if it's not clean) of the cost of a new one....
I decided to go herbal for "Near Reality"- with-added-almost-science-y sounding stuff, as my sales pitch is going to depend on the old trick of linking to a paper showing my expensively repackaged product helps good cells in a dish to work properly. (see e.g. dichloroacetate)
'NEW InsulinoSpiceTM - the carefully
formulated herbal treatment for type II
diabetes. Scientific research by Dr
Mark Cain and his colleagues at
Popplechester University has shown that
the spices in InsulinoSpiceTM act
together to help your cells produce the
insulin your body needs.
InsulinoSpiceTM is formulated in
accordance with the latest advanced
research. It brings you the perfect
balance of high-purity ingredients,
designed to work in harmony with the
body's natural mechanisms to ensure
optimum health.'
I figure that the Bulk Wholesaler costs of the spices should be minimal, so this will be a nice earner when the University kick my ass out.
For extended version see:
http://www.physoc.org/publications/pn/issuepdf/67/54.pdf
Please keep in mind that everybody is different, and because of its fine-tuned ability to adapt to your own unique vibrations, the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser may react differently on you than on others. Do not be concerned. If there are aspects of this product which fail to harmonize with your authentic self-understanding, take only what you need and leave the rest. We have nothing to prove, we only offer to those who are open to receiving.
The Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser cannot cure any dis-ease. It merely allows your own natural healing abilities to flow freely as your body, mind, and spirit attain the level of ease and well-being they were meant to have.
But is it compatible with the iPhone?
As Zero said, I think the marketplace is too crowded for any satire we come up with to surpass the 'serious' products. I'd be delighted to be surprised, though :D
Anyway, if I didn't have ethical problems with plagiary, I'd submit Controlled Inner Cleansing as my contribution.
A minor point about ads: While advertising the product on the radio, you must repeat the phoen number at least three times. For some reason, the more transparently idiotic the product, the more often the phone number is repeated in a radio ad.
Who cares _why_ it works?
-----
"I felt listless, fatigued, devoid of energy, just like those poor sufferers having fibromyalgia or chronic Lyme disease. But a reputable chiropractor had tested me for both, with negative results.
"Meanwhile, I got worse and worse, to the point that my wife refused to sleep with me, claiming my ejaculate went from just smelling foul to glowing green in the dark, surely a result of all those poisonous allopathic medicines that the modern Lucrezia Borgias wish to make us chow down.
"But then, I came across the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser -- and I knew I was onto something, as I had found it on Google, and Wikipedia confirmed it!
"My life has been turned around completely, along with my stomach, which disgorged gallons of toxic sludge that had until recently adhered to a bottle of Thunderbird and to the inside of a Gyros shop!
"At the same time, my bowels poured forth pound after pound of the vilest stuff imaginable, which must have stuck to my intestines, probably with the aid of the undigested chicken feet I found while I photographed this breakthrough for posterity.
"Thank you, Orac! Your *Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser* has given me back my life! This wonder of a product is expensive, but it works, and once my wife sees how good your modern miracle is for us, even she will come back to screw me! And until then, why, there's always the OQGHDARMCC to do that."
-----
Cheers,
Felix.
"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect." -- Chief Seattle" "Who Dare to hear the mighty truth, reverberating through the long years, that faith-love-courage conquer fear & teamwork heal a nation's tears.Though flood & fire sweep the old earth's sod, & raging wars and evils wreck its calm," still through the awful tumult. Many people are concerned about the flood of illegal immigrants sweeping across America. But this is NOTHING compared to a far more frightening flood, nay tsunami. As you no doubt are aware, in this millennium we face a coming terrible tidal wave of iatrogenic autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. This is a fact known by Big Pharma, the CDC and the WHO. They know full well that their "vaccines" and "prescriptions" are doing to the INNOCENTS. We KNOW there is secret cabal working against the best interests of the all good Americans," EVERY intelligent and wary person KNOWS FULL WELL that the AMA and the Trilateral Commission are "conspiring with others around the world to build a more integrated global political and economic structure. But my DEAR FRIENDS what can we, the little people, the mere constant observers of this fiendish plan, do? You may be familiar with thermal-auricular therapy. You, yourself may perform it regularly. Many are aware of the time tested efficacy of the coffee enema, BUT many are not aware of my refinement of this therapy: the HIGH TEA COLONIC. Further, today is my privilege to introduce to YOU, my faithful clientele, nay I CALL YOU FRIENDS, because this is what you are to ME, to a therapeutic regimen that is sure to save the plane it from it's current road to endless slavery to BIG PHARMA. "For facialpacks, scalp & soothing bodyrub, add dash on bath towel in sink of hot water. Wring out. Lay over face & scalp. Massage with fingertips. Repeat 6 or 7 times 'til arms, legs & all are rubbed, always towards the heart. Rinse towel in plain hot water and massage again." ALL who have tried the synergistic healing power of my patented THERMO-NUCLEAR-OMPHALIC THERAPY (TM) in conjunction with a HIGH TEA COLONIC, can attest to it's beneficial effect on blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, fallen arches, hair loss and all forms of inflammation and allergy. But more importantly this protocol is guaranteed to rescue all this entire generation of children ruined by so called "vaccines." Parents who have used this god-send therapeutic team SWEAR by it! Remeber! "DILUTE! DILUTE! OK! Love can spark mere dust to life! Poetry, uniting All-One! All brave! All life!"
with apologies to Dr. Bronner
Recent Improvements
For an ongoing fee, one of Orac's dedicated and trained volunteers will organise to connect directly to you and your Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser via astral projection. During this session you will recieve updates to your Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser feeling safe in the knowledge that you are continuing to reap the benefits of this device to the best of your potential. After each astral projection, updates to the device may influence you in a physical or metaphysical way, increasing your health to even higher levels. Although optional, the future benefits of astral projection updates are recommended when purchasing the Orac Quantum Gyroscopic Homeopathic DNA-Activating Resonating Magnetic Colon Cleanser.