The Christians are right

Heh. I'll have to try that one when I get home from work.

...

Umm, yeah, I'm at work now, what do you mean? Shhh!

Apparently I'm not very moral either. I'm such a heathen.

I have the same score, although I was tempted to stone the medium atthe fair..

Guess I'm off to hell with all the other compationate people

Wow, something fun that our filters here didn't block... I'm sure it'll never work again, but it was fun. 0% eh? I think we should take that as a compliment.

I have the same score, although I was tempted to stone the medium atthe fair..

Same score, but I was tempted by '...I paid good money for that slave.'

(Well, y'know. Scottish ancestry, see.)

w00t! 0%, I'm a total heathen too...

The Bible's morality does seem to be quite easy to follow -- if you don't like what someone else is doing, stone them.

There seemed to be a common theme among most of the "c" answers.
REDRUM

Something to look forward to after work today.

I got a zero. I've never felt so proud of failing something in my life.

0%, thank goodness!;)

I got 0% also.

I got 8% - but only from the last two questions. For (12) I had to assume there is a "Lord", and going by the Bible, I thought sacrificing animals was the best bet. For (13) I thought Mr. Bobbitt had probably suffered enough, and I'd do him a favour by sparing him the tedium of church.

Wow, apparently we were all tempted by the "stoning the medium" choice.

8% for me - the last question about John Bobbit I got "right." The question presumes that I am a member of a church, which implies a situation that I but into that. "God welcomes all" and "No his penis was cut off" neither seemed acceptable, so I picked "I don't know." Apparently that's the Biblical answer.

8%, but only because I elected to stone the fortuneteller.

I got a perfect 100%, I´m not a xian though.. hmm

Hahaha. I screwed up on the last answer. I put c. I don't know. Didn't seem biblical at all.

I only got 92% - I assumed that there would be some biblical injunction against someone who was not 'all man' like Bobbit .

They almost got me with the penis thing. I had such an inner struggle to select something funny.

Professor, it seems you stuck already. You need fresh air. Use your time to help poor people with your science that's better rather playing with your computer. Millions of such thing on internet. Don't waste your time prof, you are 52 years old. 20-30 years older than your students.

do not downgrade your intellectuality. good night, professor.

C must somehow be a magic letter or something.

I got 15%, way higher than a lot of you here...suck it you immoral atheist asshats!

What amused me was that when I did the quiz, Google were putting ads up for a free bible - maybe Google needs a sarcasm filter when choosing which ads to place!

I had trouble on #6: I can't decide whether slavery or rape is worse. Lobster's good, though I could take or leave the shrimp cocktail.

Professor, it seems you stuck already.

Stuck? In a ditch? In quicksand?

You need fresh air.

You apparently haven't read his bio, he lives in Minnesota, in February? Breathing fresh air invites frostbite of the lungs.

The rest of that babble was rather said. I'd hope it was a Poe, but I suspect not.

Professor, it seems you stuck already. You need fresh air. Use your time to help poor people with your science that's better rather playing with your computer. Millions of such thing on internet. Don't waste your time prof - simon

So, simon, what is it exactly you think you are achieving here - apart from giving us a good laugh at your stupidity, that is?

Whoohoo! 100% unadulterated heathen!

It's nice to say that, occasionally, I can keep up with the PZs. ;-)

Too much old testament stuff - the Xtians will claim that the new testament gets rid of all that stuff.

They should get some nice new, Christ-happy stuff, maybe like this:

15. You pass a fig tree while taking a walk with your chums. Being fond of figs, you decide to help yourself to one, but since figs are out of season there are none to be had. Obviously, you:

a) Go to the fruit store, to see if maybe they have some nice fresh figs.

b) Decide to try some other fruit, maybe something local that IS in season.

c) Curse the fig tree to wither away. Now who's laughing, tree? Should bring me fruit when I want it.

Ok, I think it is wrong to kill kids for making fun of you (Elisha) or to murder people to pay your gambling debts (Samson), so I am sure that I'll do poorly on that quiz. :)

I hate that whole "What is your gender?' question. The only options they ever give are male/female. I'm neither of those, wtf am I supposed to put down?

simple simon is no poe...

a poe can't do the grammer/incoherency that well

8%. I got the Bobbitt's question correct.

So, was Lot the first stand-up comedian?

"Take my daughters... Please!"

I got zero as well :) Although I spent some time thinking about question 6 in the end I went for slavery.

Actually the 'correct' answers were fairly obvious as they had probably been cherry picked so that any reasonable 21st century person would get close to zero.

0% woohoo!

What's #21 talking about?

Okay, that was fun...

But help me out guys - isn't making fun of the bible a little too easy?

Taking the quiz I felt like I was kicking someone who was already down on the ground (intelectually).

To me it seems obvious, that a collection of stories that was put togeather over a period of centuries in a process that ended about 2000 years ago, will contain a lot of crap that by our standards can only be considered absurd...

I understand the danger of having people today decide what to do based on these 'guidelines', but still I feel sorry for those who do, and I am not sure if ridicule helps?

Maybe therapy?

WooHoo! I am 100% Christian. Oh, Wait...I thought the quiz was supposed to measure my bible memory. Dog gone it. I failed by winning. Sucks to be me.

Steve

What's #21 babbling about

There, fixed

Lol... haven't chuckled this hard in awhile... good stuff. Getting over a cold and I think this pushed me over the top. Thanks PZ :)

Like others, I had to think about the slavery vs. rape question for a minute. I ended up picking slavery because it so often entails the rape of slaves.

@steve #35

What's #21 talking about?

My guess would be disapproval that PZ had a moment of fun. Perhaps simon didn't bother to read the wierd-eyed fish post. What's your bet that simon got at least 60% on the quiz?

foxfire (proudly waiving her 0)

Damn, I thought it said immortal. :(

PZ, your morals must be contagious because I scored a zero also. Now I'm damned to hell. Again. I wonder how many times I can be damned. I'm hoping for a record.

Whew, thank monkey, I got 0%. I confess to a slight sense of worry about what my score would be... until I saw the questions. Then I started laughing. And then I had an existential crisis over my deep, dark love of shrimp cocktail.

Damn, I only got 77% and I tried so hard. Nice advice, though:

Good, but you missed a few. God is on your side, but you need to do your part. Pray more, think less.

Answer b to question 7 is incorrect. Technically speaking Saturday is the day of rest. Still, she worked weekends, so the correct answer is still c.

I got a 0% though!

@Valis/31: just don't put in anything, those questions are just for statistical purposes and can safely be left unanswered. (That being said, I agree - it's pretty annoying that they're still stuck with the notion of binary gender.)

Other than that - 0%. (And I found the "which is worse" question quite easy; obviously, slavery is worse than rape.)

Yay! I'm a certified Heathen!

I am a little upset about being denied access to the goat sacrifice - a nice goat curry is just the thing after a day of heathen debauchery. I guess I'll have to stick with babies!

I got 77% and I wasn't even trying. Ahhhhhh. I never went to Sunday school. Only Catholic Catechism which didn't go over the Bible.

It's like shooting shellfish in a barrel.

@Epinephrine (#29):

When I was little I used to attend Catholic school. I vividly remember a story that my first grade teacher told the class: it was about an old man who planted figs trees. Even though he would probably die long before the trees gave fruit, he was thankful that his ancestors before him planted fig trees for his benefit and was happy to return the favor for future generations. The moral of the story was something along the lines of doing things for the benefit of others and to be aware of the impact that you may have long after you die. Nice story, right?

Flash forward to about a year later...

My parents bought me a leather-bound bible aimed for kids. It was a comic book/bible fusion in the most bizarre way possible. Imagine how disturbed I was to see Jesus condemn the tree to death. In my eyes the fig tree that was cursed was the same fig tree that the old man planted. I just kept thinking to myself, "Are you serious?! That old guy goes through all the trouble of planting that tree and juuuuust before it fruits you go an kill it."

I answered the questions like a doG fearin' k-k-kristian and got 92 percent.

Beat that you doGless heathens.

Awesome quiz. I tried to go for 100% but I'm stuck. So, what's the correct biblical answer for the slavery stuff?

I got a 15%

For the one about slavery and how long the hebrew would remain a slave: It asked IF I bought a slave how long he would serve. Since I already bought him, I feel like I can at least get my money's worth so I chose 6 years.

The question did not ask 'would you buy a slave' but 'if you bought one' . . .

Mike K.:
Your concern has been duly noted. Since logic, reasoning and empirical evidence are lost on these people, what makes you think therapy will work for them, considering that most therapists are theists also?

Yeah, PZ should know that the way to curry favor with the sky fairy is to use mumbo jumbo.

seems to be a good illustration of how "morality" does not come from religion/god but is determined by people.
it is not eternal but changes with the time and the practices of the people.

yes give me that old time religion so I wont have to face the questions of today and instead face the deeds of the past where the outcome is already known.
very funny
OT = http://www.wimp.com/intelligentdesign/

0% is too easy. 100% is a little harder, I got tripped up on how long women are slaves and the Bobbit thing.

I like it how this quiz acknowledges that even women can have wives. It's more progressive than most countries in the world! ;)

I agree with the others that pointed out the lack of New Testament nutjobbery. The epistles, for example, have some real "gems" about slavery and the position of women in them.

@Bobby:

Ah, I see. Now I got 100%! But the slavery questions were tricky: six years if you buy a Hebrew servant but "as long as her new master feeds and clothes her" if you sell your daughter.

"I got tripped up on how long women are slaves"

Well, we are talking about xtians, therefore, women are slaves forevah! but, they're not slaves, they're just naturally submissive and totally want to be penned up in the house all day watching small children.

The bible says so!

*hehe*

To those of you who are having trouble getting 100%: It's always the third answer.

You see! Even the evil atheist PZ Meyers admits, "The Christians are right!"

--Some quotemining IDiot

i got 100%, because i know the Bible far too well

and before some apologist shows up spouting that "Jesus did away with the OT" bunkum, i'll point out that JC Himself said quite the opposite:

Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

--Jesus (Matt. 5:17-19)

Well, I am a Slave To The Rhythm.

"Your morality is 0% in line with that of the bible."

Phew! If I had gotten as much as 1%, I would be worried shitless. Now I'm at peace again.

As I see a few others did, I got 77%. I suppose I could have hit 100% by always picking choice 3 but I tried to be a bit honest about it. It's too bad the choices weren't randomly mixed. That might actually have made it harder to come up with exactly 0% or 100%.
I know that these things were never pointed out with quite such clarity back in my church-going days.

0% - but I didn't answer the Bobbitt question honestly. There was no place for my answer - I would reject JWB because he is a scumbag:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_and_Lorena_Bobbitt#John_Wayne_Bobbitt

8% biblical moral. I got the last question 'right' since there was no "Why the hell am I in charge of a church?" option.

I'm ashamed. I only managed 8%, and me an ex-Sunday School teacher.

My Score:

Your morality is 100% in line with that of the bible.

You are a good and moral Christian. Jerry Falwell would be proud! Now go sacrifice an ox for the sweet savour of the lord!

-

I made 100%

Not because of my morality.

It's just that I've read the bible so I know what the Big Fairy wants!

And I'm good at taking tests.

Can anyone do better than 75% on how well do you know the bible?

"But the slavery questions were tricky: six years if you buy a Hebrew servant but "as long as her new master feeds and clothes her" if you sell your daughter."
Posted by: Lotharloo

The "Hebrew servant" has a penis and is therefore of interest/value to the Big Fairy, unlike females who are of far lesser consequence/value.

Can anyone do better than 75% on how well do you know the bible?

at least three posters before you have hit 100%

The Bobbit controversy is simply that there was no way to sew a penis back on once it had been cut off during biblical times. An oversight on god's part, since we now can reattach severed penises. But this leaves a hole in god's instructions to his churches about who can be allowed in.

Now, if a Mormon Patriarch had a direct revelation from god regarding reattached penises & church membership, that might be considered evidence that god is Mormon. Both for taking care of his lack of foresight about the possibility of reattaching penises, and for providing a mechanism to correct His lack of foresight; namely direct revelation to Mormon Patriarchs.

I'm only 8% in line with bible morality, but I'm still 92% damn heathen. That's still an A. It must have been the John Wayne Bobbitt question that did me in, or the brief childhood indoctrination with catholicism. I have to work on eliminating that 8%.

Yea - got a 0% too. A couple of them were tricky though ...

"I got tripped up on how long women are slaves"
Well, we are talking about xtians, therefore, women are slaves forevah!

The problem with the quiz though, as others have pointed out,is that it is all Old Testament and not "really" Xian at all. And the reason to kill your weekend working wife is not that she worked on Sunday, but because she worked on Saturday, the Sabbath. Xians celebrate Sunday because it is the day of the resurrection, not because it is the Sabbath. And the 6 years for male hebrew servitude I only got because I assumed it would be similar to only being allowed to work a field for 6 years and having to leave it fallow on the seventh. (which somehow became a big issue a couple years ago in Israel).

Link now posted to a large forum which has a fair population of Bible-belt nut-jobs. Standing by for the sound of exploding brains.

Another 0% here . . .

grrr. only got 85%. I don't know my slave rules well enough. Oh, and I figured that as the wholly babble says nothing about having your stones repaired, it's obviously impossible, and therefore bobbit shouldn't be allowed to join the church.

I had to think about the rape vs slavery question. In the end, I chose slavery because it usually lasts longer than rape.

100% Too easy! And the answer is always C.

Please do not be concerned, I was testing my bible knowledge, not my actual morals.

Very amusing. To question #9, I did finally answer "Explain to your children about the technique of “cold reading”..." but only after carefully considering "Stone the medium to death on the spot."

Special bonus question:

Your 19-year-old son comes to church with you on Sunday, but refuses to take off his hat. Do you:
(a) let it go -- the important thing is that he's there and hearing God's word;
(b) explain to him the rules of etiquette and ask him to remove the hat out of respect;
(c) stab him.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/nationworld/sns-ap-odd-hat-stabbing,0,…

Damned, only 85% Who knew you could only keep a Hebrew slave 6 years after purchase. Seems like a rip off. I never would have guessed that walking back from the edge of penislessness could earn you another shot at salvation.

Looks like I've got some studying to do.

Yay! I'm also a heathen according to that book! Can't remember the last time I enjoyed flunking a test XD

All C's for 100%

It was easy though; I'd just been studying up on the rules for slavery and rape on that SCROTM site from a coupla threads back.

O% Pheww I thought that I might have caught something awhile back. Fortunately for tests like this we can gauge our own religiosity.

8%.

'Cause a lobster dinner with a shrimp cocktail appetizer is worse than raping and slave driving.

I got 8%, because of the final question. Y'know, if the guy went to the effort of reattaching it, just to get into your lub, you might as well let him in.

I got a zero too... What was with the Bobbit question? Did I miss that passage in Leviticus? Thou Shalt Not Liveth Without the Full Measure of Thy Wang....?

0%

Raised Christian, now effectively an apostate, accept God, reject the Bible or any part of it as the Word of God. Answered a couple of questions 'b', the rest 'a' But I've spaced which ones I answered 'b' because I do that sort of thing.

0% heathen yippee!

The slavery vs. rape question is probably immaterial, since I answered B on that one and still rated as a heathen.

That was fun, though they did make it too easy for novices by making the last answer the "right" one for all the questions. Also, it would have been helpful to have citations for those answers, as a lot of people would not believe that stuff is in the Bible. I still plan on passing this around.

Also, whatever you do, DO NOT watch "John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut". Just don't do it. You're welcome.

Amusing but incorrect at points. For example, one question is "Your son has a nasty skin disease forming. You fear it is spreading. Should you:" and they have the correct answer as "Take him to a priest and have the priest slaughter a bird and sprinkle its blood on him." but in fact that's the mandated behavior after he has recovered from the illness, not what you do before (before hand amounts to quarantine).

Many of the situations where they say one should kill someone aren't correct because one needs a court to do so.

There are other issues as well.

Overall, I rate this as a B-. It is an old joke, we all know that the morality as laid out in the Bible isn't so hot. If someone is going to do this they might as well try to be accurate about what the text says.

"I had trouble on #6: I can't decide whether slavery or rape is worse."

I couldn't decide on this one at first, either, but then I realised that since slavery frequently includes rape, that would make slavery worse.

At the risk of repeating what someone else might have noticed, I think this quiz would have been more effective if it explained WHY the "correct" answers were biblically correct.

I, too, had the honor of failing this quiz and getting a zero score. The funny thing is that I intentionally made selections that I felt were consistent with the values and teachings of Jesus. Odd, how there would be such a discrepancy between Yahweh and Jesus on this one.... eh?

In Jesus' defense he never actually claimed to be God or a son of God. Perhaps that's why there is a disconnect....

The Bobbitt question explained:

Deuteronomy 23:1 - He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

I got 0% on the morality quiz (I'm a good little heathen, too, yay!) and then I did the one on the same page about how well I knew the Bible and got 88% (it says I'm a Biblical scholar).

Go figure. . . I'm a 0% heathen, too.

Oh the heathen that I am, 0% for me as well, whatever shall I do?

I scored 100%, because I had a sound Biblical upbringing and Know The Rules According to Deuteronomy. These rules may (or may not, depending on your interpretation of "jot" and "tittle") have been radically altered by Jesus' fabulous New Covenant, which may (or may not) allow males to retain their foreskins.

Remember always, Jehovah sanctions slavery, strongly disapproves of rape, but rules that eating shellfish is an ABOMINATION!

0% for me too...oh yes. Very proud.