Astrology, Kerala style

From Economic Times:

The Kerala method of delineation of horoscopes using 'cowries' (sea shells) is highly valued for its accuracy, according to astrologers from India and abroad.

Well-known astrologer Kailasnath from Parappanangadi near Kozhikode said that no time of birth or place of birth is required for doing the predictions.
...
Kailasnath, who describes himself as a student of astrology since 24 years, says the workshop is an effort to teach delegates the unique aspects of the state's rich astrological wisdom, particularly 'prasnam vekkal' (suggesting causes of certain events and possible remedial measures).

The delegates have been given practical instructions on ways to use the 'cowries' since the last three days, he said.

The workshop has been organised and coordinated by Komilla Sutton, a UK-based astrologer, who has been practising astrology in the UK and US since 1995.

I am liking this news! I was very worried that I have to ask for birth time and birth place again to people who come and see me. Some people in Munduroo - the village where I am having my residence with my missus -, they don't know when they were born. It's the fault of that village clock which is showing 10:30 all the time. We should not make innocent people suffer if they don't know birth time. They have very little money and I only take a bit of what they give voluntarily and help them. I am using cowrie, sticks and a one-eyed parrot to predict all the great events of Munduroo. You don't believe me? Ask local people, especially the fisherman who came to me yesterday. I accurately predicted that his boat sank on 13 Feb 2007 (100 rupees only for consultation, 500 rupees for a pooja to prevent the second boat from sinking). As a bonus, I gave him quick pooja for his hernia problem (50 rupees only). Poor man.

You will notice that I tell you all my service charges. My hands are clean and white. They are open for all to see like the coconut offering in the temple. I only want little bit of money to protect the cowries and feed the parrot. That's all I ask. I am not greedy like those big astrologers in the cities. They speak to ministers and film stars, fly in jets, eat biryani and special pan, have big bungalows, swimming pools, house boats with ac, acres and acres of lands near rivers, rows and rows of silk shirts, gold plated toilet bowls ... Where was I? Yes, I am not like them. I am a simple man. I am happy with Munduroo and my new motorbike. (You want it? I am looking to buy a new car next week.)

Long long time ago, during the Veda times, everything was made of gold and people used diamond sticks to clean their noses, everyone had good karma, Munduroo was at the center of the universe, and god was happy and blessed us every day. Our stars protected us. We can call upon our star to find a good bride or groom and even help find a good supplier of laddoos for the weddings.

All that has now changed in this Kali yuga. The world is full of pollution. There are people who are denying simple truths. Some do not even believe that Brahma made us from the wisdom, love and cowpat accumulated in his armpits. These silly people makes me very sad. So, I am very happy to see the blessed work of the astrologers from Kerala and all over India. I also thank the nice lady from England who organized the astrology conference. She also allowed me to do business inside the astrology conference.

Indian astrologers, especially Kerala astrologers, are showing the world what to do with cowries. We must save this ancient science from the backwaters of time (Do you notice how I use good english and nice metaphors? I am improving english for international business. Good no?) May the great progenitor blow his conch in approval! May the White Horse lift it's muzzle and sneeze divine phlegm from which rishis germinate once again! May we put Munduroo and astrology back at the center of this universe.

Dear brothers and sisters from the internets, please, take a seat. With these holy cowries I will now tell you about the past, present, future and the time when there was no time - the time when you were only a vague thought in Brahma's scattered mind). You ask me to how I know about this timeless time? That's is a costly secret. Only Billy Goats and Warren Baba have enough money for it - yes, I know them, sons of Goddess Lakshmi from America. I send them email every day. You don't worry. I will tell you how you can become rich like them. What? No, no. I don't want to become rich myself. As I said before, I am simple man. I'll tell you something: special consultation price of only 1000 for internet visitors today. I take pounds, euros and dollars. Please email your name, credit card number, expiry date and the security code at the back of the card to munduroo@kerala.india. I'll only take 1000, whatever is your currency. No refunds, please.

Thanking you very much,
The humble astrologer from Munduroo,
Kerala, India.