Now this is unexpected.
Normally, I find my victims/targets/subjects for my usual end-of-the-workweek bit of fun and skepticism from one of two sources. Either a reader sends a link to some woo or other that desperately deserves a little bit of Orac's loving attention, or in my wanderings across blogosphere I find some little (or huge) bit of woo that catches my attention and holds it long enough to make the case for a spot on my weekly feature. This time around it was different. While applying a sorely needed bit of skepticism to a story that's been going around the more credulous parts of the blogosphere, I noticed a comment about one of the two people who are supposedly at the center of said bizarre story. But even stranger was that the link in the comment led to a sight that just cries out for a heapin' helpin' of the Insolence (Respectfulâ¢ or Not-So-Respectful) that Orac lays down on a daily basis right here. The sight, GoldKhu.com, appears to be run by a woman named Laurie Jessop. It's unclear whether this is the same Laurie Jessop who's one of the subjects of the "health freedom " horror story I've discussed.
Regardless of whether it's that Laurie Jessop or not, the woo, it is good.
Don't believe me? Let's take a look. First of all, we have magic wands. Really. And the biggest, baddest wand of all, the wand with the mostest woo, is known as the Wand of Horus. What more could one want in woo? Of course, the Wands of Horus have nothing but the highest woo pedigree. Just look at who has apparently written extensively about them, namely a man named Dr. Valery Uvarov, Head of the Russian National Security Academy, Department of UFO Research, Paleosciences and Paleotechnology.
It doesn't get much better than this, and the description of how these wands work doesn't disappoint:
Those cylinders, with which the Pharaohs never parted throughout their lives, were harmonisers of the two basic flows of energy which the Ancient Egyptians called BA and KA, corresponding to Yin and Yang in the Oriental tradition. For the Ancient Egyptians BA and KA were the two component elements of the human entity, the two sources of vital energy. While they are interacting properly, the vital functions of the organism are maintained and the person lives without any particular problems. To regulate the energy balance in the body the Ancient Egyptians used "Wands of Horus" -- cylinders with various contents.
The use of these cylinders to a considerable extent helped the Pharaoh (or other user) to perfect his nervous, energetic and (as a consequence) immune systems, to improve his health and physical condition, since the cylinders had a beneficial effect on those areas. The correct and systematic use of the cylinders enabled the Pharaoh or priestly user to prepare himself for "Intercourse with the Gods".
If certain conditions are observed and sessions conducted on a regular daily basis, the Wands of Horus can not only correct, but also stimulate a person's nervous, energy and immune systems, creating the preconditions for their improvement. This requires work founded on a precise understanding of what the Wands of Horus are, and the principle by which they work, a knowledge of the cycles of activeness in the human energy system and a number of elements making up a complex approach, an essential part of which is interaction with natural sources of energy, such as trees, rivers, lakes, the sea and mountains.
As I said, this is definitely top-notch woo. Not only do we have the appeal to ancient tradition. (Of course, bloodletting is also ancient tradition; as we say, just because it's old and moldy doesn't mean it deserves respect.) Then it's coupled with not just one form of life energy, but two forms. (Take that, ancient China, with your mere qi! Woo wimps.) So this is apparently why Pharaohs were considered Gods; they had wands that made them almost Gods! This leaves me with only one question: Where can I get me some of these wands?
Before I lay down my hard-earned greenery to buy one of these wands, I want to know what they are. I want to know just what they're made of. Fortunately, the woomeisters in charge are only too happy to tell me:
The Wands of Horus take the form of two hollow cylinders made of copper and zinc for right and left hands respectively. This is important because the link between metal and hand is tightly bound up with the functions of the left and right hemispheres of the brain.
Naturally. Ancient Egyptian neuroscience tells us this.
Of course, the wand must conform to only the most precise measurements based on only the finest woo:
Any length can be chosen for the cylinder, although its should be noted that in ancient times the height of the cylinder, like the height of the Pyramid of Cheops, were not chosen at random. For example, the height of that pyramid (146 metres) is roughly equal to one-thousand-millionth of the distance from the Earth to the Sun. It was also connected with the period of the basic Sothis cycle , 1460 years, which was divided up into smaller units of 1460 days -- the Egyptian year cycle. Therefore the height of Wands of Horus attuned to the pyramid and to this cycle may be 146 millimetres. But, bearing in mind that the Pyramid of Cheops has been damaged, the wands should be attuned to the whole complex. It that event, the height of the Wands of Horus will ideally be equal to 151.4 millimetres.
The diameter of the Wands is designed to be tuned to the Earth eigenfrequency. 5.4 or 54 is a key moment and has direct connection to Earth eigenfrequency (self frequency) which dictates the energy impulse to life on the Earth. The diameter is determined by dividing 151.4 : 5.407 = 28 millimetres.
I really love how they take into account damage to the Pyramid of Cheops in figuring out just what dimensions these wands should be. Even better is the way they charge them up. For wands based on the dimensions of the pyramids, there's only one way they can be activated. Isn't it obvious? Here you go:
To increase the effectiveness of the Wands of Horus all the components from which the cylinders are made are exposed in a pyramid with a powerful structuring field , to correct the inter-atomic distances, for a period of at least twelve days (and nights).
Of course. What else could activate this woo? Nothing.
But what can these wands do for you, other than look really cool on your desk? Lots, of course. For example:
The Wands of Horus with a nine-faceted crystal are designed to stimulate and synchronize the human energy system with the energy flows of the ninth level of the Universe's energy system transformed by the Earth's core.
Experiments have shown that this type of wand has a more intense (active) effect on the human energy system. On the physical plane, the self-tuning of the wands to the individual organism is considerably quicker, the activity of the cardio-vascular system is stimulated more rapidly, which manifests itself in a faster expansion of the vessels and increased intensity of heart contractions. The Wands of Horus Mono with a nine-faceted crystal have a more pronounced (powerful) effect, which is accompanied by more acute sensations. Even less sensitive people feel the influence of this type of wand more intensely.
The Wands of Horus Mono with a twelve-faceted crystal are designed to stimulate and synchronize the 12 human energy bodies with the 12 energy systems of our Solar system and Universe(God), through energy system of Earth. This follows the principle of 12; planetary bodies, 12 months, 12 year cycles, 12 hours day and night etc.
The other wands, depending upon the specific type, promise to take care of stress, insomnia and nervous tensions, for starters. They are claimed to be "very effective" in cases of arthritis, arthrosis and polyarthritis in combination with salt baths. (Perish the thought that it's the salt baths that are actually making you feel better! It's the wand. Really.) Other things these wands can supposedly do include activation of blood circulation and restoration of the nervous system, whatever that means, not to mention slowing the advance of Parkinson's disease, reducing blood cholesterol levels, treating hypertension, preventing atherosclerosis, and a host of other benefits. But that's not all. Apparently Dr. Uvarov has done experiments that tell him something fantastic. Naturally, it must be science because he's done experiments. And what did these experiments show? Wonderful things, of course:
Experiments conducted with this type of wand indicated that, as a material of natural origin , native or meteoric iron possesses a number of amazing properties that belong to this type of the Wands of Horus alone. Besides everything that has already been said about the Wands of HorusKONT, the Wands of HorusBJA stimulate and increase a person's psychic abilities. In other words, having a crystalline structure that formed under natural conditions, "bja" acts as an "intermediary" or resonator linking the energy system of the human being with the natural source of energy and the core of the Earth. The effect of the crystalline structure of the "bja" on the human energy system is to increase sensory sensitivity and the organism's resistance to the negative influence of solar and magnetic storms.
Just what I need: Increased psychic powers and resistance to solar storms.
But be very, very careful. So powerful is this woo that it comes with warnings. For example:
This is a tool that should only be used by those who have undergone a period of preparation and developed their energy sufficiently through daily work with Wands of Horus Mono, Kont, Quartz or Crystal for no less than one year.
Wow. A whole year of work just to be able to use one of these things. Hey, why not? It takes four years to get through medical school plus anywhere from 3-10 years of postgraduate training depending on the specialty to become a fully board-certified physician. In comparison, a mere year just to become some sort of wandmaster is a bargain.
But there is another warning:
the Wands of HorusMono have a more powerful impulse-based stimulating effect on a person's energy structure. As a consequence, if this type of the Wands of Horus is used by people with a weak energy system, it may induce a pain syndrome in a problem area. This is due to the increased excess of energy in the zone of disruption. If some energy channel has disrupted bio-energy rhythms and lacks the necessary conductivity, then the resultant excess of energy, causing a sensation of bloatedness or pressure at the site of a problem may develop into pain. It is for this reason that we do not recommend this type for people who have suffered a heart attack or stroke.
Good to know. Also good to know are these other contraindications:
- Schizophrenia and other psychological disorders
- Whilst menstruating
- Pregnancy (in the last six months)
"Whilst menstruating"? Pregnancy? Why? Here's why:
This last is due to the fact that in the later stages of pregnancy there is another living organism in the mother's womb that already at that stage of development has its own individuality (individual vibration). The wands attune themselves to a person, to his or her individual frequency. As the individual vibration dictated by the mother's hypothalamus-hypophysis system differs from that of the developing child, the use of the wands in the last six months of pregnancy may have unpredictable consequences.
Well, that certainly explains it all.
Now, I'm sure you're thinking that this all sounds great, but how much do these wonders cost? Fortunately for you, GoldKhu has your back, with wands ranging from $286 for the Kont model to $9,100 Pharaoh model. Come on, admit it. Wouldn't you want the Pharaoh model? Of course you would. In fact, you'd do well to couple it with implosion, courtesy of the Centre for Implosion Research, including its subtle energies and memory of water. (Holy homeopathy, Batman!) And don't forget your Biostimulator Insoles:
When we apply the insoles (electrodes) to the soles of the feet, they begin through the projections of the relevant energy centres and nerve endings on the feet to stimulate the electro-magnetic component (shell) around the human body. On the physical plane there is stimulation of those organs whose nerve endings have their projections on the feet. Besides this there is stimulation of the blood circulation in the prostate that is a projection of the first energy centre which has energy projections on the feet. As a consequence of such stimulation, there is a detectable activation of the blood circulation in the spine and correction of pathologies caused by disrupted circulation.
As top shelf as this woo is, it does lack something. Can you guess what it is? I'm sure you can. Amazingly, a Google search of the website only found two mentions of the word "quantum," both in the same article and it isn't really linked to the way the wands supposedly work. I suppose that can be an addition to the next iteration of the wands. Just think of how much they could charge for a Quantum Phaoraoh Wand of Horus or a Quantum Biostimulator Insoleâor, even better, the Quantum Pharaoh Implosive Wand of Horus.
I want my cut of the profits for this idea.
BACKGROUND ON THE JESSOPS:
- The story of the 17-year-old with melanoma being forced to undergo chemotherapy: Urban legend?
- Thomas Cowles twisting in the wind defending the "cancer boy" urban legend
- An update on the youth who "cured himself" of melanoma, Chad Jessop
- One last update (for now) on the youth who "cured himself" of melanoma, Chad Jessop
- "I have seen the light! The Chad Jessop melanoma story happened. Really."
- Lee Woodard on the Chad Jessop melanoma story: "Why would I promote a hoax?"
- Dear Health Freedom Fighters (September 12, 2007)
- The Gary Null Show 9/13/2007 (The relevant segment is at approximately the 11:45 minute mark.)
- Mother Jailed, Put On Trial for Curing Her Son of Melanoma (October 3, 2007)
- Mother Jailed, Put On Trial for Curing Her Son of Melanoma (published in the Los Angeles Free Press on 11/12/2007, PDF here)
There are times when, as a non-wealthy skeptic, I look at this sort of thing and wonder "How can I get me some of that action?"
*sigh* Stupid ethics.
Those cylinders, with which the Pharaohs never parted throughout their lives, were harmonisers of the two basic flows of energy which the Ancient Egyptians called BA and KA, corresponding to Yin and Yang in the Oriental tradition.
Wait, baka? Strangely appropriate.
Oh if only I was a wealthy skeptic. Hide a small torch in one of these things and show you can shoot fire, stun gun in the other an wow lightning pops out of your hands. Think of the woo enamored servants one could have.
I think I know why they put the not during pregnancy warning on the wand. Just cause the mom is a freaking nut and uses the want instead of going to an OB, the dad or grand parents can still sue the wand maker. Now the wand maker has the defense that mom failed to follow the warning labels. Also unless I'm mistaken doesn't this form a Cu-Zn electrochemical cell, which is one of the evil tools used by Illuminati in the form of batteries to poison us?
Also unless I'm mistaken doesn't this form a Cu-Zn electrochemical cell, which is one of the evil tools used by Illuminati in the form of batteries to poison us?
That was the first thing I noticed about it - "Wow, electrochemistry at work!" Touch the wands together and I think you've got a complete circuit - probably not even carrying enough current to tingle, but I bet the woomeister would use that as "proof" that the wands are "affecting the body's electromagnetic field".
Hang on a minute - why would the ancient Egyptians be working in nice, even multiples based on powers of ten? It's not like they were using SI units, so the proposed relationship between the height of the pyramid and the length of the wand would have been pretty damn obscure if you're measuring using ancient units and you don't have decimal arithmetic because it hasn't been invented yet.
Oh, and as for:
For example, the height of that pyramid (146 metres) is roughly equal to one-thousand-millionth of the distance from the Earth to the Sun.
Very roughly... From http://library.thinkquest.org/29033/begin/earthsunmoon.htm:
"The average distance from the earth to the sun, the semimajor axis of its orbit, is 149,597,890 km"
I thought these things had to be exact?
Definitely the wooiest woo I've seen all week. It takes the 12-energy-layer woocake.
AFAIK, the ancient Egyptians believed that the brain was just a gland that secreted mucus into the nasal cavity. These quacks can't even get their history of medicine right.
"I thought these things had to be exact?" Only when giving them your credit card number, the rest has a multiple orders of magnitude fudge factor.
Graculus, I can sell you a crystal pendant that is guaranteed to cure you of any ethical discomfort. I'm wearing one right now!
As top shelf as this woo is, it does lack something. Can you guess what it is? I'm sure you can. Amazingly, a Google search of the website only found two mentions of the word "quantum,"
Actually, they're remarkably subtle about it, but they invoke quantum indirectly:
Earth eigenfrequency. 5.4 or 54 is a key moment and has direct connection to Earth eigenfrequency (self frequency) which dictates the energy impulse to life on the Earth.
An "eigenstate" is quantum mechanics language for stationary levels in a quantized system which are separated by quanta of energy. This woo has done the remarkable thing of invoking essential QM ideas without actually using the word "quantum". Of course, by saying "eigenfrequency" they also show that they don't understand the language of QM. The eigenvalues of a Hamiltonian operator in QM are energy values of the eigenstate and you obtain frequencies by dividing by Planck's constant. The word "impulse" is vastly out of its typical physical context (magnitude of momentum change).
Of course, I think they probably invoked the word "eigen" simply to capture the meaning of "singularity" without understanding why this linear algebra is used at all in Quantum theory.
I'm still left wondering: 5.4 of what? They're talking about frequency, but lack units of any sort. How in the world did they get from frequency to millimeters when there's not even a phase velocity anywhere in sight?
Star Trek did an awful thing by giving us technobabble...
That is some high grade Woo!
I thought the "Beware of Imitations" warning was a particularly nice touch.
This woo has done the remarkable thing of invoking essential QM ideas without actually using the word "quantum".
Which, of course, utterly defeats the purpose of invoking QM, which basically boils down to 'ooh, quantum!'
Which, of course, utterly defeats the purpose of invoking QM, which basically boils down to 'ooh, quantum!'
You're exactly right!
I should revise my details also for this very reason: Quantum is most famous for its invocation of eigenvalues and eigenfunctions because of the periodic table of elements, but you can find them in lots of other places too. Any time you are synthesizing a function using an orthonormal function space, you can get eigenstates. Note that this is literally any time you are involving the Fourier series (for one VERY common example). The writers of this Woo could have stumbled across eigenvalues from one of these many other directions without realizing they were hitting an essential idea of QM. That's probably why the word "Quantum" didn't end up in that paragraph.
If they had realized they'd stumbled onto a Quantum idea, they would've gone "Oh WOW! Another remarkable coincidence implying our woo is right!" and made certain they said something about it.
I love the comment on the bottom of the price list / order form.
'DO NOT SEND YOUR CREDIT CARD'
As in ... This has probably happened before.
Oooookaaay... Now, put yourself in hot salt water and hold one of those wands in your left hand and the other in your right.
See Voltaic pile. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_battery#1800_-_The_Voltaic_…
Once again Orac comes up with the Prime Grade-A Woo!
or maybe... he's just a Rampant Pyramid Energy Denialist!
But then, so am I.
Every time I read one of these woo-meister's stories I am reminded of Rocky and Bullwinkle, when the moose is trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, and Rocky says : "Again? that trick never works "
I love how they talk about the distance from Earth to The Sun - the ancient Egyptians didn't KNOW the distance from the Earth to the Sun, and kinda thought the Sun was this sky-god that got eaten every night by another sky-god. So they've got a continuity error in their woo!!
I want a wand that makes my enemies ridiculous - like the one Voltaire had.
These wands are nothing but quackery.
I'm going to stick with my multi-organ tuning fork set. Hey, it's time to stimulate my pancreas!
So, how long before one of these things turns up in an x-ray of someone's rectum? On second thought, I guess it would have to be two of these.
"On the physical plane, the self-tuning of the wands to the individual organism is considerably quicker, the activity of the cardio-vascular system is stimulated more rapidly, which manifests itself in a faster expansion of the vessels and increased intensity of heart contractions."
I guess that would be the hot flush of embarrassment on the sudden realisation: "Oh no, I actually spent money on this thing!". Followed swiftly by the adrenaline-fuelled heartbeat of fear: "How the heck am I going to explain this to ? Maybe I can get rid of it before he/she finds out? And where can I hide the credit card statement?"
I'm so proud that I played a small part in inspiring this thread.
We shouldn't be too hard on the ancient Egyptians. They knew quite a bit about anatomy if only because of all the practice they had in mummy (but I'm sure neuroscience wasn't their big thing).
I'm pretty sure that over 90% of the quackery comes straight from the 21st century.
I've been a semi-regular reader of the Friday Woo for quite a while now, and this is definitely a prizewinner. Might just be the wackiest woo you've ever dismantled, Orac.
At least these magic wands are cheaper than the Life Energy Amplifiers were. Not that price matters in your pursuit of holistickiness.
(Price list: http://www.goldkhu.com/woh_mail_order_price_list.html )
Vlad and Cathy W. both noticed the same thing I did, (from Vlad's comment), "...unless I'm mistaken doesn't this form a Cu-Zn electrochemical cell,"
Then combined with Orac's note that these devices are "... are claimed to be "very effective" in cases of arthritis, arthrosis and polyarthritis in combination with salt baths."
Hmm, put Cu-Zn rods into a hot salt bath, and you get...?
This woo reminds me of those old kits where you power a clock by sticking some zinc and copper rods into a lemon.
I suppose in this case the lemon is the purchaser of this particularly powerful woo. But the result isn't powering a clock, but liberating the contents of a wallet.
This ancient pharmacology has long since proved its worth;
It's the finest panacea in the history of earth.
Two simple metal cylinders can cure all of your ills--
So much better than injections; much more natural than pills!
But I've found a better system--I've improved upon their wand;
I've discovered new technology that lets me go beyond!
It's a cure for diabetes; it's a cure for aching feet
It's a cure for halitosis, and that burning in your seat
It alleviates the symptoms of the flu and common cold
If you follow the instructions, it's a cure for growing old!
It will tighten up your fanny, smooth the wrinkles on your skin,
And you'll instantly feel better from the moment you begin!
What's the closely-guarded secret? Well, you know I cannot say,
But you're only growing older every moment you delay
There's no need to spend your life in needless misery, alone,
When a cure is just a call away--so just pick up the phone!
You are now the happy owner of a marvelous device
Read and follow all instructions--you don't want to do this twice.
The rods the ancient Pharaohs used (of copper and of zinc)
Were truly beneficial, but they also made us think:
If we mix the two together, will the alloy work as well?
We didn't know, but clearly, an experiment would tell.
Through the miracle of science, our experiment confirms
That the wand that you have purchased will eliminate your germs;
If you use it as directed, we can gladly guarantee
(Or return for price of purchase, less a small restocking fee)
That wherever, on the road of life, your circumstances find you,
Our wand will let you always know, your worries are behind you.
Instructions: take the wand, all seven inches, gleaming brass,
And gently, but completely, shove the whole thing up your ass.
Cuttlefish, you are a pearl beyond price.
Plenty of history woo to go around here (blood letting at least existed in the past).
Usually the pharoahs are depicted with the crook and flail (neither of which were called 'ba' or 'ka'). 'ka' and 'ba' were the names of non-physical parts of a person (there was also apparently an 'akh') aka souls (none of this having only one soul:-).
Solid gold Woo-Friday and Cuttlefish, too...
It makes me feel warm all over. :D
BA and KA?
I see Martin M has beaten me here!
I thought the Egyptian soul had seven parts...
I do remember that the Egyptians literally thought that thought took place in our hearts, which is where those phrases get into the Bible from. So, if one really wanted to believe in a literal Bible, they should be taking all those "he thought in his heart" passages as litterally as they were written to mean.
"AFAIK, the ancient Egyptians believed that the brain was just a gland that secreted mucus into the nasal cavity."
In some cases, maybe they weren't far wrong.
The woo, sheesh I though Egypt style woo died off finally in the 90's. It's still beautiful, mostly harmless (but not to your wallet) woo.
Cuttlefish, that is beautiful :D
Wow! You say the Pharaohs used these things? Well, it's obvious the magic rods made them immortal-- they had so much time to sit around ordering pyramids to be built. I'll buy ten pairs! Oh, wait... those pyramids were tombs, you say?
To the ancient Egyptians one had seven or nine souls, depending on the historical period and who you talked to. Each had it's part to play. In one West African tribe each individual body part has its own soul. One for each segment of finger, another for each finger joint. There's even a soul for the lungs as a whole, two more for the right and left lung, and 5 more for each lobe of the lungs. Now add in all the souls for the aveoli. It's workfare for supernatural beings.
Graculus, I can sell you a crystal pendant that is guaranteed to cure you of any ethical discomfort. I'm wearing one right now!
Is it genuine Atlantean crystal? I got stiffed the last time, they said it was Atlantean, but it was actually Lemurian.
"For example, the height of that pyramid (146 metres)"
followed at the end of the same paragraph by "But, bearing in mind that the Pyramid of Cheops has been damaged, the wands should be attuned to the whole complex. It that event, the height of the Wands of Horus will ideally be equal to 151.4 millimetres."
Throws the calibration off by an order of magnitude, doesn't it?
The diameter is determined by dividing 151.4 : 5.407 = 28 millimetres.
I've got some X band (30 mm) waveguide in the lab. Will this do?
Are microwaves at 10 GHz good for you?
So they've got a continuity error in their woo!!
That just means it's authentic. Ancient Egyptian Mythology is one big continuity error.