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As some of you know, I have been seeking a job for several years (I won't embarass myself by saying exactly how many years). Needless to say, I have made a few discoveries along the way, one of which is how to decipher job ads. Below the fold is a dictionary of words and phrases that a friend sent to me. These words and phrases are often included in job ads for jobs that turn out to be something other than what they should have been based on the ad description. Feel free to add your own, too.
Ability to take charge: Your boss works 60-70 hours a week and has been looking very pale lately.
Ability to work independently: No support staff, you're on your own.
Boss's right hand:
1. Boss has two left hands.
2. Boss needs someone to do his work also.
Casual environment:
1. Dress down on alternate Fridays.
2. Personnel reviews done in company lunchroom or at company parties.
Challenging environment: Everyone here hates each other.
College degree required: We want to brag about having a college-degreed person doing this menial task.
College grads encouraged: We hope you'll accept any job, even this one, so you can pay off your loans.
Committed: You're supposed to display military-grade levels of loyalty and obedience.
Competitive culture: People stab each other in the back incessantly (see Challenging environment).
Diverse environment: We have one of everything here.
Energetic: You need to have a lot of energy to survive at our 80-hours-a-week company.
Entrepreneurial culture: We really don't know what we're doing so we're making it up as we go along.
Entry Level: Low pay, lotsa work, no future.
Equal opportunity employer: We pay women 85 cents on the male dollar instead of 79 cents.
Excellent benefits: The salary is below average.
Excellent opportunity: The rest of that phrase should read "to earn a paycheck" because that's all you're going to get.
Experienced: No training provided.
Experienced only: You'll be the only one who can do your job.
Fast-paced environment: You'll have to meet unreasonable deadlines with few or no proper resources to get the job done; lots of stress.
Flexible: Able to bend over backwards and kiss everybodys posterior.
Flexible hours: Overtime and weekend work required with no advanced notice.
Goal Oriented:
Ground-floor opportunity: Either an entry-level position, minimum wage grunt job, or another MLM scheme.
Leadership abilities: Your boss wants someone to cover for him while he plays golf.
Managerial experience: You'll be expected to supervise a bunch of children.
Motivated: Desperate.
Multi-tasking: Capable of doing your job and the job of the next person who will be 'laid off'.
Must be detail-oriented: You have to correct everyone else's sloppy work, but heaven help you if you make even the slightest error.
People skills: We expect you to take insults and yells from clients and from your boss and still smile.
Problem solver: You're supposed to save your boss's ass whenever some program he concocted doesn't work. If you fail, you're out and your boss stays.
Re-entering the work force:
1. You earn the same as you would as a stay at home mom without the cute smiles.
2. We'll pay you entry level wages and expect managerial experience.
Recently founded by a leading ______ : The person who started this company was fired from every job he's ever had.
Room for advancement: We want you to replace your future boss but at a smaller salary
Salary history required: We don't want to pay a lot for your work
Salary requirements: We don't want to read all the resumes we receive. Note: (see Salary History).
Salary negotiable:
1. We don't know how much to pay.
2. The more you can do, the less we can pay.
Self starter: You must do the job perfectly as soon as you start.
Some travel required: don't expect to see your family in the forseeable future -- and this phrase almost never means that you'll be traveling to Paris, Rome, Tokyo or NYC.
Supervisory position: We'll blame you for the other people's screw ups.
Team player:
1. Your boss gets the credit, you get the blame.
2. Don't you dare have an opinion of your own.
VC-funded start-up: We don't have a product, we don't have a service, we don't have any customers and we can barely make payroll.
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Committed: You're supposed to display military-grade levels of loyalty and obedience.
Competitive culture: People stab each other in the back incessantly (see Challenging environment).
Energetic: You need to have a lot of energy to survive at our 80-hours-a-week company.
Equal opportunity employer: We pay women 85 cents on the male dollar instead of 79.
People skills: We expect you to take insults and yells from clients and your boss and still smile.
Problem solver: You're supposed to save your boss's ass whenever some program he concocted doesn't work. If you fail, you're out and your boss stays.
Flexable: Able to bend over backwards and kiss everybodys a**.
Multi-tasking: Do your job and the job of the next person 'laid off'.
Goal Oriented: Willing to do *anything* for a paycheck.