To the men and woman campaigning for the President of the United States:
Hey, how's it going. Boy, I bet it seems like this campaign has been going on forever, huh? All those pancake breakfasts and rubber-chicken dinners... I don't know how you guys manage it.
But here's the thing: the campaign season is really only just starting. It's October now, just over a year from the election, and this is when Americans really start to think about politics. The leaves are starting to fall, there's football on tv, and the air is crisp and cool, with a faint whiff of... desperation.
So, this seems like a good time to repeat an offer I made a while back:
I will publicly endorse any candidate who will come to Union's campus and play me one-on-one in basketball (game to fifteen, make-it-take-it).
"Well," you say, "that's nice, and all, but why should we care about the endorsement of one liberal-leaning college professor with a website?"
To which I reply: Dude, you're in Iowa.
You're standing on a platform of hay bales making extravagent promises to hog farmers. Two months from now, you'll be flipping pancakes in New Hampshire.
A little basketball is beneath your dignity? Please.
Besides, if you scroll down the blog a bit, you'll see that my readers are a generous lot. The Uncertain Principles endorsement is probably worth literally hundreds of dollars in contributions, provided you're willing to do yourself injury with kitchen utensils (and again, I say: Iowa).
And, hey, I'm not just a college professor with a blog, I'm a college professor with a blog and a book contract. Granted, the book probably won't be out until after the election, unless I stop writing silly blog posts and really get cracking on it, but I am your in with people who like talking dogs and quantum physics. And let me remind you: those people vote.
I'm not asking for any billion-dollar subsidies, or a Cabinet appointment (though I wouldn;t turn those things down, if you want to offer them), just a friendly game of one-on-one. And, hey, sports don't get more American than basketball-- invented right here in the US, not based on any European games. You don't get more patriotic than a good game of basketball-- it's like motherhood and apple pie in shorts and high-tops.
While my own political leanings are admittedly left-ish, this offer is open to candidates of all major parties. Democrat, Republican, Stephen Colbert-- if you're willing to lace 'em up and play some ball, I'll endorse you for the relevant primary.
Alan Keyes, this is your best chance-- oh, who am I kidding, it's your only chance-- to have something positive written about you on ScienceBlogs. Are you going to pass that up?
There's never been a better time for this. I'm coming off a shoulder injury, and my game's a little rusty. And, honestly, I'm not that good at one-on-one. You can probably take me, and, hey, won't that be a great photo op?
Just something to think about. You want a break from the rubber-chicken dinners, have your people email my people-- who am I kidding, I don't have people, just email me.
See you at the gym.
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Well played, sir. Well played.
Dude - Great idea!
And to help, here's my early analysis:
REPUBLICANS:
Huckabee: Too goofy. His game has never evolved.
Fred Thompson: Too old. He's looking at one heart attack per point scored.
Brownbeck - He's from KS. He'll fade in the clutch.
Giuliani: He'll probably lose 9 to 11
Romny: Too Mormonish. (Remember Shawn Bradley? Yeah, me too - vaguely. Well, he was the last Mormon player in the NBA, and that means Mitt is way too soft and unathletic to win a 1 on 1 contest).
McCain: Too short, and he has shown he can only move to the right.
Duncan Hunter: Who cares. Perfect hair does not win basketball games.
Ron Paul: He wants to Dominate. Don't let him. Tell him you hate fish-sticks and he'll start crying.
Tom Tancredo: His name sounds good over a Public Address Sysytem. Thant's all he's got.
Duncan Hunter: He will claim to twist an ankle right before the game, and have to sit out. Not a playah.
DEMOCRATS:
Dennis Kusinich: Please, the guy qualifies for Dwarf status, and you can easily get him out of his game by just saying the words Hobbit, and Ling Bao Cave.
Hillary Clinton: Bill might have given you a game, but Hillary's got no outside shot, and her staying power is debatable. She can talk a good game though.
Joe Biden: Liar. He'll never remember the correct score, and he'll try to cheat, but he'll get caught and disqualified. At some neighborhoods I have played at, he'd never make it off the court alive.
Chris Dodd: No. Maybe playing Fred Thompson he'd have a chance.
John Edwards: I think he's sneaky, so watch out. He'll be smiling, while trying to see an opening to drive to the basket. Don't fall for it. The key to beating him is that you mess with his hair, you mess with his game.
Mike Gravel : Got no game. Got no chance.
Bill Richardson: Looks like he has a good low post game. Take him out on the floor and rain jumpers on him.
Barack Obama: The only one with a chance of beating you. He's tall, looks like he can still move. Plus, there is some former Noble Prize winner, that says Obama is black, and he's the one to watch.
Lace em tight.
Barack Obama: The only one with a chance of beating you. He's tall, looks like he can still move.
And, apparently, he plays regularly.
The real question is, what about Colbert? He looks reasonably tall (though that might be just because Jon Stewart is tiny), and I bet he's got some devious moves...
I have it on good authority, that Colbert will only play in South Carolina.
Hey, I have readers in South Carolina. Well, at least one-- I got 35 hits from SC in the last month...
Alan Keyes is alive?
Politically, I mean.
I thought the Republicans had sacrificed him to Barack Obama, or something....
Alan Keyes is alive?
Politically, I mean.
I thought the Republicans had sacrificed him to Barack Obama, or something....
A recent factoid I read that surprised me was that Clinton is actually leading Obama among black Democratic voters. (The poll completely failed to account for the obvious horde of crossover Keyes voters, however, and accordingly is invalid.)
Good to see you around, by the way!
While basketball was invented in the States, it was invented by a Canadian. Good luck in getting a response to your challenge. :-)
Maybe Chad will extend the offer to Harper then.