Some free internet corn

It is with great regret that I report on the demoralizing state of corn culture. Over the last decade, this once mighty cereal grass has succumbed to the stigma of repeated negative public perceptions. Arguably, this unfortunate downward spiral was instigated by the advent of agricultural genetic manipulation, and specifically with the development of the Bt corn product.

Originally created as a corn variety with genes for a "bitchin' toxin," this plant was special, containing its own built-in pesticide, thereby granting a new era of efficiency in crop management. However, Monsanto, the firm responsible for its creation, were ignorant of the repercussions in using the word "bitchin" in their product, a slip in language that led to unwanted negative attention in the American bible belt - a region of massive agric-economical importance, and where 67% of those polled felt that "Corn is neat, but not as neat as praying in your underwear."

Frantically, Monsanto withdrew their initial advertising campaign and proclaimed that Bt corn was instead an acronym for "Beelzebub Tamer", which inadvertently offended the rest of America. Following this, a public relations debacle ensued with a long string of name changes including naming the product after "Bag'o'Treats" and (my favourite) the "Big Tickle." When the dust did settle, the GMO was finally named after a non-descript, conservative, respectable, and conveniently unsightly bacteria known as Bacillus thuringiensis.

However, the damage was done. Soon, the ugly term "cornography" reared its unslightly head. Where once it was common for respected citizens to partake in niblet cuisine, to revel in corndogs, or enjoy the snacking of popcorn, it became apparent that this behaviour was fast being frowned upon. Though sad to behold, it was no longer acceptable for individuals to "surf the internet for corn", or even proclaim happily "I've got free internet corn!"

On the global front, research soon surfaced on the potential ill effects that Bt corn could have on the Monarch butterfly, a creature whose unparallel beauty represented the very freedom of Nature being squashed by human technology. Despite this arguably overindulgence on the precautionary principle, this led to further harming of the image of corn.

The clincher, of course, was when the Jolly Green Giant, a veritable icon of the vegetable world, foolishly started to voice his questionable needs, bellowing for "Ho ho ho's" in print, through radio, and on national TV.

All of it, quite frankly, a perfect exercise in bad press. One can only hope that corn can rebound and make a comeback, but I fear that it is far too late. Ironically, any hope appears to have been thoroughly destroyed, and done so as well as any 'bitchin' toxin' could.

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Hey, don't look at me, I don't even own a cornograph.

Hrm, I wonder if that Bitchin' Toxin can be an effective Beelzebub Tamer. I know I have an awful Beelzebub infestation in my house...