I'm never going to defeat Chuck Norris at this rate

After my self-imposed week off, I am back reading. Have a good week.

Norris eats his god, PZ nails Norris's god.

Not great, but sort of gets the idea across.

Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/2kxyc7

Sorry PZ...

I took a look at Chuck Norris's new book this weekend at the book store. I don't think all the rational thought in the Universe can counter such intense delusion.

Sorry PZ, But Nothing has ever beat Chuck Norris, NOT EVEN THE 'WILL IT BLEND' BLENDER!!!!!

Honestly though, I always hated Chuck Norris, *horrible actor etc.* How did this 'Chuck Norris is gawd' actually get started?

Oh, c'mon, that one about your hair is pretty damn funny.

What do you mean? Words like etiolated are perfect for catch-phrases!

I'm hampered by not knowing who Chuck Norris is - and hence what might plausibly be funny about any comparison. At least PZ is (in)famous.

I'm hampered by not knowing who Chuck Norris is - and hence what might plausibly be funny about any comparison. At least PZ is (in)famous.

Oh boy. Chuck Norris is a thrid rate actor who stared in many martial arts and cheesy war films in the 70's-90's.

He's also a Born Again Christian who has a column at World Nut Daily where he displays some of the most extreme examples of stupidity one can find online.

A few years back he had a strange sort of resurgence when some Internet jokesters started a meme telling jokes about how tough Chuck Norris is.

(.)(.)

That of course should be "third rate actor" and "starred".

NO MEME FOR YOU! FAIL! LOL!

The fact someone can not know who Chuck Norris is gives me hope for the future of humankind. I contributed two--I quite like my second one (he said modestly):

"Chuck Norris's mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers' mission is to free the saved world."

An embarrassing misunderstanding: one day, when Chuck Norris was trying to impress by flaunting his personal statistics, he shouted out a number, his IQ. PZ thought he was bragging about the weight of his testicles in ounces, and responded in kind.

PZ still won.

And Chuck will never get this joke.

Rev. BDC, KoT, [letters pending],

Did you get my email a few days ago? Also, in case you missed it, JeffreyD left a note for you @ #111 on the "Material Support" thread.

Norris swam under land? So did David Hasselhoff. And David Hasselhoff starred in a film with Spongebob, which cranks his Awesome Factor far above that of Norris.

Therefore Hasselhoff > Chuck Norris. We should be memeing PZ with The Hasselhoff.

PZ Myers goes to Bemidji for fun.

Yeah, the one about the hair is true enough to be funny. I was recently told that I could be recognized in a crowd where I was only visible from the eyebrows up.

It's good news. I figure if ever I want to disappear, I'll just go down to the beauty salon and get permed into a 'fro.

Ack. I haven't checked that address this weekend. Let me check that out.

actor ... in many martial arts and cheesy war films

Ah, I don't normally watch those sorts of things.

That of course should be ... "starred".

I think I preferred your original - especially if it happened to be true, given the other claim of bad acting.

The fact someone can not know who Chuck Norris is gives me hope for the future of humankind.

Not really, since I'm not remotely a plausible representative of humans.

I still don't really have a personal feel for the badness of the Chuck Norris; however, how about:

Chuck palls and Paul chucks.

There's also potential in the Norris vs Morris angle.

I'm a big fan of

PZ Myers naturally selected your sister last night. twice.

If only I was a biologist and could make jokes like that in teh RL :(

PZ has the power to defeat Norris by Kung Fu Thought, which Norris has abandoned to persue the brain destroying concepts of Young Earth Creationism. All PZ has to say is-

"We must all do what we must do, for if we do not, then what we must do does not get done."

Norris then collapses into a vegetative state, suitable for planting in an organic zen garden.

Oh, c'mon, "PZ messes with Texas" is pretty darn good. And no, I didn't come up with it.

Chuck Norris said atheists should be branded with the sign of the cross.
PZ Myers is an atheist.
And he's very cross.

Chuck Norris sells jeans: PZ knows genes.

I looked at Chuck Norris' critique of "The Golden Compass," and nowhere does it say he actually saw the movie, or read the books. It looks like his opinion is based solely on the Focus on the Family review.

It's also interesting that WingNutDaily doesn't appear to allow comments.

It's also interesting that WingNutDaily doesn't appear to allow comments.

It's not really as interesting as it is not surprising.

My own lousy contribution:

Chuck Norris is God, and PZ thoroughly desecrated His body. He declined to bite it, though. Can't say I blame him for that. I mean, look at that beard. Ugh.

I figure if ever I want to disappear, I'll just go down to the beauty salon and get permed into a 'fro.

actually, that sounds like the losing end of a bet, to me.

now I just have to figure out the bet.

PZ with a fro...

priceless.

here's mine:

Chuck Norris has only two legs to dispense his own brand of justice. PZ Myers has EIGHT.

The Chuck Norris 'jokes' worked because Chuck Norris is a clown to begin with.

I'm just not cartoony enough yet.

But you looked so adorable in that diaper!

I did see a cartoon - on Facebook, I think - that said simply:

There is no theory of Evolution. There is just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

When threatened, PZ has been known to spontaneously evolve extra testicles.

PZ faced down an all powerful supernatural being called Jesus and won. The cracker ended up with a nail through it while being covered by a banana peel.

I don't like this PZ-Chuck Norris thingamajig. I'm still hoping we can start calling him PZ Solo and make photoshopped comics about his adventures smuggling atheist literature across the galaxy (and to turkey).

"In this world, Chuck Norris can eat calamari.

In PZ's world, the calamari can eat Chuck Norris."

PZ spammed "Chuck Norris Facts" in Barrens chat.
(You know it's true, PZ. Who else would name their toon "pzmyrzownzu"?)

I just added this to Greg Laden's list of Meyers vs. Norris:

Chuck Norris fights evolution in a martial-arts kind of way by using scientists' own words against them!

PZ Meyers fights creationism in an intellectual kind of way by using those same words -- but he knows what they mean!

It's good news. I figure if ever I want to disappear, I'll just go down to the beauty salon and get permed into a 'fro.

Jheri-curl!

Chuck Norris: Know Jesus, no peace.
PZ: No Jesus, know peace.

Crossposted from Greg's place:

PZ's world is intelligently designed. Chuck Norris's isn't. Ironic, huh?

Chuck Norris kicks PZ's ass for God. PZ kicks God's ass for Chuck Norris.

I have to agree the majority of the attempts haven't quite been up to snuff (though that's coming from someone too uncreative to even attempt to contribute), but I must say I did like yours:

Chuck Norris needs two words to be identified. PZ does it in two letters.

Chuck Norris should be assaulted with crackers, so that every chop he makes he'll be beating the crap out of his god. What a moronic piece of religious shit.

In defense of the meme, I have to say some people just aren't getting it.

No one's actually complimenting the guy. They're making fun of just how ridiculous he is in his movies and that TV show by making him even MORE over the top.

Ever seen Texas Ranger? He'd regularly cowboy/martial arts attack every single person who mildly disagreed with him, for example punching a woman who was yelling at him, and it was all done for laughs.

The meme is making fun of that by making him the most over the top ridiculous "ass kicker" in the universe. No one actually likes the guy, they just love the meme.

Well, yes. And I have no illusions that this variant of the meme isn't partly an attempt to make fun of me, which is why I say I'd have to be a bit more cartoony for it to work well.

There once was a Ranger, Chuck Norris.
Crossed paths with famed PZ of Morris.
And it then came to pass,
PZ whooped on Tex'as.
Now there's one fewer wingnut to bore us.

not bad, mothra!

Came here for the science, stayed for the poetry.

Chuck Norris will floor us with a chorus of creationist crap; while etiolated PZ shows how cheesy it is in a snap!

Oops, posted in the wrong place.

Both Chuck and PZ were swallowed by a whale. Chuck fought valiantly to get out of the whale's belly for three hours then prayed for another three, all to no avail. Finally, PZ put aside the papers he was grading, stood up and tickled the whale's gag reflex. He then turned to his exausted rival and asked, "Elevator up, Chuck?"

"No one actually likes the guy, they just love the meme."

It's just what happens to all such memes when they start to filter out to mass consciousness. All the irony-impaired of the world start latching onto them and leeching out all of what actually made them funny to begin with. The Chuck Norris meme was funny. Cop-opting it onto Jack Bauer was funny. PZ Myers? Not funny. Smacks of actual hero worship.

Sort of like how "Talk Like A Pirate Day" started out as inspired silliness from a smallish group of people who actually had some command of the vocabulary and is now just an excuse for idiots to walk around shouting "ARRRRGH" all day.

Chuck got trophies for his ninja training, PZ got a ninja-trained trophy.

Okay, my try:
When PZ stabs a cracker, the whole Chruch howls in pain.

The semen of Chuck Norris dissolves condoms. Of course, not everyone will swallow that.

http://www.cracked.com/video_16655_chuck-norris-roundhouse-kicks-politi…

Chuck thinks minimum wage employees are paying their fair share of taxes. But mostly hates having his drive-thru order messed up.

are not paying their fair share

d'oh!

It's just what happens to all such memes when they start to filter out to mass consciousness. All the irony-impaired of the world start latching onto them and leeching out all of what actually made them funny to begin with.

In other words, losing the clever bit.

For instance, Levi's (I think) had a print ad with the tag line "Real. Comfortable. Jeans." The clever bit was that each word could stand on its own and still apply, but also made sense when combined. Now, putting a period between every word in the sentence is just used for emphasis. It. Stopped. Being. Clever. A. Long. Time. Ago.

My friends get on me for not liking a meme just because it's popular. It's correlation, not causation. 99% of the time, when the meme is popular, it's lost the clever bit.

Not to be a party-pooper, but "Chuck Norris facts" is funny because Chuck is such a ridiculous character to begin with. It's like when Conan O'Brien uses the "Chuck Norris Lever" and all of a sudden a ridiculously funny video of Walker Texas Ranger (that wasn't meant to be funny of course) plays, and he always used to have that lever at hand. And then one day Chuck appears and roundhouse-kicks Conan's ass onto a pile of empty carton boxes. It's funny, but it's that kind of humor.

It worked with Jack Bauer too (and that one's entirely fictional). Do you wanna be in such company?

Okay, it's true that most of the submissions are pretty weak, but Happy Kiwi had one I liked:

Chuck Norris's mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers' mission is to free the saved world.

Posted by: HappyKiwi | September 22, 2008 11:36 AM

PZ is a rational mammalian biped, and Chuck Norris is... well two out of three is nearly adequate.

HappyKiwi here,

No offense, but you scientists are such...scientists. How is "rational mammalian biped" and even more egregious nerdism going to convince the Chuck Norris fan belt that PZ is a worthy challenger? I'm not saying my contribution is brilliant, but I'd expect it to have some general appeal. Tell you what...you scientists keep explaining us to ourselves and saving the world, and we English academics (who may not be good for much else) will try and make the message marketable. Here's a limerick:

"Eulogy for Chuck Norris"

Now let us all pray for Chuck Norris (creationist),
Who crusaded for God 'gainst the humanist atheist.
Braving hell's hottest fires,
He attacked the beast Myers,
But PZ was the best confrontationist.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero, but PZ evolves zero in a test tube every morning. (weak?)

Chuck Norris is a fundamentalist Christian and B-list actor propped up by kitschy sayings which he attempts to parlay into popular support for idiotic ideas. P.Z. Myers is a reasonable man who attacks idiotic ideas. --- What more needs to be said?

Chuck is the typical Christian:

1) Wild, fun loving, boozing, drug using, womanizer, successful, young actor.
2) Goes insane with guilt later in life and finds baby jesus probably through wife #?
3) Now he is the bad-ass saver of the world for god.

They all make me sick.

Chuck Norris plays poker with Lucifer every weekend. Lucifer never invites PZ to play, because he doesn't want to look like an underachiever.

When Jerry Falwell died and wound up in hell, Beelzebub was sent to greet him at the gate. After their mutual catch-up and comparison of past misdeeds (with many a mutual, deep belly-laugh), Beelzebub gave Falwell a tour of hell. The pits of torture, the lake of fire, brimstone, sulphur - lock, stock, the f*cking lot.

Eventually, Jerry turned to Beelzebub, his face complexed. "It's all very impressive, B," he said. "But I have to wonder - what's up with that guy in the corner?"

Jerry pointed. There was a large man sitting at a desk in the corner. He had red skin and pointy horns, and was wearing glasses. At some point in the past, he had attempted to grow a scraggly beard. There was a few dead sebrafish in flasks around the desk, and he was frantically typing at a computer screen, looking very frustrated with himself.

"Oh, that..." Beelzebub muttered. "That's the Devil. It's very sad.

"He thinks he's PZ Myers."

------------------------

Note: I'm not exactly serious, here. I'm an ahtheist, and I think PZ's great. I'm satirizing how all all the wackos keep ranting on about how vile and evil PZ is. Just thought I'd clear the Poe's Law thing out of the way.

*complexed should be perplexed. I think 'confused' and 'perplexed' mixed up somewhere between my brain and my fingers while I was typing. Bloody typos.

Chuck Norris was a bad actor in movies made for crackers.
PZed is a bad ass to crackers made for bad actors.

//"Oh, that..." Beelzebub muttered. "That's the Devil. It's very sad.

"He thinks he's PZ Myers."//

Now that one had me laugh !! Well done.

"Now, putting a period between every word in the sentence is just used for emphasis."

What bothers me about it is how people just reflexively put the period after every word, not bothering to think about what it would sound like if they were saying it. And the whole point of writing something like that is imitating spoken speech. You don't really pause after every word. That. Really. Bothers me.

"Greg Laden is trying to start a PZ Myers vs. Chuck Norris joke meme, and I'm sorry, all the entries so far are feeble and pathetic."

Indeed, there is a remedy for such a problem, perhaps the entries should go see "American Carol" which might help with some of the imagination for future entries...lol

Chuck Norris's mission is to save the free world. But PZ Myers' mission is to free the saved world.

i read through some, and the was the only one that made me at least smile

OK, I think we've got enough to publish volume one...