You know, I’m the best librarian. Just the best. My collection is huge. The very very best collection. Such a great collection. I love collecting. I’m very good at bibliographic instruction. Nobody does bibliographic instruction like me. Students love it. I can talk for hours. I have long, beautiful book stacks. Look at those book stacks, are they small book stacks? I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.

And since I’m the best librarian, my pal The Donald, the President of the United States, has hired me to be the Chief Executive Officer for the National Parks Service Library System.

We all know how much he loves books, right?

Now I know that following my various job changes over the years seems a bit wearying, even for me, especially since I can’t seem to stick with anything for more than a year. Every April, like clockwork, there seems to be a new announcement. Whether it’s a group blog for revolutionary librarians, Chief Science Librarian for the Canadian Federal Government, launching a new journal, IJUST-CANT or JAPE.

Before making this historic announcement, I definitely wanted to get a management team into place. A better group of people could not be found to make the National Parks Services Library System great again! I am so proud to name my new team!

Chair of the Board: Yevgeny Zamyatin
Associate Director: Winston Smith
Associate Director, Branch Libraries: Aldous Orwell
Head of Collections, Fiction: Emmanuel Goldstein
Head of Collections, Non-Fiction: Julia O’Brien
Head of Reference Services: Offred Atwood

What’s JOB ONE you ask? Making our collections great again! To that end, I am directing our Heads of Collections to immediately and with full force to set our collections budget to zero dollars. We will no longer be purchasing any materials for our libraries and will only be relying on our deal-making abilities to fill our shelves with freebies from all the most famous American and foreign authors. You’ll love these books. You’ll love them like you’ve never loved a book before.

As of this moment, we will only be stocking books by the following authors:

  • Donald Trump
  • Newt Gingrich
  • Ann Coulter
  • Roger Stone
  • Sean Hannity
  • Sheriff David A. Clarke Jr.
  • Michael Savage
  • Bill O’Reilly
  • David Horowitz
  • Glenn Beck (classic books only)
  • Sarah Palin
  • Rush Limbaugh

Effective immediately, anyone who can prove they have read the timeless classic, The Art of the Deal, will be allowed free entrance into any National Park.

All music CDs held by our libraries will be by Ted Nugent. No exceptions. Except for whoever it was that sang at the inauguration. What’s-their-names.

I’m still looking for people to appoint as Heads of the various individual branch libraries in the various national parks, although I will personally be based at Badlands National Park and will serve as the head of that library.

As mentioned earlier, we will be removing all books currently in stock and replacing them with new improved ones. Here’s a list of all the books we will be removing from our collections.

I’d also like to mention a few more recent books which we will not be acquiring for our collection. Don’t read these books. They are fake news books.

As usual, I’m happy for suggestions about what books we should not purchase for our libraries!

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Here’s a list of my previous blog posts about how Donald Trump is going to make science and libraries great again!

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