Onion News Network
tags: Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse to Kentucky Derby Win, horse racing, horses, whipping, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Fresh from his Blue Grass Stakes win, jockey Liam Hollins moves on to today's Kentucky Derby where he hopes to be the first to mercilessly beat the winning horse across the finish line.
tags: Stouffer's, frozen microwave meals, single-serving meals, suicide prevention tips, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Stouffer's, the company that manufactures frozen microwavable meals, now includes suicide prevention tips on all single-serving dinners whether you enjoy eating your veal parmigiana or beef stroganoff alone.
tags: gorilla, death, mortality, science, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video Tulane University researchers have successfully taught a captive gorilla that he will die one day. The gorilla, named Quigley, is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.
tags: How Will the End of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?, newspapers, print journalism, newspaper hoarding, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video The decline of the newspaper?? Ransom notes, papier-mÃ¢chÃ© and slacker gift wrapping will never be the same! Worse, what will crazy old loons pack their houses to the rafters with?
tags: NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018, scientists, geeks, nerds, pencilheads, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video President Obama recently increased funding to all science organizations, including NASA. According to this news report, it appears that NASA has already budgeted their share of the money to support their plan to approach a girl at the laundromat by 2018. This amusing video is a commentary on male scientists, geeks, nerds and other types of pencilheads. It actually looks to be rather close to the truth.
tags: Green Man, Blue Cat, literature, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video Good news for those of you who wish to purchase a new book for your friends and colleagues for Christmas: the book, Green Man, Blue Cat has finally been published to rave reviews! The intended audience is children, but apparently working adults are the biggest fans. I can hardly wait for my review copy! Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series How many thousands of copies do you think will be sent to George Bush as a Christmas present? I'm taking your…
tags: politics, GOP, Rethuglicans, Presidential Candidate 2012, Ronald Reagan, Zombie Reagan, ONN, Onion News Network, comedy, humor, fucking hilarious, streaming video It's been difficult, but I am so proud of the Rethuglicans for finally finding someone to be their 2012 presidential candidate who accurately reflects their values and mental capabilities so well! Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
tags: Glenn Beck, comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video As the grieving mother says, it's a tragedy to watch Glenn Beck outlive your child. Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
tags: Obama family, miserable Americans, comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video This daring news interview with the nations' top thinkers comes right out and says what we've all mumbled under our breath to ourselves in the privacy of the unemployment line: the Obamas are too damned happy! They're so happy that it's downright unAmerican!
tags: comedy, humor, satire, funny, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video Here's the latest development in the anti-smoking campaign aimed at teens: television ads that claim smokers are gay (and of course, no one wants to be gay, right?)
tags: little boy, burglar, offbeat, humor, funny, satire, streaming video This video is an interview with a little boy who uses his father's gun to shoot a burglar, and then, when the wounded burglar is screaming in pain, he proceeds to shoot off other appendages, too. It's all in a night's work. Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar
tags: bat, congress, offbeat, humor, funny, satire, streaming video In this breaking news video, we see that Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.
tags: Nouveau Poor, discrimination, offbeat, humor, funny, satire, streaming video As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate the claim that the newly poor are incapable of integrating with long established poor... I am not sure if I should laugh or be offended ..
tags: reading graphs, Onion News Network, ONN, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video In this video, we see that experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area.
tags: facebook, twitter, internet, technology, cyber stalking, Onion News Network, ONN, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video There are times when I am grateful for having been shunned by my family since the age of fifteen: Christmas being the most notable among them. But the Onion News Network reminded me of yet another reason to be happy I don't have to deal with them: Facebook and Twitter! In this streaming video, 'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.
tags: racehorses, thoroughbreds, Breeder's Cup races, sports, Onion News Network, ONN, humor, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video Now how did I miss this video? It was created last year in time for the Breeder's Cup races, held in late October, which is sort of the World Series of American horse racing (and is positioning itself to be the same for international horse racing). In this video, we learn that in 2008, the controversial champion racehorse, Ship's Captain, came out as being gay. The controversy swirled, but the horse's trainer says people should focus on the horse's abilities…
tags: Onion News Network, ONN, detainee torture, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video In The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.
tags: Obama, Bipolar Disorder, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, Onion News Network, ONN, streaming video White House officials admit Obama's extreme confidence and total euphoria over "hope" and "change" were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode. He has since recovered and now is depressed -- just like the rest of the country. [2:30] Not to split hairs, but a typical manic episode doesn't last three years.
tags: Onion News Network, ONN, privacy, humor, funny, satire, fucking hilarious, streaming video This streaming news report reveals that web users who wish to completely protect their privacy can choose to move to a desolate mountain village started by Google. While living there, they are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun [2:18]
tags: humor, funny, plastic surgery, ONN, Onion News Network, streaming video In this hilarious video, Rep. Lynn Merriweather says HR7652 will protect the millions of Americans who just want to appear as young as they feel on the inside, that's all [2:01]