mementomori | March 6, 2007[Editor's note: Dr. Stemwedel has started this particular meme on ScienceBlogs. In the spirit of merriment if not utter buffoonery the narrator of this site feels compelled to join in - the twerp.]
Confiteor, Pater Optime!
1. I can identify automobile makes and models from circa 1965 on instantly, for example, "There goes a 1973 Caprice Classic." This talent has gotten me nowhere.
2. I have a large collection of vintage horror and science fiction films, although I draw the line at The Brain That Wouldn't Die.
3. Certain food items that seem harmless are repulsive to me: cherries,…
mementomori | March 5, 2007Since 1984 the U. S. Preventative Services Task Force, a panel of 16 academic medical experts, has issued advice regarding preventative treatments. It regards itself as (if I may quote from their own humble self-description) "the leading independent panel of private-sector experts in prevention and primary care. The USPSTF conducts rigorous, impartial assessments of the scientific evidence for the effectiveness of a broad range of clinical preventive services, including screening, counseling, and preventive medications. Its recommendations are considered the 'gold standard' for clinical…
mementomori | March 4, 2007Tonight we bring you one of the narrator's favorite poems, of course for your amusement but also (for those who have never read it), as a test of your deductive skills. The poem you see is an allegory, and your job is to decipher what this "Haunted Palace" really represents. The poem is a part of Poe's famous short story "The Fall of the House of Usher," and rather than spoil the ending I shall hush up and let the following speak for itself. Curtain, please:
The Haunted Palace
By E. A. Poe, ESQ
In the greenest of our valleys
By good angels tenanted,
Once a fair and stately palace --
Snow-…
mementomori | March 2, 2007Cassio. ...O strange! Every inordinate cup is unblessed and the ingredient is a devil.
Iago. Come, come; good wine is a good familiar creature if it be well used; exclaim no more against it.
-Othello, Act II, Scene iii
It's a tough job but somebody's got to do it, if for no other reason than to set an example for the vacillating chicken-hearted men of the world. I have already taken the pledge. Have you?
"Wine is key to longer life, says new study"
At the American Heart Association Conference on Cardiovascular Disease, Epidemiology and Prevention this week a study was presented…
mementomori | February 28, 2007Flash! World-Wide Death-Prevention Treatment Found to be Bogus!
Adding to a growing scientific consensus, a large study released Tuesday concluded that vitamin E and other antioxidant supplements provide no health benefits and may even produce a small increase in the risk of death.
"A small increase in the risk of death" - what, greater than 100%? Could it be that some Earthlings actually thought they could gain immortality by ingesting the proper combination of esoteric elixirs from the depths of Gaia?
Supplements "have great biological plausibility, and we all wish that they would work,"…
mementomori | February 26, 2007"Honey, what's for dinner?"
"You know, I just ran out of time today and didn't get a chance to cook anything. I could make you a salad, or there might be some of that leftover soup from Sunday..."
"Nah...let's go out for a quick bite. How 'bout I meet you at [name deleted on advice from T. C. O. Enterprises' astute legal department]."
"No, not there..let's go to [vide supra]. I want to try their new Ultra-Cheesy Bacon and Sour Cream Stuffed Pizza Burrito."
"That sounds delicious, but what about your New Year's resolution?"
"I've been good all week, plus I've worked late every night. Don't…
mementomori | February 23, 2007As anyone who has ever received chemotherapy knows, oncologists are required to explain the possible risks and side-effects of all recommended medications before giving them. This is called informed consent and is a crucial part of the process of destroying cancer cells, both seen and unseen. As our training manual clearly states:
"It is unethical to introduce a drug and/or biological agent into the body of a person without warning that same person of the potential adverse consequences on his or her personage that introduction of the drug and/or biological agent could introduce."
Who writes…
mementomori | February 20, 2007Message to all those who are thinking of smoking their first cigarette today:
Message to all those who know someone who has recently taking up cigarette smoking:
Message to all those who have quit smoking but are having difficulty fighting the craving for nicotine:
People who smoke cigarettes for a long period of time permanently alter their brain cells in such a way that mimics the damage done from other addictive drugs such as cocaine and heroin.
Researchers from the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) examined eight samples of human brain tissue from each of three groups: long-term…
mementomori | February 19, 2007My eyes long for your promise;
I ask, "When will you comfort me?"
-Psalm 119:82
Sometimes I hear patients recite the following: "I don't care what kind of bedside manner my doctor has as long as he knows what to do for me," a rather barefaced rejection of the concept of the kindly physician. Sounds like the beginning of a beautiful relationship, doesn't it? The patient gets his problem fixed and the doctor is under no pressure to dally with a lot of unnecessary hand-holding. If all patients adopted this attitude I suspect many of us would get home a lot earlier.
Is it possible that…
mementomori | February 16, 2007Things you don't want to hear during a physical examination:
(Key: P = patient; D = doctor)
"Here, let me take it out and show you." (P)
"Wait a sec while I get a tissue." (D)
"We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?" (P)
"Just out of curiosity, do you shave your forehead?" (D)
"My last doc always wore gloves when he touched that." (P)
"Why does it say 'Swinging Boom Below' on your abdomen?" (D)
"My wife wants to know - can you give me something for this?" (P)
"No, actually it's ____________ (insert one of the following: 'Friday,' 'February,' '2007,' 'the planet Earth,' 'a…
mementomori | February 15, 2007Watercress Diet 'Can Cut The Risk Of Cancer'
Watercress (Nasturtium officinale) is a semi-aquatic perennial herb grown for thousands of years not only as a foodstuff but also for its medicinal properties. In Victorian times it was used by the working class as a bread substitute (hey, wait a minute - I work, so I must be a member, compared with all the foyl olreitniks). Perhaps the gentle reader recalls the effervescent watercress sandwich Mother used to make for breakfast, hmm?
Well, guess what - as the title above states, new research suggests that the ancients were right to cram the leafy…
mementomori | February 13, 2007After years of hoping and praying, my fondest wish has finally come true. I can hardly contain myself:
New research on napping provides the perfect excuse for office slackers, finding that a little midday snooze seems to reduce risks for fatal heart problems, especially among men.
This is like telling circus clowns to ride teensy unicycles, or Donald Trump to try out a combover, or delusional teenagers to try out for American Idol, or kettles to remind the pot what color it happens to be, or Lenin to open a couple of summer camps for dissidents, or peanut butter to run smack dab into a…
mementomori | February 12, 2007Have five minutes to spare? Then read on:
If you are interested in the reform of health care funding I recommend this article by the economist Arnold Kling. I don't agree with all of his ideas, such as citizens petitioning a "compensation fund" (run by government workers, I assume - yikes!) for reimbursement of medical expenses related to what Kling calls "tragic medical conditions." As Kling writes:
In determining the size of the lump-sum payment, the compensation fund would take into account the typical cost of treating such a person. However, other factors also would come into play.…
mementomori | February 11, 2007This year the world celebrates the 800th anniversary of the birth of Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi, considered by millions around the world to be one of the greatest poets who ever lived, yet until recently little read in America. English translations of Rumi's poems have sold over half a million copies worldwide, but has your narrator ever read even one line of his verse? Oh, let's not nitpick the particulars of his fine education but graciously move on and enjoy the beauty of this singular poet.
Rumi, the 13th century Persian mystic poet, has been called the greatest mystical poet of any age…
mementomori | February 7, 2007[Editor's Note: this is the first of an occasional series. Budding comedians are welcome to add to the list via the comment section.]
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Hospital Rounds:
1. "Anyone seen that specimen I left in the fridge yesterday?"
2. "We didn't have any Haldol on the floor so I gave him a Viagra."
3. "Well, then when was the last time you saw her?"
4. "I forgot that's what happens when you roll him over..."
5. "Hey, why are you all wearing masks?"
6. "You know, your lab coat reminds me to visit that Jackson Pollock exhibit."
7. "I know it's funny, but try to use…
mementomori | February 5, 2007Ever wonder what happens when you live in a parsimonious country that isn't willing to spend any money on new treatments against cancer?
"Cancer patients having to dig deep for new drugs"
TORONTO -- Whether patients survive cancer increasingly depends on where they live and how much of their own money they can afford to spend on the latest drugs, an advocacy group reported Monday. "Essentially, we will continue to ration life-saving cancer treatment, and some Canadians will live and some will die simply because of where they live," said the Cancer Advocacy Coalition of Canada report.
Ever…
mementomori | February 4, 2007ennui: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest
Burnout has many characteristics, including fatigue, exhaustion, inability to concentrate, depression, anxiety, insomnia, irritability, and sometimes increased use of alcohol or drugs. Probably the most distinct characteristic of burnout is a loss of interest in one's work or personal life, a feeling of "just going through the motions." For the most part, burnout in physicians does not differ from that in other professions, but physicians' reactions may be unique in some respects, in part because…
mementomori | February 1, 2007[Editor's Note: After extensive review by our attorneys, upper management at T. C. O. Enterprises, Inc. has determined that the copy provided by the narrator for today's subject is too controversial to print. In accordance with this opinion we have changed the milieu from the medical arts to the tonsorial. Thank you for your patience in this matter. For Español please press two. If this is a medical emergency please hang up and bese su asno adios.]
hypocrisy: a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess
If you…
mementomori | January 29, 2007A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
-George Bernard Shaw
Pessimism never won any battle.
-Dwight D. Eisenhower
nihilism: an extreme form of skepticism; nothingness; nonexistence; an approach to philosophy that holds that human life is meaningless; skepticism as to the value of a drug or method of treatment (cf. therapeutic nihilism)
When it comes to cancer care I suspect you can count on one hand the number of nihilists in this country who are also oncologists. You could probably find a higher number of the proverbial…
mementomori | January 28, 2007"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge."
-Daniel J. Boorstin
myopia: lack of foresight or discernment; obtuseness; narrow-mindedness; intolerance
To be a doctor is to be constantly on guard against a sea of troubles, always keeping an eye out for dark clouds roiling on the horizon. Patients are fairly good at providing clues as to who or what has invaded their sanctum sanctorum. It is then up to doctors to reveal the intruder's identity and come up with a plan to eradicate him. Physicians harboring personality quirks, undiagnosed neuroses or…