"Chem Lab - Mon, Wed, Fri - Period 5"

Last night after watching one of those intellectual programs on cable television I found myself for some reason reminiscing about school days. I remember spending countless hours in chemistry labs, usually with a partner of dubious genomic origin, manipulating Mother Earth's precious powders and potions in ways designed to earn the highest possible grade with the smallest quantum of comprehension. My laboratory etiquette unfortunately suffered from the effects of "pre-med syndrome," which led to the occasional fistfight against kibitzers or flibbertigibbets with (putative) undiagnosed ADHD. After all that, the only thing I can recite from memory is the formula for the proper mixing of Mother's Ruin and vermouth.

Anyway, while reclining in a vacant if not pensive mood last night I decided to list some of the lesser known rules of the chem lab as a public service to all those who will someday wander through the labyrinth of fearful alchemy. Feel free to add any I failed to recall.

RULES OF THE CHEM LAB
1. Please do not break wind during hydrogen sulfide experiments.
2. All unauthorized use of helium will be charged to the offender's account.
3. Do not write your name on the lens of your safety glasses.
4. Please attempt to keep your eye on your work rather than any adjacent cleavage.
5. All "Far Side" cartoons will be removed after 30 days.
6. Do not use the Bunsen burners to reheat your lunch - especially Tupperware.
7. There is a reason why benzene is no longer sold as an after-shave lotion. Don't even think of it.
8. Hydrochloric acid and comedy routines also do not mix well together.
9. If it sounds like an explosion it most likely is. Run.
10. KMnO4 + C6H12O6 + friction is not a way to impress girls. It is a nice way to get a new wardrobe (once released from the hospital).
11. Attention all comics: Beer's Law requires a colorimeter, not a flask.