tags: atheism, religion, science, evolution, humor
A reader sent me this list of atheist-positive anecdotes that have been seen either on a bumper sticker or a t-shirt. Of course, they are accurate as well as hilarious. Which ones are your favorites?
Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms
- Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
- Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
- Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
- Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
- *There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings
- "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day."Â God.
- *God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
- If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
- He's Dead.
It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already!
- *All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.
- Viva La EvoluciÃ³n!
- Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
- I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
- Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
- *People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
- Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.
- Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
- GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
- Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
- *God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
- God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
- When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!
- Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.
- You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing
- I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
- *Science: It Works, Bitches.
- "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
- I Found God Between The Sheets
- I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
- My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
- Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
- *If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
- Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
- *ALL Americans Are African Americans
- *I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
- I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
- The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
- *If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
- *JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
- *How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?
- *Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?
A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
- Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
- I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
- WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
- The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
- Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
- *Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
- God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
- When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank Sinatra.
- No Gods. No Mullets.
My favorites are starred.
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If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
13 is my favorite because it really displays the abuse inherent in indoctrinating children with faith-based belief.
Oops! Not 13. 17!
Here are my top 12. Great list
1. 26.Science: It Works, Bitches.
2. 32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
3. 39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
4. 4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
5. 27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
6. 33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
7. 47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
8. 2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
9. 21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
10. 15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
11. 41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made? A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
12. 13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
Here's another one:
Militant Atheists: We use words and reason, rather than bullets or planes!!!
Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church.
Similar to #32 I always liked one that said, "who are you to question why your god doesn't want me to believe in him?"
I have two stickers on my car: "What schools need is a moment of science."
and my favorite, because it is subtle,:
"Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium" Living in the deep bible belt south, it is a complete enigma to almost everyone, but occasionally while traveling around the state I have received a honk and a smiling thumbs up.
I rather like #43. But overall, speaking as an atheist and thoroughgoing rationalist, I hate bumper stickers. To me, regardless of the topic or political slant, a bumper sticker says "Hey! I'm a smartass and I get all my opinions in pre-digested soundbites!"
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Hey! If we monotremata are the result of being stoned (#20), what the hell was He taking when He created creationists?
"If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with."
Guess that explains Star Jones, Oprah,.......
If you also star the first four, then my picks are the same as yours.
I'll add one for myself and GrrlScientist:
I don't believe in god. I might be bipolar but I'm not that crazy.
Judging by the way the evangelicals in my family would react if they read this list, my favorite would be #42 "Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex". By react I mean freak out.
Not on a bumper sticker, but too good to not repeat: paraphrasing the late and lovely and much-missed English comedian Linda Smith: "If God had wanted us to worship him, he'd have made it easier by existing."
The original No. 26.
On fossils, Terry Pratchett one suggested that God was just playing with the pleistocene. And his explanation for the platypus involved the professors of the Unseen University. Need I say more?
Get Your Ass to Church! (from Landover Baptist)
When the Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Car?
T-shirt from Cafe Press: "Religion is for people who don't understand science." My mother will never see that shirt. I just don't need the yelling.
Bumper sticker: "The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." (I have two versions, attributed to either George Washington or John Adams, since the Treaty with Tripoli was written under GW-- and overwhelmingly approved by Congress-- and signed by new prez JA.)
Other bumper sticker: "The last time we mixed politics and religion, people got burned at the stake."
Also seen: "God is not a name; it's a job description."
"I went to the Creationism Museum and all I got was stupider."
Wonder what Ken Miller would think of these two:
What the heck made you think these were accurate?
Wow...I guess I'm the only perv who thought "Jesus is coming? Don't swallow that" was fucking hilarious!
J. J. Ramsey;
I suspect he'd find them mildly amusing. Miller is a smart person, and he knows that humor often makes use of hyperbole, over-generalization, and similar methods of simplification.
They are jokes using over-generalization, we all know they aren't accurate.
GodlessHeathen: "They are jokes using over-generalization, we all know they aren't accurate."
Our host apparently didn't. To quote her: "Of course, they are accurate as well as hilarious."
Herman Melville supposedly said "I cherish everyones right to their religious beliefs, no matter how comical"
Check out my exclusive review of a 1908 book on Intelligent Design by John Phin.
What the heck made you think these were accurate?
J.J. Ramsey did.
If Only All Theists Were This Modest
What a great post!
I don't understand why antitheism isn't becomming more popular. I may not be preaching enough (still not sure of this is my own thing or well-precedented).
Antitheism is the self-consistent set of beliefs where, if God shows up, you still refuse to believe in him, but you do make sure to run over and give a quick kick to God's kneecap.
If God shows up twice, you say, sorry, I only do experiments with n greater or equal to 3.
If God shows up a third time, you say "Look, you weren't here for more than 3 days in a few billion. Your appearance is a statistical outlier and must be discarded like any noise or lab waste."
Stop Lying to Children Break the Cycle of Religion
ID, intelligent design. The planet is 6,000 years old. Adam's 9th rib became his penis so that Eve could come from it, without a female. Adam, being the most intelligent design of all time has the same heart that a frog has. That's why frogs are studied. Most of Adam's brain is the same as the brain of a reptile. A cardiovascular system that is not as good as most animal. Hyena's and cheetah's cardiovascular systems are designed specifically for them and their lifestyle and is substantially of better design than that of human.Humans are basically a hybrid which doesn't even take the best body parts available for its construction. Just how intelligent is this?
Reginald Selkirk: "J.J. Ramsey did."
I realize that was more meant as a playground insult than a serious reply, but I'm not even a representative sample, on two grounds:
(1) I'm only one person.
(2) I'm not a theist.
Now if you really think Ken Miller is too stupid for science, or that there aren't plenty of Christians who think for themselves, then I can't help you.
Sir: I never said that Ken Miller was too stupid for science. Neither did the original aphorism. It said something about people who are too stupid for science. That would seem to exclude Ken Miller. So why would you try to claim that it is a statement about Ken Miller? You are the one insulting him. I am sorry that you are too stupid to understand that.
It is obvious that, in your thinking-impaired state, you are in no position to help me, so please don't exert yourself trying.
It is a post about bumper stickers. It is meant to give us all a chuckle.
That hard thing poking at the seat of your pants... it's a stick. You need to pull it out.
J. J. Ramsey: I think you need a course in basic logic. Suggesting that people who are too stupid to understand science should try religion is NOT the same as saying that all religious people are too stupid to understand science.
Keep Your Church Off My Ballot
anne: "I think you need a course in basic logic."
Ah, but we are talking bumper sticker slogans here. The question is not what the slogan means if you parse it carefully, but what it implies to someone viewing it briefly in passing. Indeed, advertisers take advantage of the way that they can imply a message without saying it outright. That's the game being played here.
anne: "Suggesting that people who are too stupid to understand science should try religion is NOT the same as saying that all religious people are too stupid to understand science."
Technically true, but you are only fooling yourself if you don't think the idea is to imply that religious people in general are too dumb to handle science, or just plain dumb, period.
Vitis01: "That hard thing poking at the seat of your pants... it's a stick. You need to pull it out."
I could see a Christian saying that to another Christian who cried foul at a bumper sticker reading "Atheist Day: April 1st (Psalm 14:1)". Or is crude stereotyping only okay when we do it?
I N R I
I'M NAILED RIGHT IN
Why are the biggest advocates of intelligent design the best examples against it?
Jim, I think the reason antitheism isn't more popular is simply that most people define themselves by what they do believe in or participate in, than by what they don't. I don't knit, for example, and I don't know anyone who does. But we don't get together once a week for "non-knitting night".
There are a lot of people who believe that the brand of fundamentalist Christianity espoused by the Republican party is ruining the country, but those people cover a huge spectrum, including the regular Christians and regular Republicans. Setting that issue aside, though, I think most atheists and agnostics just don't think that much about their nonbeliefs. Most of them just live their lives.
I don't know whether I believe in God or not, but it's not something I give a lot of thought to either way. I figure I'll find out when I die, and until then, there's really no way of knowing. So that's why I'm not and will never be a vocal atheist, antitheist, agnostic, or whatever.
But we are all invisible, except when something notices us.
Library Diva: I'm an atheist and I must say that the idea of antitheism seems a bit strange. Yes - I am anti-organised-religion when it injects itself into my day to day life, but to take a position where I am opposed to an as yet unseen entity is a bit extreme. However, I would say that the god of the Abrahamic religions (as advertised) is a total prick and I can't see any real reason why such a cruel and manipulative entity who behaves like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum is worthy of any respect. Maybe he can tap me on the shoulder and explain himself?
Speaking of threating children with hell as in number 17:
Check this out.
"Or is crude stereotyping only okay when we do it?"
To paraphrase an old favorite saying: "Crude stereotyping happens. Live with it, get over it, get on with your life". So no, it's not only okay when "we" do it, it's okay when *anyone* does it, because that's pretty much both the foundation of satire, and the essence of free-speech.
As others have said, the two stickers in question do NOT say, "everyone who is the slightest bit religious is stupid". They DO say, "religion does not require thinking". And that is a fair and accurate statement. That it can be interpreted other ways does not change the fact that the statement - as written - is accurate.
Have you ever spoken with him? I have and while his science is solid #39 applies to his stance on religion in more than 1 way.
But he is a really nice fellow.
you know, there are christian scientists. science is not looked upon as useless in how the world works. i just don't believe it worked alone in how the world was created. simply stated, if a "cosmic explosion" can explain my existance, i don't see much purpose for myself. i don't judge others beliefs. i understand that science offers a sense of solidity where my beliefs may not for others, but there ARE other religions in the world with a much more radical following than christianity and i have to wonder why atheism targets only christianity. these slogans i have to admit were somewhat amusing, but insanely ignorant. it's been said a thousand times that religious folk should be more tolerant, i think that should apply to atheists as well.
my favorite is:
Science: Pretending to understand the way things work for 100 years.
Evolution: The fervent grasping at an explantation for something you cannot explain without large gaps of "theory".
Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?
Pro-life AND Pro death penalty! It's the simple understanding that the innocent baby should live, and a killer should not. Hard to grasp?
And: Who created the big bang?
And my absolute FAVORITE: The endless universe... Created by nothing from nothing for nothing at all. Hows THAT for a scientific explanation?
Jesus has risen! Bake at 350 degrees 35 to 40 minutes.
If you're going to be bigoted and ignorant, at least manage to succeed at being funny. It helps people to hate you less.
these are more anti-christian than they are atheist.
Made one up: "Oh God! Come out, come out, wherever you are!"
Regardless of your knowledge and beliefs, please be kind to each other.
I agree with you but they are pretty funny if you detract the athiest title from it all.
Suggested bumper sticker:
ALL my wives are voting for Romney.
@vega: I don't think he's being bigoted and ignorant, just dumb. As for funny, I think I would probably wet myself laughing if I saw any of those on the back of a car, granted I wouldn't be laughing *with* him... ;-)
I particularly like the "Pro-life and Pro-death" quip; it shows the false assumption common amongst so many death-sentence supporters: the assumption that all people convicted of murder are actually guilty...
Thanks for the entertaining list.
Here are two more that I've seen:
"Non-judgement day is near"
"Religion is merely humanity's attempt to communicate with the weather"
Apes evolved from creationists
Since apparently being a picky jackass is in vogue, allow me to point out the blatantly fucking obvious fact that accurate and universally true are not necessarily synonymous.
Children ask your parents the truth about Santa Claus, then have them explain Jesus.
Religion works by controlling your sexuality, money and fear of death.
If you don't give up you wealth you can't get into heaven. This is why there are some many religious wars. Not because people want to get into heaven, but because the religious leaders want the money! Natures strongest drive is to propagate. Control that and you control the person and their money. You really can buy your way into heaven.
Death, not a problem. Unless you need a promise of eternal life. You will never die, not in 100 years, 1000 years or 1000000...what would you do with eternity? Before you where born you where nothing and after you die you once again become nothing. So for me, I have nothing to look forward to except right now. Living now, every moment counts. Hoping you have eternity to do everything, even if your right, how many times could you stand doing the same things over and over and over...?
Be nice to the people who need religious beliefs, after all its the only way governments can control their actions without using force.
"I N R I
I'M NAILED RIGHT IN"
ed @ #34
Perhaps you're merely attempting to be a provocateur, or I'm missing the joke. Otherwise, I can't imagine any atheist finding that funny. It is, in fact, precisely beliefs about transcendental martyrdom, resurrection, etc., that have led some Christians to revel in the violent persecution of Jesus. If we remove the supernatural framing, what are we are left with (assuming, that is, that this story has any basis in fact)? The death by torture of a local religious figure considered to be linked to a troublesome insurgency in an occupied territory, carried out by an empire bent on world domination. As horrific 2,000 years ago as it is today.
We've found the body. Easter cancelled.
@49: Good one, Wagner!
Your brain is your shepherd.
I can't believe you missed
"Atheism is myth-understood"
Class. And yes, science and religion are mutually incompatible systems of belief. One has superceded the other - the religious *are* too stupid for science.
anon: "I can't imagine any atheist finding that funny."
I can. Heck, I can even imagine some Christians finding that funny. It's just a tasteless play on words. Not my cup of tea, but at worst, it's only tacky. It's not like it's Amos and Andy (which I presume Armchair Dissident would find funny since he said that crude stereotyping is okay for anyone to do :-p).
The majority of "problems" caused by religion are generally created by politicians (who can pervert anything) and "violent extremists" of a given belief system.
The majority of extremists can be classified as "separatists", who are simply annoying (to everyone not in their clique) due to their sense of moral superiority, certainty that they have the "truth" and their desire to avoid, mock or deride those of another faith.
Like it or not, Atheism is a belief system. For all practical purposes, the existence of a God (or gods or whatever) is impossible to prove in a scientific fashion (and proving that something does NOT exist is even more difficult). Like most major religions, Faith is the fuel, belief is the product. After this, we humans fool ourselves into "knowing".
If you _know_ that count(God)==1 AND that folks who disagree are inferior and should be avoided, you're a "monotheistic religious extremist and separatist". You're a simple follower of a popular orthodoxy.
If you _know_ that count(God)==0 AND that folks who disagree are inferior and should be avoided, you're an "atheist extremist or secular separatist". You're a simple follower of a popular orthodoxy.
Whatever you choose to believe or disbelieve is fine. Yay for belief! Once you purport to "know", then you're just being silly.
PS. The list is f*ing hilarious, though some items might serve better in religion-vs-religion wars.
Of course there is a God. But will it blend?
"Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for valuable cash prizes" ?
J. J. Ramsey,
You're wrong. Jokes about torture are not "at worst" tasteless or tacky. They are at worst appalling, particularly in the current political context. The reason I suspected the original commenter of provocation is that posting that as a contribution to a list of atheistic bumper stickers carried the insinuation that atheists, because they don't believe that Jesus was (part) supernatural, died for their sins, etc., would therefore naturally find humor in his torture and execution. There may be atheists and Christians who would find this amusing, and they belong in some category I won't bother to name, but this would have nothing whatsoever to do with their belief or disbelief in a deity or deities. So this is not an example of an atheist bumper sticker.
There's one kind of aggresive... but what the heck, they had the Spanish Inquisition :P
"The only church that lightens is the one that burns"
Another great list of anti-establishment quotes:
I find it strange that "internet atheist" spend all their time talking about religion.
"Science: It Works, Bitches" is from the amazingly funny XKCD webcomic, and is available as a t-shirt.
Men have nipples. Intelligent Design?!
Science is not a belief.
Science is a method of examining the material universe.
Wearing any of these slogans on a t-shirt will make you look like rather a dag I think - isn't it rather narcissistic to force soundbite views on others in the street? Though I agree with them.
Does Jesus believe in dinosaurs?
Actually, my fave is a gamer geek riff on #39 that I got from the comments of a blog called Pooflingers Anonymous:
Jesus saves. All others take full damage.
Why do believers always want so bad to peg atheism as a religion? Most atheists I know including myself do not think of themselves as having atheism as their religion, but just not having a religion. To me, religion is not something that everyone has to have. Like having a favorite Smurf. Some people just don't see how they need that in their lives. Yet believers continue to say that it is just another set of beliefs that constitute a religion. If that is the case then Santa Claus is a religion as is belief in UFO's and ghosts. I am fine with that as it just dilutes the definition of religion to the point where it is meaningless.
Slightly anti-Christian, but in the same vein as the above:
"If we're all God's children, then what makes Jesus so special?" - attributed to the comedian Jimmy Carr, I believe.
"Not my cup of tea, but at worst, it's only tacky. It's not like it's Amos and Andy (which I presume Armchair Dissident would find funny since he said that crude stereotyping is okay for anyone to do :-p)"
Looking at wikipedia, I see that "Amos and Andy" was a US comedy show. Being British and being born in the 1970's, I'd never heard of it until today. Never having seen it, I couldn't comment as to whether it was funny or not, but it was apparently good enough for white Christian America.
anon: "J. J. Ramsey,
You're wrong. Jokes about torture are not 'at worst' tasteless or tacky. They are at worst appalling"
Point taken. I was forgetting that crucifixion was torture. :(
Armchair Dissident: "Looking at wikipedia, I see that 'Amos and Andy' was a US comedy show."
It is also known for being a racist show. To be fair, when I looked at the Wikipedia entry, the real situation was more complicated than that, but the point was that when you wrote that crude stereotyping is okay when anyone does it, you were opening up yourself to charges that you had no problems, for example, with racial stereotypes.
Xyzzy: "Like it or not, Atheism is a belief system."
No, atheism is a single belief about God, which can be integrated into a wide range of belief systems, some as benign as secular humanism, and others as virulent as Stalinist communism. Furthermore, atheism doesn't require perfect certainly, only a lack of belief in deities.
"Jesus SAVES! The rest of you, take half-damage."
"Militant Agnostic: I don't know, AND NEITHER DO YOU!"
Southern Fried Skeptic, I want your bumper stickers.
I've seen "Jesus saves! The rest of us use credit cards."
Born right the first time, thanks!
JESUS SAVES / MOSES INVESTS
I thought this list was great.
Here's one that a friend of mine saw on a bathroom wall a couple of years ago: Jesus saves....by switching to Geico.
ed: "JESUS SAVES / MOSES INVESTS"
Careful. The "Moses invests" parts risks looking like an untoward reference to the stereotypes about Jews and money, especially if told by a Gentile. The other "Jesus saves ..." jokes are pretty safe, though.
WORSHIP NOW AND AVOID THE RUSH
My own personal bumper-sticker length favorite:
Reality > Belief
since it doesn't indict any particular religion, but rather asserts the primacy of that which exists.
Why should this be considered atheistic?
"you were opening up yourself to charges that you had no problems, for example, with racial stereotypes."
Fair comment. I was thinking specifically of stereotyping a person based on their ideas, which is reasonable, as opposed to stereotyping based on "race", sex or sexuality, which is just dumb.
"Jesus had a bad weekend for your sins" The logics goes something like this - Jesus is part of the immortal Trinity and therefore never DIED for your sins, but did have a rather nasty weekend.
I also enjoy "Nietzsche is God" & "He Who lives by God shall Die by God"
How about "There's a Sucker born every minute, but the real money is made from those Born Again."
I had it as "Jesus saves, Moses invests, Buddha recycles." Not sure about Mohammed, though. "Has hallucinations and believes the Angel Gabriel talks to him" isn't specific enough...
From his reported sayings 'Hadith' I'ld suggest that he trades; that might fit your list.
He was meant to have been a trader originally.
Saaaaaave me jebus
Armchair Dissident: "Fair comment. I was thinking specifically of stereotyping a person based on their ideas"
But that isn't what you are really doing. Rather, what you are doing is stereotyping a person based on what you think their ideas are. Trouble is, most of the big-time religions are also very big tents. Knowing that someone considers oneself religious doesn't tell me a whole lot, and even the label "Christian" doesn't narrow things down much. In the end, then, this sort of stereotyping accomplishes about the same thing as racial stereotyping does, namely making unjustifiably broad assumptions about a very varied group of people.
Xyzzy at #60:
"Like it or not, Atheism is a belief system." Oh, really?
Have the person doing your typing look up 'belief system' and read it to you, then lecture you on acting stupid in public. Unless you're running for some political office, it's just not entertaining.
For the record, stupid one: atheism MEANS without god belief. That's why it's NOT capitalized like Catholocism, for example, which IS a belief system.
Jeebus, Xyzzy, tell your obviously related parents to quit turning out inbreeds like you. You're poisoning the gene pool, moron.
"Popular orthodoxy." What an idiot!
My fave? "Curb your God"
How about this,
You stand on your knees, I will stand beside you. You begin praying to "god" that I don't kick you in the mouth. (you will have 1 minute to pray; he built the whole universe in a week, it shouldn't take longer than that to keep me from kicking you in the face)
I will kick you in the mouth. Repeatedly. For each kick you receive, you give me $10000
If god stops me from kicking you, I will dedicate my life to god.
ready? or do you not have faith in god?
It wouldn't fit on a bumper sticker.
Would hardly fit on a T-Shirt and be legible.
It is nasty and vicious.
Oh yes, I'll make you a similar offer.
Give Scientific evidence of the non-existance of God or Gods; has to have been peer reviewed in a 1st or 2nd tier scientific journal and be reproducible.
Philosophical ramblings and/or personal worldviews not allowed. Nor are arguments from incredulity (i.e. no probability arguments). Just reproducible scientific facts.
Go on, convince me :o)
"Why understand, when you can believe"
Christopher Moore (Coyote Blue)
Because I like understanding what people believe.
They are good, They are bad,
They are weak, They are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
from The House by the Side of the Road by Sam Walter Foss
Oh yes, one to add to the list of aphorisms.
"Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam"
My fave: Jesus saves, Gretzky gets the rebound and SCORES!
WORSHIP NOW AND AVOID THE RUSH / S R O AT THE END
"But we are all invisible, except when something notices us."
Nevertheless, we cast both an optical and thermal shadow.
Conversation with Jesus
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in
sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with
a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a
particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love
they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful,
beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil.
Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of
life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your
heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you
some more, Senor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Nobody has mentioned one of my faves,
I'll support prayer in the schools when they teach math in church.
Chris' Wills - give me scientific evidence of the non-existence of the holy triumvirate of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and Cthulhu, and I'll consider your god.
Which God would that be?
Methinks that you are making an unwarranted assumption.
Then again you might agree with 'iamb' in #94 who suggested kicking the face of someone whose worldview was at odds with his/hers to not-prove a rather silly point. If you bothered to read you might have noticed that that was whom and what I was responding to.
Oh yes; why do you think that I don't believe in the FSM, IPU and Cthulhu ?
Do you make a habit of reaching conclusions without evidence? Not very rational.
Whichever one you might have been referring to. My point was that in trying to claim that iamb was being unnecessarily nasty, instead of just saying that you threw up a tired, stupid argument regarding proving a negative. That is, in common parlance, almost always followed by the equally stupid conclusion that if a negative can't be proven, then it's automatically true.
Very few people believe in any one of them; given even a layperson's knowledge of population and belief distribution, it is very rational to generalize that there is no one person who devoutly believes that all of them are real beings.
Of course, evidence to the contrary would be of enormous interest, and would demonstrate that that particular generalization had at least one genuine exception. Are you asserting that you do in fact believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and Cthulhu are all real beings?
And in an unrelated question, are you by any chance posting from an insane asylum?
Thank you. I desperately want to turn some of these into billboards, but fear irony isn't tested on the SAT.
I do not think they are real. However, if somebody were to tell me he did think they were real, I would not tell him he was wrong. In fact, I will not tell anybody their beliefs are wrong unless I can prove it. That may one day require me to tolerate somebody's belief in FSM, but so far it hasn't come up.
Anyway, I'm afraid I don't have any new bumper stickers to add. MikeG's is my favorite so far.
But Brandon, would you ask for some proof that those beliefs were real? Would you ask for proof if they wanted you to believe it too? Would you ask for proof if they wanted to legislate their beliefs?
I shouldn't drink while reading blogs.
I got down to 16 [jesus is coming..] before I sprayed Cabernet all over my keyboard.
"Religion is a crutch for people who can't think for themselves"
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
Jesus saves, by shopping wisely and using coupons.
I have a Ray Troll "Out of the Ooze and born to cruise" T-Shirt which goes down well at conferences.
More from Cafe Press:
Did God make Darwin's Brain?
Cool. Numbers 9 and 15 were written by me, wording has been slightly altered. :)
A man without god is like a fish without a bicycle.
I wish some of you posting here would get a sense of humor.
Humor isn't meant to be politically correct, OK?
Sarah: "I wish some of you posting here would get a sense of humor."
Why do you assume that some of the posters don't have a sense of humor?
Sarah: "Humor isn't meant to be politically correct, OK?"
The problem isn't political correctness. The problem is trying to have it both ways. On the one hand, many of you see these aphorisms as a "Ha, ha, only serious" way of conveying purported truths about the religious. A giveaway of this is in the opening post, where our host writes, "they are accurate as well as hilarious." On the other hand, when it is pointed out that these purported truths are B.S., you then fall back on "It's only a joke."
It does matter what I was responding to, even if in your world it doesn't.
I was simply reversing the arguement he made.
I apologise if it offends you; but I happen to object to violence being proposed to prove a point, even if meant in jest.
I also never said that what cannot be shown false is true, you just threw that in.
Would it in any way affect the validity of the comment?
How many people do you know?
More importantly, how many people do you know who would admit to believing in creatures raised in arguements as being obviously unreal?
My only reason for mentioning this is that, someone who did believe (with or without devotion) in all three is hardly likely to let on are they? So no public records would exist.
You'ld be calling for them to be locked away and forcibly "cured" in a secure hospital for the mentally unbalanced.
Not being an atheist or a theist (I find that both POV are too rigid,) I am glad that the Bible (that ever so portable priest's library, admits that the Babylonian-Judeo-Christian-Islamic thunder-god, didn't create everyone and everything, since there were, even at the time of the Garden of Eden, "other people."
I am proud to be one of the "other people."
In particular, that particular 'God' has awful manners, lies, cheats and betrays his own people and pretends that they have the right and ability to do other than as He asks--except that He promises to inflict agony upon them unless they do as He says...
I'm sorry, I forgot. Am I writing about God or Mr. Bush? I'm confused, but then, Mr. Bush is more confused.
Is there anyone out there who will come to the aid of the citizens of the United States?
We hate our government at least as much as you do--and it has enslaved us!
Government is the natural enemy of mankind.
I saw a perfect example of the 'other side' bumper stickers a few months ag:
I live in Metro Atlanta, rightly known as Redneckistan.
I was driving by an evangelical Baptist church, and saw the following bumper stickers on one of the biggest pickup trucks I've ever seen:
On one side: "God Bless George Bush"
And on the other side: "Nuke Their ASS, TAKE The Gas"
I was slightly disgusted, until I realized that it was a Tuesday, in the middle of the afternoon, and there were no other vehicles in the parking lot - then I got really nauseous.
My bumper sticker:
My dinosaur ate your jesus fish.
Oh, not at all. Especially since I note that you failed to actually respond about what your beliefs actually were.
So you are implying that such a person would in fact be delusional? And asserting that they would yet also aware of being delusional?
How many people do you know?
Do you make a habit of reaching conclusions without evidence? Not very rational.
"Adults with imaginary friend are stupid."
"Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church."
^.^ I might be a theist, but these things are still hilarious. Still though, it hardly seems fair to compare the stupidest theists and the brightest atheists on a scale of intelligence; stupid for stupid, it doesn't matter where you stand, if you're trying to explain it you will make people never want to be associated with your idiocy.
Wow, this thread is still going on. OK, here's my favorite Jesus joke--it's my understanding that you not only go to hell for telling it, you go to hell just for laughing at it.
Q: Why did all the chicks dig Jesus?
A: (Stand and spread arms wide) Because he was hung like THIS!!
'Wherever your going to heaven would be hell for me'
I've got one that a friend saw on a t-shirt once:
"I want Jesus to come inside me"
You could even wear it to grandma's house!
Hoo-ah, though. I don't think I'd ever actually wear any of these, but they're entertaining. That kind of "laugh and wince at the same time" joke reminds me of a photo caption at theonion.com when the Bush twins turned - what, 18? 21? Whatever... but: "Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open for Public Drilling".
@Owlmirror: relax, eh? You need to slow down and examine your arguments. The default stance for anything is non-belief. You and I share non-belief in Santa, pink unicorns, Thor, etc. The difference seems to me that you have adopted a belief in a god who presumably created us all, listens to prayers and intercedes in reality, etc.. In theory, it would seem possible for some objective proof to be gathered to support the "God" concept. I haven't seen any yet -- have you? Thus, who's "reaching conclusions without evidence"?
Maybe this is the wrong forum for this discussion, anyway. Or maybe it's also already been explored ad nauseum, but you haven't taken the trouble to ever dig even a little.
I have failed to advise what my beliefs are, this is true in general though I did mention two of my beliefs earlier.
I hold that methodological naturalism (i.e. Science) is an Agnostic (in respect of pro/anti theist/deist claims) pursuit and that it is foolish for either side in the debate to claim Science as having proved their claims.
Sciences provides data/information about how the natural world works, it doesn't supply moral guidance.
It has the great advantage of actually producing results that are explanatory and predictive.
I believe that proposing physical assault, even in jest, is not good. I was suprised that everyone else seemed to accept the comment, especially as torture is normally considered a bad thing.
That isn't my assertion.
I am asserting that they would guess that others would perceive them to hold delusional views.
Know is hard to define with people.
How many people do I know well is problematic and would only be a guess on my part, my guess is a dozen or so.
True, it was a leap to a conclusion without hard evidence.
If it is untrue, I apologise.
haven't seen my favorite:
"Atheism isn't a religion. It's a personal relationship with reality."
Missed this one: "Dear God: pleae protect me from your followers"
I'm laughing so hard, I can't breathe.
#31 is my favorite.
Kittens are so cute. :)
While science is indeed descriptive, it can therefore nonetheless be used to analyze populations and explain how the rise of moral guidance might arise in that population to its ultimate benefit. Science might also therefore be able to predict which moral guides would best achieve some defined and arbitrary future goal, such as maximum survival and happiness for that population.
Oh, I generally agree. The original comment you responded to was excessive.
I fail to see how that substantially differs from what I wrote.
The implication is that they are deluded, yet part of their mind is at least in some ways less deluded, in that it is aware of the unreality of the delusion.
Certainly, from my own readings on the human mind, cognition and understanding can be sufficiently complicated that this might well occur.
The question you responded to was mostly intended as snarky rhetoric. While I would not generally advocate institutionalizing the deluded unless they were a danger to themselves or others, someone who truly believed in the reality of various random beings recently imagined (some of them malevolent), might believe in anything, including that some set of people were evil and ought to be attacked, or in other words, such a person might well be a danger to themselves or others.
A friend of mine once had a fridge magnet that read:
I found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
My favorite are 24 and 47.
jaybe (#43), you wrote "Abortion: Another low self esteem whore gave a little sex in exchange for love, why kill the only good thing that will come of her existence?"
Let me guess: you're a guy. No one with a uterus would write something like that. It's not even funny, it's just pure hate.
You probably also think that no one you love and respect has ever had an abortion. Think again:
Wake up and smell the coffee, jaybe. The women having abortions are not on some far-away planet of immoral whores (though wouldn't you like to know where that is!), they are all around us, they are our (your!) mothers, daughters, sisters and friends. They have abortions for a lot of reasons, reasons you cannot possibly understand until you yourself have experienced the terror of an unwanted pregnancy.
Still missing one here, a t-shirt from the 60s.
On the front:
I'VE SEEN GOD. . .
and on the back:
. . . AND SHE'S BLACK!
I still quote that one to see the reaction. If someone doesn't think it's funny AT ALL, then we're not going to get along AT ALL.
"I am asserting that they would guess that others would perceive them to hold delusional views.
How many people do you know?
Know is hard to define with people.
How many people do I know well is problematic and would only be a guess on my part, my guess is a dozen or so."
Check out this bit of random stupidity with a vocabulary. It's fun sometimes to watch the logic-clueless try and debate each other. Like a child with a pocket watch and a pipe that blows bubbles.
(This has already but pointed out, but...) Hint: you still haven't gotten past the logical fallacy of negative proof. And saying that it doesn't apply because you're not saying you do believe in a god doesn't work, either; you're asking others to justify their non-belief. And negative belief--"I believe there isn't"--is the same as "I don't believe there is."
Denying the very possibility of a thing is perhaps a different issue, but that's not the default atheist position, anyway.
JESUS HAD A BAD WEEKEND FOR YOUR SINS!
Please advise the random stupidity; either why it is random or why it is stupid?
Note: Because you don't agree with it isn't a valid answer.
Hint: I was replying to a comment by reversing the positions to reveal why it wasn't a strong arguement.
Seems you failed to register this.
Perhaps a different issue. I'm suprised that you don't know.
What is the default atheist position, in your opinion?
Teleology isn't part of science. What is considered good (the aim of a project) is not a scientific aim.
Yes science may show us a means to achieve an end but it can show us more than one and the target isn't decided by Science but by mere humans.
In your note you mention maximum survival. Of whom? Is my question. Please don't say humanity.
Personaly speaking; humanity can kiss its arse goodbye if it means me and mine don't survive.
Yes I know you may think I'm human and so do I but survival of your kin against survival of mine; guess who I pick.
If I hold that the God worshipped by mohammedans is false it is hardly delusional to suspect that I would be foolish to express that view publicly.
Note to the wise: I am not in Kansas.
Here we part company.
The idea of incarcerating someone because of what they will perhaps maybe do.
That is anathema to me.
If someone breaks the law or hurts me and mine then I would recommend or seek retribution, but on the offchance that they may or I think they are inclined to never.
If someone asks for help, then yes giving it is the right thing to do, but forcing my worldview on others.
It is also a dangerous road to tread.
The road to perdition is paved with good intentions.
How do you suspect that God believers would use such a rule, given that they likely hold most non faith holders as being demeneted/delusional or otherwise dangerous to the well being of society.
I think that my favorite not-on-the-list bumper sticker aphorism is:
Jesus is coming -- look busy!
Thank God for Christopher Hitchens
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer God than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all other possible Gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
My favorite is: I don't believe in God for the same reason I don't believe in Mother Goose, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
NOT ONLY DID MAN CREATE GOD, HE WENT AS FAR AS TO CREATE THE WORD "GOD".
Greetings! Just dropped by to say HELLO, and read over your blog. Nice blog site set up. Your welcome to visit mine as well. Have a Great Day !!!
Cell: (305) 831-4548
Greetings! Just dropped by to say HELLO, and read over your blog. Nice blog site set up. Your welcome to visit mine as well. Have a Great Day !!!
Cell: (305) 831-4548
You forgot: "It's your god, they're YOUR rules, YOU burn in "hell"!
Ever since the debacle last year regarding RU486 and Tony Abbott I've always liked "Keep your rosaries off my ovaries"
My favourite - albeit not short enough for a T Shirt: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree
Come on you guys this list is only meant to be fun, why then are there so many people nocking it, i loved them all and want to add afew myself if i am permitted........... Thank You
They say seeing is believing, Has anyone seen god?
God is just an imaginary friend for adults
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
God makes man in his own image. Many men are gay. That means god must be bisexual.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse
Personally it's not God I dislike, it's his fan club I can't stand.
Thank you and goodnight
Here's an atheist shirt for your list: "Darwin Athletic Club: Survival of the Fittest."
Found Jesus? If nobody claims him in 30 days, he's yours.
must we fight amoungst ourselves?
I mean, seriously, these slogans were just for laughs.
If we argue to the death that our beliefs are true, wouldn't we be as bad as christians?
If they don't want to believe in evolution, and waste their lives in a church, then let them. Ignorance is bliss.
There are just some people that you can't convince.
How about Atheists do it Unsupervised?
I'm not here to try to convince anyone of anything. I just thought i would express a little bit about some of the things you guys are saying. To me personally it's really sad to see everyone here so lost. This world has really turned you guys inside out. This world has planted these views of Christians killing, hating and destroying when that's not even what it's about. If anyone who says they are christian and does anything remotely close to killing hating and destroying then they are further away from Christ then you guys are. You guys this is about a love so big and so huge that i don't even think you guys could fathom it. Were not here to make you guys do anything you don't want to. We simply are here just to love. It's totally up to you guys what you want to believe. I understand this world pressures you on what to believe. Same thing happens with us. I just want you guys to talk to me about your personal experiences and what has drawn you away from Christ. I'm not here to judge cause I'm the last one to judge anyone on anything. I'm certainly not perfect but there is someone who is and someone who loves you. I love you guys for sure. Search your heart with an open mind.
Not sure if anyone's posted this one (too many to read at lunch):
Faith: Belief without evidence, in one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. - Ambrose Bierce, Devil's Dictionary.
A couple of my very own:
Religion is god's way of lubricating your asshole for His Dick.
I deeply believe your deep beliefs are deeply stupid.
Avoid exercise and school. God prefers you fat and stupid.
"God" is shorthand for "I'm ignorant".
Some of the slogans had me LMFAO as we say in England. As a proudly secular, religion loathing Reagan/Thatcherite CONSERVATIVE domiciled in religious nutter Dixie I was somewhat unamused by the leftist anti-liberation of Iraq etc sentiments. Being an assiduously secular conservative is not easy in GA.
There's a string of good religious jokes I know ... just a few:
After the last supper who did the washing up?
Did the holy ghost find Mary's G-spot?
When the holy ghost overshadowed Mary did she have an orgasm?
How can we get to heaven if British Airways (or whatever national airline) are on strike?
I can go to heaven anytime I want ... I have a British passport.
How can I get to heaven if British Rail/Amtrak are on strike?
Jesus was impotent ... he took 3 days to rise and 2000 years later he still hasn't come. .......oldies but goldies folks
Jesus is dead. He was killed by the Italians. It gave them something to do over Easter.
I wrote the bible ... but I only meant it as a joke.
The difference between you and the bible - is the bible's only (show thumb and forefinger) that THICK!!
It says in the backward racist/sexist koran - in two different suras - that all non-believers will end up with blackened faces ... so who the fuck is gonna tell Michael Jackson? (bit late now ... I know).
On my truck I have several stickers, including
DARWIN LOVES YOU
God was my copilot but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.
I will admit to being too gutless to put this on my truck ... someone would very likely badly vandalise it ...
Jesus Loves Me ... But I Make Him Wear A Condom
In reply to @jaybee on line #43,
How is it that you some how think that science is some kind of a set of beliefs. Science is nothing more than being objective to certain hypothesis. A scientific theroy is an educated guess that is well supported by know facts. It is substanciated by proof. It is not just a guess. It is studied, reviewed, research and then subjected to other scientist objectiveness in scientific journals. When a scientific theory like evolution has substanciated facts like DNA, transitional fossils (missing links), and geology, for example to help support it's claim then it is known as a scientific theory. What does Christianity have?
A book of testimonies? Who witnessed God creating Heaven and Earth? Biblical scholars beleive it was Moses that wrote the Torah (the first five books of the bible), but how could he possibly be the witness if he hadn't be born yet? And if you want to know about Christian family values try reading Luke 14:26. As Jesus said the wise man builds his house upon the rock (truth), and the fool builds his upon the sand (false beliefs), the rock represents two things the truth and foundation (beginning), and the houses represents ones beliefs or faith. So do you base your truths on beliefs or do you base your beliefs on truth.
If thy have a boastful tongue let it be that which rest upon thy head the Crown of Truth.
P.S. I like the one that says; "Real men don't have imagonary friends".
I'll take my atheism without the assholery, please. These are better described as antitheist.
And overall, I prefer to identify as a secular humanist.
I'm not sure who said this: "Civilization will not be healthy until religion is universally considered to be a cultural aberration".
"Can I teach evolution in your church?",
"Have You Threatened Your Children With Eternal Damnation Today?"
Faith is no reason